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Headache Remedy

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

One night after a hard night of partying with the rest of the gods, Thor, the god of thunder awakened next to a beautiful girl whom he did not recognize.  Guessing that he probably picked her up drunk at the party, he thought the appropriate thing to do would be to introduce himself so he sat up in the bed, hit himself twice in the chest with his fist and said, "I.m Thor."

"You're Thor;" replied the girl, "I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

sick, absolutely deplorable.  lol... j/k.  lololololl....

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John
says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He
grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is
halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look,"
says the 2nd nun..."it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also
pulls his penis...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The
third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing
happens. So she pulls a fourth time. "Oh look, handlotion!"

black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... Are - my - test - results - back?'

i apologize to the blondes:

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some
money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it
under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of
the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath
the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the
$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

***

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry,but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads.

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! ... I PROMISE !)

"W I N A B A G E L"

***

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then
asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room
are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer
monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

a prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

Found this in my inbox on bookofmatches:

"you should be on the cover of MILF magazine...damn your sexy as hell!"

That's a helluva joke if you ask me LOL

 I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in about 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. Can't forget the classic long sleeve shirt with shorts combined with socks and sandals.....
Great look! by the way did ya even look in a mirror?

-----------------------------------------
President Bush, Dick Cheney, and Laura Bush were all riding on Air Force One. Bush sighs, looks out the window and says: "I could make someone very happy right now by throwing $1000 out the window."

Dick Cheney rolls his eyes and says "Yeah, i could make 10 people very happy by throwing ten $100 bills out the window."

Laura looks at both of them and shrugs, "That's nothing. i could make 100 people very happy by throwing 100 ten dollar bills out the window."

After hearing all this, the pilot rolls his eyes, turns to his co-pilot, and says, "such big shots back there. hell, i could throw all 3 of them out the window right now, and make the world happy."

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )


Some lions mate over 50 times
a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(okay, so that would be a good thing)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)

The Hair Dryer


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Of course, what may I do for you?"

Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?"

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official
asked, "Father, do you have an ything to declare?"

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to
date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Quote from: Natas on May 17, 2007, 10:11:55 AM
Headache Remedy

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Sooo funny. Please don't let my husband get his hands on THIS one. :biggrin:

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/deerladie/MirrorMirror.jpg)

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/deerladie/deepshit.jpg)

THAT is great, me! :yes:

:rotfl:

(http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w62/ziazanne/image001.jpg)

 :rotfl: :rotfl: :sm39: :sm39:  I love it...

 ;D

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
---------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.  "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine"
----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
---------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,   

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. 
------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.   

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

  ----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.   

"  What do you think?" I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

A  manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in  and ask them only one
question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the  conference roomtable, the
interviewer asked, "What is the  fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There is no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked
the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A BLINK! It comes and goes and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular
cliche' for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating
his
reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the
light
on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is
the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already filled my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that  exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I switched the heads"

LOL, that one made me gasp when I read the final line.  How rude!!! LOL

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't.- The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."

National Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? "    Mom replies,  " No, because she is in heat."   "What's that mean?" asked the child." Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad thought for a bit, decided against the full explanation and said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said  " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? "

The little girl said, " Don't worry Dad. She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home"

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/deerladie/Joke%20stuff/Bestadever.gif)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "Fuck!," the rottweiler ate him!"

 :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

that joke about the Rott and the cat is soooooo funny.   My daughter has a rott and he doesn't like it when the cats get near his food bowl.  He has actually killed another dog when it got to his food....not sure about a cat though.

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So, I said, "Well, then, which one are you. . .?"

:drummer:

 :biggrin:

Quote from: Mr442 on July 06, 2007, 09:00:14 AM
I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So, I said, "Well, then, which one are you. . .?"

:drummer:

Uhm, do you know Aaron? 

Reminder of who he is:
(http://pix3.bangme.net/userphotos/thumbs/415191.jpg)

He left that same exact joke on my yahoo night before last, and I had to read it 3 times before I got it. LOL!!

Signs

  Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.  "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

 ;D  tee hee, tee hee

    The 11 th Husband


    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

    "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

    "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    " Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

    "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    " Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

    " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

    "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

    "You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
    This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
    SCREWED."

NEW COMPUTER CHIP BY APPLE

>Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a
>computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
>music in women's breast implants.? The iTit will cost
>$499 or $599 depending on speaker size.? This is
>considered to be a major breakthrough because women
>have always complained about men staring at their
>breasts and not listening to them.

Blonde Cowboy

        The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street
        and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk
        with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,
        so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
         
        As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world
        are you dressed like this"?
         
        The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff...
        I was in the bar down the road and this pretty
        little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
        with her. So I did.

        We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
        to pull off my shirt. So I did.

        Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off
        my pants. So I did.

        Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull
         off my shorts. So I did.

        Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
        sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy.
        And so here I am.

        Son of a Gun, blonde men do exist.

Teen age sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,  she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop  the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her  daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box  of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her  about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:  "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars  in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes
Brenda and John took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they  explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were  concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. that  should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a  large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."   

Italian Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On the wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was a very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Don's a good man. Go upstairs and
He'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, uppa the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Don took off his shirt and exposed
His hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Don's
Got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry,  Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."  So, uppa the stairs she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Don took off his jeans exposing his hairy legs. Again,
Maria ran downstairs to her mother.  "Mama, Mama,  Don took off his pants and he's got
Hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Don's a good man. Go upstairs and
He'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again.

When she got there, Don took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Don's got a  foot and a half!"

Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

  Thought for the day 
Handle every situation like a dog ....   

If you can't Eat it or Screw it  ,       

Piss on it and Walk Away.

I don't know if this is a "bad" joke or so true that it's laughable...anyway.....


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President...
.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.. ..

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People....

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class....

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future....

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense...."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said....

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper....

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father
in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed....

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now...."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about...."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit....."

Subject: smart man

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
Most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

In line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart "

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was
"Best
Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way

home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone
interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with

a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
Looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already!

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX:
       
          
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:           
With her consent   12 Calories       
Without her consent   2,187 Calories       
           
OPENING HER BRA:           
With both hands   8 Calories       
With one hand   12 Calories       
With your teeth   485 Calories       
           
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:           
With an erection   6 Calories       
Without an erection   3,315 Calories       
           
POSITIONS:           
Missionary   12 Calories       
69 lying down   78 Calories       
69 standing up   812 Calories       
Wheelbarrow   216 Calories       
Doggy Style   326 Calories       
Italian chandelier   2,912 Calories       
           
ORGASMS:           
Real   112 Calories       
Fake   1,315 Calories       
           
POST ORGASM:           
Lying in bed hugging   18 Calories       
Getting up immediately   36 Calories       
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately   816 Calories        
           
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:           
If you are:           
20-29 years   36 Calories       
30-39 years   80 Calories       
40-49 years   124 Calories       
50-59 years   1,972 Calories       
60-69 years   7,916 Calories       
70 and over   Results are still pending       
           
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:           
Calmly..   32 Calories       
In a hurry   98 Calories       
With her father knocking at the door   5,218 Calories       
With your wife knocking at the door   13,521 Calories       
          
Results may vary!         

Why African women run so fast.   :eek:

Little Ole Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill
flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if
I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!

Worlds tightest pair of jeans......... :eek:

 :biggrin:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" 



Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =  MIDNIGHT!)



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. Sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 :biggrin:

Texas Sex...
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy."What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
"Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds."

 :biggrin:

    The Maid Asks For A Raise...


         
        The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
        Maria, why do you want an increase?'
         
        Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I
        want an increase. The first is that I iron better
        than you.'
         
        Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
         
        Maria: 'The Master said so.'
         
        Madam: 'Oh.'
         
        Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better
        cook than you.'
         
        Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook
        than I?'
         
        Maria: 'The Master did.'
         
        Madam: 'Oh.'
         
        Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
        than you.'
         
        Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as
        well?'
         
        Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'
         
        SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

Farm Girl Birth Control"

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the
other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled
out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him." "OK," he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have
you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled
out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,
"On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy
Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his
You-Know-What in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"

 Grandmas Don't Know Everything


    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
     

    She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.  "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

     

    Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.  It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you

 
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's
yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old
ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party
yesterday!"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a
confession
to make, I'm not a virgin.'



The husband replies,
'That's no big thing in this day and age.'



The wife continues,
'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'



'Oh yeah?  Who was the
guy?'



'Tiger Woods.'



'Tiger Woods, the
golfer?'



'Yeah.'



'Well, he's rich, famous and
handsome.  I can see why you went to bed with
him.'  The husband
and wife then make passionate love.



When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.  'What
are you doing?' asks
the wife.



The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get
something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do
that.'



'Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?'



'He'd
come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the
phone
and goes back to bed to make love a second time.  When they finish,
he
gets up and goes over to the phone.



'Now what are you
doing?' She asks.  The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so
I was going to
get room service to get something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do
that.'



'Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?'



'He'd
come back to bed and do it again.'



The guy slams down the phone,
goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.  When they finish he's
tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to
dial.



The wife asks, 'Are you calling room
service?'



'No!  I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's
PAR for this damn
hole!'

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife said, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand...

...and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember: fairies are female.

  :rotfl: :rotfl: Too funny!!!! LMAO!!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: Boy, he asked for hat one didn't he?  :icon_twisted:

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof.... the light goes on.  When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof.... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof....the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better."

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregn ant wi th my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

LMAO!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

THE Parrot
       
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
Spotted a large, beautiful  parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution
And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
She had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
In her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
The bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit  offended
But then began to laugh about the situation
Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, READ ON.


   A Frickin' Elephant

Jake is 5 and learning to read.  He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says,
"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!  It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ...

" A f r i c a n  Elephant "


Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their
feminine products. She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body
amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers monthly visits
from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise
I will keep. Always....

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

'Scuse me while I clean up the coffee I snorted out my nose.  :rant:

Quote from: Bo D on January 22, 2008, 04:26:54 PM
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

'Scuse me while I clean up the coffee I snorted out my nose.  :rant:

:biggrin:

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug
Co. have combined to market the new Mint
flavored birth control pill that women may
take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large
major drug store chains and Wal Mart
Pharmacies.

They're going to be called :







'Pre-dick-a-mints!'

Irish Birth Control



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband do ing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

7 kinds of sex


> The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex. This kind
> of sex
> happens when you first meet someone and you both
> have sex until you are blue
> in the face.
>
>
>
> The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for a short time and you are so horny
> you will have sex
> anywhere, even in the kitchen.
>
>
> The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
> routine and you usually
> have sex only in your bedroom.
>
>
>
> The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for too long. When you pass each other
> in the hallway you both
> say " f...  you."
>
>
>
> The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which
> means you get Nun in the
> morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night.
> (Very Popular)
>
>
> The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This
> is when you cannot stand
> your wife any more. She takes you to court and
> screws you in front of
> everyone.
> 
>
>
> And last, but not least,
> 
>
>
> The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
> You get a little each
> month. But not enough to live on.

    A lady walks into Tiffany's.   She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.   As she bends over to look
more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'   Very
uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at
the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'   He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'

True Story from Houston Medical Center




A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
Hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
Ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
Jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

Job at FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there  were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman. 

For the final test, the FBI  agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the  circumstances.  Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair .  Kill her!!"  The man said,
"You can't be serious. I could  never shoot my wife."  The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man  for this job.  Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given  the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet  for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried,  but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said,  "You don't have what it  takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She  was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and  went into the room.  Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard  screaming, crashing, banging
on the  walls.  After a few minutes, all was  quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat  from her brow. "This
gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him  to death with
the chair."

MORAL:  Women are crazy. Don't mess  with them.

Thought for the day !!!   Handle every stressful situation like a dog.... If you can't eat it, or hump it, piss on it, and walk away!

 A short love story
I think you'll enjoy this... A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Quote from: me on February 10, 2008, 09:25:40 AM
A short love story
I think you'll enjoy this... A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

MODERN TIMES

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously
very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually,we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn
inchessss llong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

BATHROOM STORY...

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it

quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library,

the grocery store or at a drive~thru window. People often comment on how

clearly he speaks for a just~turned 3~year~old, and you never have to ask

him to turn up the volume; it's always fully cranked. There have been

several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would

have been masked by a not~so~audible voice, but never have I wished this

more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature

called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the

ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard

coming from the second to last stall:



'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the

potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what

are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'



At this point, I started mentally counting how many women had been in the

restroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could

wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall

and reveal my identity.



Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies, aren't you? Oh, dats a good

girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh, Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh,

I see dem! Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You ARE gonna get some candy!'



I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.

Where is a screaming new born when you need one? Good grief. This was

really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before

exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's

purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.



'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at

this point. 'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies

are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!



As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly

flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with

myself: Okay, there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can

be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue

will be long gone.



'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done doing

stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He gr unted as he tried to pull me.



Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside

my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What

were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at da wady's feet?'



More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He

started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I

want to go out!!'



I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the

door, and found, standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded

around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was

complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the

'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and

pri vacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed

bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, 'I'd sign it all

away again, just to be known as 'Mommy' to this little fellow.'

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Old age and treachery trumps youth and enthusiasm!



The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was

marrying a "mail order" bride.



Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom

assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new

bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."



Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the

sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help
him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought
this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.



About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?", asked the banker.



Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."



The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And

how's the hired hand?"



Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Never underestimate and old geezer!!

> Doctors Never Laugh
>
> The Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over
> twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>
> "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
> tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
> than the size of a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
> to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
> regain his composure.
>
> "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
> me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
> again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
>
> "It's swollen," Bob replied.

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like ***** cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! When the cloud of sand began to settle, She gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

     
    Circumcised - (this is priceless!)
     
    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
     
    She went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
     
    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.  He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
     
    He did it and returned to his class.  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.  She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.  'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
     
    'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
     
    'KIDS . DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM???

LOL!!!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb asshole" is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

    Cowboy in Pharmacy
    A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the  store, there were no males employed there.

    She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

    The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

    The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

    The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for
    me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
    problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
    could give me for it.'

    The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

    When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.'

                             PASSWORD:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.
..

P...
E.....
N....
I.....
S.....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED.   NOT LONG ENOUGH...

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

  It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.

  If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Hence the condition I refer to when I call in sick, anal glaucoma.  That's when I can't see my ass going to work that day.

Quote from: Exterminator on April 08, 2008, 05:05:14 PM
Hence the condition I refer to when I call in sick, anal glaucoma.  That's when I can't see my ass going to work that day.

:biggrin:

I like that! :biggrin:

 When  I was born, God gave me two  choices.... 
(1).... I could  either have a memory.... 
                       OR
(2)....  Be    in bed !!!  ......
Shit  !!! ...
Now  I forgot what I waz gunna tell  ya!!!   :biggrin:

AND HOW DID THE FIGHT GET STARTED????

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

And that's how the fight started  :eek:

LMAO! :biggrin:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

You gotta love a good nurse.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch.  Worried that it might be a second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.  Written in
large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week...'

The doctor said,   "Joe,  the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital,  he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street,  he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ...  a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,  "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed,  "That's right,  how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"  the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit;  it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror,  the salesman asked,  "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said,  "Let's see,  34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised,  "That's right,  how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt,  and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said,  "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed,  "Ah ha!  I got you,  I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head,  "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache"

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

LMAO!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Bummer! Poor Joe :biggrin:

Quote from: PIYA on May 15, 2008, 10:11:31 PM
Bummer! Poor Joe :biggrin:

Yeah, he didn't even see it coming LOL!!!  :biggrin:

In  a Chicago hospital, a gentleman made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the  wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,  and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW button and warm water sprayed gently upon his  bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the  PP  button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower.  This was unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies restroom was more than just a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the  ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, with a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.  The nurse responed, "sir, the button labeled ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your  pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex<  This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.  I have enough problems of my own.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 :rolleyes:

:biggrin:

The Blonde & The Indian!


An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!  But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.  She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.  She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.  Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping
just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then
in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

Possibly the best come-back ever!


A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks,
he goes over to the new guy with a smug look on his face and asks him
(in a voice louder than necessary):
'So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies
(also in a voice louder than necessary):
'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new.

 :spooked:

Ouch!

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"   Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."   The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."  Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."  The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.   The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.   His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance
God is good  :biggrin:

WOMEN'S MOTTO:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says..
' Oh shit ... she's awake!!'

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, 'the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said,'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and
said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled
and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and
said, 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on Top.

Center for Disease Control Health Alert



The Center for Disease Control has issue d a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

And Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected.



(Smile, it's contagious)

> > Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
> > cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they
> > could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
> > was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind
> > of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
> > fruits.
> >
> > The first one came back and said to the king, "I
> > brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial
> > to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt
> > without any expression on your face or you'll be
> > eaten."
> > The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
> > out in pain, so he was killed.
> > The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
> > When the king explained the trial to him he thought to
> > himself that this should be easy.
> > 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he
> > burst out in laughter and was killed.
> > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
> > one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with
> > it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help
> > it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

ROFLMMFAO!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: Dexter Morgan on September 19, 2008, 11:09:43 PM
ROFLMMFAO!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Creates a wild picture for the mind don't it?   :biggrin:

Quote from: me on September 19, 2008, 11:19:40 PM
Creates a wild picture for the mind don't it?   :biggrin:

:yes:  :papple: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife
says,"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a  tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you  get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,
shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred
dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch  my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And,lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks

anytime you want!"


Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Quote for the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle

 :biggrin:

http://www.virtualdirtygirl.com/halloween/granny_halloween.swf

Just think -
if the Indians had given the Pilgrim
fathers a donkey instead of a turkey,
We all would be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace,
but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side any way.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup;

she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......

Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher.

Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, came the boys reply.

YOU DID WHAT?! teacher excalimed.

You know, explained the boy. I leaned over and went "psssst" in its ear and it didn't move.  :biggrin:

:biggrin:

Important women's health issue
 
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 
Do you suffer from shyness?
 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
 
or pharmacist about Margaritas.
 
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more
 
confident about yourself and your actions.
 
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you
 
tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
 
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
 
prevent you from living the life you want to live..
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
 
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
 
living, with Margaritas.
 
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.  Women who are
 
pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.  However, women who
 
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include:
 
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
 
Erotic lustfulness
 
Loss of motor control
 
Loss of clothing
 
Loss of money
 
Loss of virginity
 
Attraction to the same sex
 
Table dancing
 
Headache
 
Dehydration
 
Dry mouth
 
And a desire to sing Karaoke
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
 
whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
 
over and over again that you love them.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can
 
sing.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can
 
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 

Why does Miss Piggy douche with kool-aid & lemon juice?
Because Kermit loves to eat sweet & sour pork.

Parallel Lives

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks.

If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away..

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell

more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, 'Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?'

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, 'By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?'

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, 'Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!'

Quote from: Sandy Eggo on December 10, 2008, 10:07:02 AM
Important women's health issue
 
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 
Do you suffer from shyness?
 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
 
or pharmacist about Margaritas.
 
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more
 
confident about yourself and your actions.
 
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you
 
tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
 
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
 
prevent you from living the life you want to live..
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
 
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
 
living, with Margaritas.
 
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.  Women who are
 
pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.  However, women who
 
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include:
 
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
 
Erotic lustfulness
 
Loss of motor control
 
Loss of clothing
 
Loss of money
 
Loss of virginity
 
Attraction to the same sex
 
Table dancing
 
Headache
 
Dehydration
 
Dry mouth
 
And a desire to sing Karaoke
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
 
whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
 
over and over again that you love them.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can
 
sing.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can
 
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

(http://www.marias-santafe.com/marias7.jpg)

http://www.marias-santafe.com/secure.html (http://www.marias-santafe.com/secure.html)

(http://www.marias-santafe.com/marg2.jpg)

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

http://www.youtube.com/v/sO_KILnJdHw&hl=en&fs=1&

Golfing with the Wives

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.



'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?' Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go buy yourself some underwear.'



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed  Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Bloody Hell, Aggie! Where's yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able to affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb, tidy yers elf up a bit.'

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain..




The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.  That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.  The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.  But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.  The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.  John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...  The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.  Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Mexican Words Of The Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Rosita likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women..
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

 :rotfl: :rotfl:

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Quote from: Palehorse on November 06, 2009, 04:23:39 PM
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

cewl.  :smile:

Quote from: Palehorse on November 06, 2009, 04:23:39 PM
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

wired suftf....anit taht fnuny hwo taht wkros?

Quote from: dan foster on November 06, 2009, 06:26:42 PM
cewl.  :smile:

What in the name of John Wayne's ass is that in Bush's hands? A chainsaw? Who in the hell handed him that for cryin out loud!?

Quote from: Palehorse on November 06, 2009, 09:26:40 PM
What in the name of John Wayne's ass is that in Bush's hands? A chainsaw? Who in the hell handed him that for cryin out loud!?

My guess would be Dan or one of his Bush hater friends.

That scallywag bush should never be in possession of a weapon ever again! Look what he did with them while in office!  :biggrin:

Quote from: Palehorse on November 07, 2009, 11:10:13 AM
That scallywag bush should never be in possession of a weapon ever again! Look what he did with them while in office!  :biggrin:

No, that was Cheney.   :razz: 

Quote from: me on November 07, 2009, 02:55:40 PM
No, that was Cheney.   :razz:

Him too! Peas in a pod those two are!

 


The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.. The King immediately summoned Nick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

A TRUE REDNECK!!

Now, I have seen my share of redneck emails.. some stupid... some funny.
But this one.. ok.. I have to admit it..
This Person is One True.. Deep Down to the Core... Certified RED-NECK!!!!


(http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/93/l_e8efe0c79ac3432ba7b4a274786a5c1c.jpg)

Quote from: pariann on December 03, 2009, 02:26:26 AM
A TRUE REDNECK!!

Now, I have seen my share of redneck emails.. some stupid... some funny.
But this one.. ok.. I have to admit it..
This Person is One True.. Deep Down to the Core... Certified RED-NECK!!!!


(http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/93/l_e8efe0c79ac3432ba7b4a274786a5c1c.jpg)

Pretty gall dang funny, though  :biggrin:

A cop was sitting on his horse at an intersection, waiting to cross, when a little girl on a  brand new bike rode up and stopped along side him.

Nice bike, the cops says. Did Santa bring that to you for Christmas?

Yep, he sure did, says the little girl proudly.

The cop looked the bike over and issued her a $5 safety citation, saying, Give that to your dad, and next year tell Santa to put a safety reflector on the back of it.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse. Santa bring that to you for Christmas?

Chuckling, the cops answers, Yes, he sure did little girl!

The little girl says, Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, and not on top!  :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit,
he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could
disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. '
What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. :grinch:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes ..
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year!

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pinto was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire,
But for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt..

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped.
Bryan never thought twice about being paid.

This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me..'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her
Feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the
Money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying......'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story, and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine.

Don't delete it, don't return it. Simply, pass this on to a friend

Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
And screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled,
"If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
Memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.    Then a man from  Alabama stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.  Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.   No one moved.  He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student
in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret..
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a Blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,




"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The Blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated Blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man, shaking his head, answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh?"

I guess we are bound and determined to have a shitty New Years Eve...

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 31, 2009, 01:06:29 PM
I guess we are bound and determined to have a shitty New Years Eve...

And just why would anyone think it would be any different than the rest of the year?

Quote from: Palehorse on December 31, 2009, 01:11:28 PM
And just why would anyone think it would be any different than the rest of the year?

Well if you going to get all serious on me,

because not everyone had a bad year...I am very greatful for the year I had, after having 5 tough ones.....

Well, after pissing and moaning about Obama all year long, you had a good year.

How about that.

:wink:

Quote from: followsthewolf on December 31, 2009, 02:15:09 PM
Well, after pissing and moaning about Obama all year long, you had a good year.

How about that.

that's right despite Obama, I managed to have a good year....and expect even MORE pissing and moaning for 2010, until that assbag and company is out of control and quit shitting away the constituiton....

how's that for pissing and moaning....good nuff fer ya?

This administration is the one that shit away the Constitution?  Are you for real?  Serious WTF?

Interesting.

1. No mention of Constitutional erosion for 8 years of a Cheney presidency.

2. All of a sudden there is concern when there is no republican to protect.

Go for it. Piss against the wind and moan all you want. It's your right.

as I have said before..........time will speak the truth...and it is all unraveling..

Quote from: Exterminator on December 31, 2009, 02:23:13 PM
This administration is the one that shit away the Constitution?  Are you for real?  Serious WTF?

how about a federal mandate requiring all individuals to obtain health insurance .... let me know if this is in our Constitution....

Wow! Thank you Mr. Yates!

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 31, 2009, 02:40:52 PM
how about a federal mandate requiring all individuals to obtain health insurance .... let me know if this is in our Constitution....

And federal income taxes?

And social security?

and.....forget it. Not worth it.

Quote from: followsthewolf on December 31, 2009, 02:52:10 PM
and.....forget it. Not worth it.

Exactly.

Quote from: followsthewolf on December 31, 2009, 02:52:10 PM
And federal income taxes?

And social security?

and.....forget it. Not worth it.

so just add another one to the list and move on, huh?

Wanna wipe 'em all off the books?

Gonna turn down social security, medicare, and medicaid?

When it becomes the law of the land, it's obligatory.

Or don't conservatives believe in obeying the law?

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 31, 2009, 02:40:52 PM
how about a federal mandate requiring all individuals to obtain health insurance .... let me know if this is in our Constitution....

Don't forget to mention the fine and jail time if ya don't obtain it. 

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 31, 2009, 02:40:52 PM
how about a federal mandate requiring all individuals to obtain health insurance .... let me know if this is in our Constitution....

No. Neither is it in our constitution that I have to pay for the indigent. But that's the way it works right now. The rest of y'all need to pay your share of the freight.

Quote from: LOsborne on December 31, 2009, 05:46:03 PM
No. Neither is it in our constitution that I have to pay for the indigent. But that's the way it works right now. The rest of y'all need to pay your share of the freight.

No we (as a government) need to be better stewards of the peoples money....and quit wasting it.......quit the pork crap....building hippy musems and studies of sex of fruitflys.....start using some common sense...

not really asking for too much...

Quote from: Henry Hawk on January 04, 2010, 08:09:02 AM
No we (as a government) need to be better stewards of the peoples money....and quit wasting it.......quit the pork crap....building hippy musems and studies of sex of fruitflys.....start using some common sense...

not really asking for too much...

Dude! What's wrong with hippie museums?

:biggrin:

Quote from: Olias on January 04, 2010, 08:23:30 AM
Dude! What's wrong with hippie museums?

:biggrin:

Sorry Olias...maybe that was a poor example to make my point to you... :biggrin:

Quote from: Henry Hawk on January 04, 2010, 08:52:27 AM
Sorry Olias...maybe that was a poor example to make my point to you... :biggrin:

Yeah ... some old farts might just learn something from a hippie museum. Like ... peace ... love ... understanding...

bad jokes? you guys need to get out of our room with that stuff or i am telling mom.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, the boys are fighting again.


*she said for you to come there.

now
:yes:

sorry...

 

Quote from: Henry Hawk on January 04, 2010, 08:09:02 AM
No we (as a government) need to be better stewards of the peoples money....and quit wasting it.......quit the pork crap....building hippy musems and studies of sex of fruitflys.....start using some common sense...

not really asking for too much...

Yeah, we need to ensure there is enough money to give to big corporations, DoD and Banks.

Quote from: Palehorse on January 04, 2010, 12:51:43 PM

                                                                                                               :snowcld: :cold:
                                                                                          :snowcld: :cold:
                                                                    :snowcld: :cold:
                                             :snowcld: :cold:
                       :snowcld: :cold:
               :snowcld: :cold:
:snowball: :LIS: :thinksnow:
               :snowcld: :cold:
                       :snowcld: :cold:
                                             :snowcld: :cold:
                                                                   :snowcld: :cold:
                                                                                         :snowcld: :cold:
                                                                                                               :snowcld: :cold:

:no:   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  More snow.

Two Woodpeckers...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Blood transfusions
American Medical Association researchers have found that

Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.





It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know...

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.........


He approached a uniformed security guard and said  "I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom
layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence,Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

Your tale reminds me of Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Didn't Hoenikker learn how to make Ice-nine by studying the different ways to stack cannonballs? San Lorenzo always seemed like Haiti to me. Maybe that's why it came to mind.

TOOL GUIDE

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to ay,
'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitchTOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Perfect.

Did you have a camera in my shop?
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Quote from: followsthewolf on January 19, 2010, 05:33:41 PM
Perfect.

Did you have a camera in my shop?
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

I literally had tears with laughter.  Thanks PH.

 :biggrin:

Glad you guys liked that one. It had me giggling out loud as well!   :biggrin:

The sad part is the damned thing is true!  :spooked: :biggrin:

10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

Sincerely,


Tiger Woods,

   UNIVERSAL LAWS




1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

MY TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO in Castelton  buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the checkout line when woman

behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to

mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with

my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog

food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish

Setter's behind and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore... Better watch

what you ask retired people . They have all the time in the world to

think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.... it will be their laugh
 
for the day.

A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know,  I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a  chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will  supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be  provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job  assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's  and has a rather strong sex drive.  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and  the salary is $200,000 a year."   

                 The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" 

                 The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it.." 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked..
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'








The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Three
> > cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the
> > lonesome
> > sagebrush
> > prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous;
> >
> > it was a night
> > of bravado, a night of tall tales..
> >
> > Tom, the
> > hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the
> > strongest, meanest,
> > toughest
> >  cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got
> > loose in the corral. It
> > had gored six men before I wrestled it to the
> > ground by the horns with my
> > bare hands and castrated that sucker with
> > my teeth.'
> >
> > Ben, from Colorado , couldn't stand to be bested..
> > That's nothing, 'I was
> > walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot
> > diamondback rattler slid out
> > from under a rock and made a move for
> > me. I grabbed that bastard with my
> > bare hands, bit off its head, and
> > sucked the poison down in one gulp and
> > didn't even get a gut
> > ache.'
> >
> >
> > Old
> > Dingus
> > Jimbo, the cowboy from West
> > Texas , remained silent,
> > slowly stirring
> > the
> > campfire coals with his pecker.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes totally quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs about 225 lbs. and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lbs. and he's a wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week, plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher!

Bottle of Merlot
>
> A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
> So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
>
> She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
>
> The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
> The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
>
>
> After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
>
> It read:
> 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
>  Just send the wine back....
> Tiger
>

FEMALE  COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed ?
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

  A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train.
                     




  Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper
berth and

she in the lower berth.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying...
'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied,  'Just for tonight......let's pretend that
we're married'

'Wow!..  That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own damn blanket.'



After a moment of silence, ... he farted.

The End

MY YEARLY  EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
  "How much do you weigh?" she asked.
  "135," I replied.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked: "Your height?"
"5 feet, 6 inches," I answered.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.

This one is kind of lengthy, but I got a smile from it.



Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?'



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.



'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'



'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'



'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'



I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.



'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)



'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).



'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.



'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.



'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're
about to witness the miracle of birth.'



'Oh, gross!!' they shrieked



'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.



'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.



'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.



'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.



'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.



'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)



'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.



We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe,
Ernie, breathe,' he urged.



'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for gosh sake.)



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.



'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.



'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?'



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.



'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.



'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.



We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just... just... excited,'
my wife offered.



'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.



More silence.



Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.



'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that... I'm picturing
you pulling on it's... its... teeny little...' She gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.



'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.



'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.



'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!



Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

 :biggrin:

"lizards lay eggs", or more appropriately reptiles. I was thinking that through the whole thing!   :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT &DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Am wondering if there aren't vast numbers of people nowadays who think that a "huge erection" is a large voter turnout in an Asian country.

Quote from: me on January 31, 2010, 10:44:43 PM

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Compare that to the $2B annual sales of NASCAR hats and jackets and you see where the populace lies in the right things to spend money on.  Of course, we spend more than that on annual sales of statins in the bogus war on cholesterol.  Pfizer knows exactly what it is doing.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001 (http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001)

Jokes are now in video form too! Bud Light anyone? :icon_twisted:

Quote from: Palehorse on February 02, 2010, 04:24:10 PM
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001 (http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001)

Jokes are now in video form too! Bud Light anyone? :icon_twisted:

That is a good one...... :yes:

                                Einstein was born March 14, 1879.  He would be 129 if he were alive today.   Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.  At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.

                                He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

                                 This came to be known as...



                                Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

                                Oh, quit groaning!  I don't write this shit....

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't  twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
'My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work'

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.




'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen.'





'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'





'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,'Because I process food and give all of you energy.'




   'I should be in charge,' said thelegs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'




'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'




    'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly , the eyes got watery, and the blood! Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work,,,







The asshole   is usually in charge

Birth Control

An   Arkansas couple, both bonafied rednecks,
had 9 children. They went to the doctor
to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly  started the required
procedure and asked them what
made them make the decision.
Why after nine children would they finally do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent
article that one out of every ten children being
born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't
want to take a chance on having a Mexican
baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day.... 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES: 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.. 
Mother,  AKC German Shepherd. 
Father, Super Dog. able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. 
Looks like a rat. Been out a while. 
Better be a big reward. 

COWS: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.. 

NORDIC TRACK 
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby. 

GEORGIA PEACHES 
California grown - 89 cents/lb. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 
Worn once by mistake.. Call Stephanie. 

And the best one?: 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything

> >  Republican Blonde Phone Call

> > "Hi Mom, How are you?"
> >
> > "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
> >
> > "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
> >
> > "What happened?"
> >
> > "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
> >
> > "What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
> >
> > "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

FIVE SHORT STORIES BY MEN!



ONE:

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.



I said, "Morning."



He said, "No, just taking a shit."





TWO:

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.





THREE:

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child.



She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!"



I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."





FOUR:

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.



I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."





FIVE:

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.



I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
And two small children.


Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with
A huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a  Colt Model
1911  45 cal.  Automatic pistol , and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

.......................................................................

THINK
CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Republican Answer :

Well,
that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the
Gun like a club
And knock the knife out of
His hand?
What does the law say about
This situation?
Does the pistol have
Appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I
Carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
Content just to wound me?
If I were to grab
His knees and hold
On, could my family get
Away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weeded and
Make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.. This is
All so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a
Few days and try to come to a consensus.


.................................................................................



Democrat's Answer:

BANG!



.............................................................................

Redneck's Answer:

BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG !
Click...... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter:
'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son:
'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife:
'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'

uh, I think you screwed that one up my friend.... :yes:

http://media.mtvnservices.com/video/player.swf?uri=mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319&group=music&type=error&ref=None&geo=US (http://media.mtvnservices.com/video/player.swf?uri=mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319&group=music&type=error&ref=None&geo=US)

 :biggrin:

In light of Obama's upcoming visit with the Dalai Lama, a review of lamas is in order: a one 'L' lama is a Tibetan holy man, a two 'L' lama is an Andean pack animal and a three 'L' lama is a big ass fire!

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam), when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

 :spooked:

FREE KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing "Free Kittens."

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?"
he asked.

"Kittens." little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "Free Kittens" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans and Independents."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Democrats."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Quote from: Exterminator on February 19, 2010, 09:18:16 AM
In light of Obama's upcoming visit with the Dalai Lama, a review of lamas is in order: a one 'L' lama is a Tibetan holy man, a two 'L' lama is an Andean pack animal and a three 'L' lama is a big ass fire!

A really funny groaner!!

Quote from: Palehorse on February 19, 2010, 10:43:23 AM
An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam), when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

>Paddy  is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor
>>          how he could tell if his  bride-to-be is still a virgin.
>>
>>His doctor  says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for
>>          what we call a  Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small
>>          can  of red paint, a small can of blue paint  and a
>>          shovel."
>>Paddy  asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these
>>          things,  doctor?"
>>The  doctor replies, "Before ye climb
>>          into bed on your wedding  night, you paint one of your testicles red
>>          and  the other testicle blue.   
>>If  she says, "That's the strangest pair of testicles I ever did
>>          see...", you  hit her with  the shovel.'

(Anyone else see a theme developing here?)  :biggrin: St Patrick's Day approaches!  :puke: (Sorry, closest thin I could find to green in the smiley selections)

Irish Hooker


An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty Quid" she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before but decides -- what the hell it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh I'm so sorry' says the cop' I didn't know.'

'Well needer did I' says Paddy 'til ya shined dat light in her face!!!"

Okay enough picking on the Irish. . .


The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...



"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.."

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10  bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in  it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money  in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you  get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new  Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the  jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 

First -  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,  and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare  hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be  nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other  things!"

"Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn  tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in  58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then  nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad  tooth?"

Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day.

  He inquired, "Where have you been?"

  God smiled deeply and delightedly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

  Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

  "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

  "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

  God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor.

  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people. Balance in all things."

  God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

  The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

  "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and
producers of software."

  Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."

  God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I
put there."

  Viagra coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
> >
> >           A little old
> lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
> > to be
> >
> >    confronted by a well-dressed young man
> carrying a vacuum cleaner.
> >    "Good morning," said the young
> man. "If I could take a couple of
> >    minutes of your time, I would like to
> demonstrate the very
> > latest
> >
> >    in  high-powered vacuum
> cleaners."
> >           "Go
> away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and
> haven't got any
> >    money!"  and she proceeded to
> close the door.
> >           Quick as a flash,
> the young man wedged his foot in the door
> > and
> >
> >    pushed  it wide open.
> "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
> >           "Not
>  until you have at least seen my demonstration."
> And with
> >    that, he  emptied a bucket of horse
> manure onto her hallway carpet.
> >
> >    "If this   vacuum cleaner does
> not remove all traces of this horse
> >    manure from  your carpet, Madam, I
> will personally eat the
> >    remainder." The old lady
>  stepped back and said, "Well let me get
> >
> >    you a fork, 'cause they cut  off
> my electricity this morning ."
> >

 :spooked: :spooked:   :rotfl:

Is sex work?
 
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
 
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
 
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
 
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
 
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
 
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
 
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
 
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
 
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
 
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
 
The room fell silent.
 
God Bless the enlisted man.

One morning a man walk into a small local bar with his monkey.  He orders a beer and the lets the monkey loose.  The monkey jumps upon the bar and grabbing a boil egg in the shell, looks at and throws it into the air and swallows it whole, he then goes to the, in the shell peanuts and does the same thing.  He then jumps over to the pool table and grabs the cue ball looks at it and trowes the ball into the air and swallows it.

   The bartender said, hey buddy,  your monkey has just swallowed my cue ball, what in hell is wrong with him.  Well, the man said,  I really don't know.  But every thing he gets he swallows it whole.   Well who going to pay for the cue ball.  The  man payes for the ball and walks out. :yes: :yes:

  Two week later the same man walks walks into the bar, orders a beer and turns the monkey loose.  the monkey jumps up on the bar, walks up to he boiled eggs and put it up his ass and then swallows it.  He then walks up the peanuts in the shell, shoves it up his and eats it.  The bartender watching all of this says,  what the hell is you monkey doing.  Every thing he eats, he shoves it up his first and then swallows it.

   Well, the owner of the monkey said, ever since he passed  that cue ball, he measures everything  first.  The Troll  :o ;D :biggrin: :biggrin:

If a pitbull and a shitsu mated would the pups be called BullShitsU?   :icon_twisted: :biggrin:

   A man walks into a doctors office with a large toad on this head.  The doctor says, may I help you.  At this time the toad speaks up and says,  I want you to take the wart off my ass.  It must have been Henry.   :wink:

The Troll :laugh: :biggrin:

Quote from: Palehorse on March 26, 2010, 04:09:42 PM
If a pitbull and a shitsu mated would the pups be called BullShitsU?   :icon_twisted: :biggrin:

:biggrin:

 :rolleyes:

  A man walks in to a dog friendly bar with his huge pitbull and sit down next to an old man with a ugly, old white dog.  Now let's face it, this was one ugly, old dog. :yes: :yes: :yes:

  The guy with the pitbull orders a beer and looks down the the old man's dog. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: He laugh and laugh as says that is the most ugly dog that I have ever see.  The old man say, what ever. :mad:

   The pitbull owner just goes on and and on about the old guys ugly dog and says, why don't you, just get a gun and put that damn old dog out of it's misery.  The old guy says, what ever. :mad: :mad:

  Pitbull guy says, I just don't like you attitude, for a quarter, I'd turn my pitbull on that old ratty dog. :no:  The old man threw him a quarter and the turned his pitbull loose. :yes: :yes:

  Well, hell broke out, the hair, the blood and piss started flying and in about 30 seconds the pitbull was laying dead in a bloody, hairy pile on the floor. :confused: :confused:

  Pitbull guy jumps up and screams, what in hell of kind of a dog is that,  I fight pitbulls and that was the most vicious attack that I've see. :eek: :eek: :o

  The old man said,  ;D well he was a 150 pound alligator, until I bobbed his tail and painted him white. :yes:

  Moral of the story, don't mess around with an old man and his dog. :biggrin: :biggrin:

The Troll  :wink: :smile:

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 


 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :   



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?   


 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 


 
  One student, however, wrote the following:   
  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 


   Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


 
This gives two possibilities:   


   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   
   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 
So which is it?   
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A male patient is lying in bed


in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy..'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

  One fine day a young couple walk into a doctor's office.  They told the doctor, that they were going to be married.  They wanted the doctor to tell them the several ways of birth control, because they wanted some finer things in life before they had any children.

  The doctor told them that he was a homeopathic doctor and didn't believe to drugs as a form of birth control.  He said, that there was douche system, the condom method and rhythm system method. He explained to them the systems very carefully and the couple left the office. :yes: :yes: 

    Three years later as he was walking down the street, he runs into them.  They have with them.  Two little girls and triplets boys. :villageppl:  :o :o  :gha:  :yes:

   He said, I thought that you wanted some finer things in life before you had children.  The young woman blew her top.  Doc, I want you to meet the kids. :yes: :yes: :yes:

  Meet Blowout, Washout and the Three Rhythm Boys. :help:

The Troll :no1: :seeya2:

Guy goes into a bar,there's a robot bartender.
                         
The robot says,"What will you have?"The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, Space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves,but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "115."   
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
So he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says,"What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini,"

and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
           

I don't think our last presidents I.Q. was even as high as 60

 This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

It pays to  be able to laugh about it when you are!               

   


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"  The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam",  said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on  SUNDAY".

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to  mutter,  "Well, shit, that's why  no one was at church today."



                 

                 

                 

The Perfect Boyfriend

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

 

    "Me"  I found you are good at one thing, telling jokes.  There some of the best ones I heard in a good while.  I usually don't laugh out loud, but I sure did on these.  I'll remember them.


    :wait: :idea3:         :laugh: :laugh:  :laugh:     :bliss:  :bliss:         :wave:  :wave:  :no1:

                             Dinner party for 8 $250 ...

         

                             Wine for guests $80...

         

                             Your parents are there,

         

                             Your in-laws are there,

         

                             Your boss and his

                             wife are there,

         

                             The minister and

         

                             his wife are there,

         

                             You're all

         

                             settling down for

         

                             a nice relaxing

         

                             evening dinner ,

         

                             Then In Walks

         

                             The Dog.....

         

                             PRICELESS!

         

         

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
' Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show! '
and out she goes.

The next day the teen ager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
' Loosen up, Sweetie..
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Quote from: Henry Hawk on April 27, 2010, 10:31:47 AM
The robot then says, What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

That's not a joke; it's more political douche-baggery and certainly not supported by demographics.

OPENING LINE



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me.  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding.  I'm a lawyer too.  What firm are you with?

  Two lawyer standing of a street corner waiting for the light to change.  When  one hell of a  beautiful blond woman walked by.
   
  One of the lawyers elbows the other one and says, will you take a look at that, how would you like to screw that.

  The lawyer said after looking at her, up and down.  Screw you out of what?


  What the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead snake laying beside a highway.

  Skid marks in front of the snake.

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

    Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

    Customer says , 'Female.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

    Customer says , 'White.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

    Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

    Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

Quote from: The Troll on May 13, 2010, 08:34:55 AM
  Two lawyer standing of a street corner waiting for the light to change.  When  one hell of a  beautiful blond woman walked by.
   
  One of the lawyers elbows the other one and says, will you take a look at that, how would you like to screw that.

  The lawyer said after looking at her, up and down.  Screw you out of what?


  What the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead snake laying beside a highway.

  Skid marks in front of the snake.

I forget who posted this one, first.  It has been a while and worth repeating based on Troll's first one above.  I believe honors goes to either Locutus or Palehorse, but don't recall, and don't feel like looking it up...

Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench talking
An 8yr old boy comes over to the swings near them and starts swinging
Priest leans over and whispers to the Rabbi: "how would you like to fuck him?"
Rabbi looks a bit shocked, then puzzled and responds: "out of what?"

Four Moms in therapy



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.

     "You all have obsessions," he observed.

     To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

     He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

     He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

     At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.

Another old one;

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.  Mickey's attorney is drilling Minnie on the stand.  The attorney asks Minnie "do you have any idea where you are?", "do you have any idea how long you have been ill?", "why did you not seek help for your problem?", "do you know how miserable your husband is watching you go insane?", all without letting Minnie answer and she begins to sob.  The judge tells the attorney "that is enough".

The attorney goes back to Mickey's table and Mickey asks in a confused, but angry voice, "what are you doing?!"  The attorney replied, "I am just following your lead that MS Mouse is crazy as a motive for your wanting the divorce".  Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy.  I said she was fucking Goofy!".

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.




Colonoscopy Journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
   
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through    Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
   
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of   America  's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
   
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage..  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.   
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere..  I was seriously nervous at this point.
   
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
   
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in    Arkansas   , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

           And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Three men - a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a White Trash Biker

are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total - one each', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'For my wish I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

 

Afternoon Quickie..................

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:


'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.


'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'



'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!  Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

The economy is so bad that:


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.



My ATM gave me an IOU!



A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.



I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.



I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.



If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
and ask if they meant you or them.



McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.



Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.



Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.



My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!



A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .



Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.



A picture is now only worth 200 words.



They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."



When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.



The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.



Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!



And, finally...



I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

One more...

I met my fairy godmother last weekend. She was a temp!

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,


"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" 



"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..


She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:


"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .


You could hear
a pin drop.


Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...








    "Blue Cross!"

How WV Sees America

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_xYyjL2g12G0/SGvaNAQfT_I/AAAAAAAAAjM/X3pByrVRsM4/s1600/How_West_Virginia_Sees_America.jpg)

I'm sorry that's so huge

LMFATO!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

 
Irish Nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."  "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.
"What part did you get"?

(http://i475.photobucket.com/albums/rr111/hlovett_2008/155848_134749783245398_100001311312820_168650_2900384_n.jpg)

Two good ole boys are in a bar throwing back a few brews.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a  day?"
"Aw crap..," says his  friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"

 :no:   booo!!... :biggrin:

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 09, 2010, 04:37:03 PM
:no:   booo!!... :biggrin:

As a member of the Legion I found that funny!

Quote from: Palehorse on December 09, 2010, 04:41:21 PM
As a member of the Legion I found that funny!

I'm not a member and thought it was funny too....are you ready to become an Elk now?

Quote from: Henry Hawk on December 09, 2010, 04:43:33 PM
I'm not a member and thought it was funny too....are you ready to become an Elk now?

Can't afford the dues to another club right now. . .

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

  God's  Problem Now. 
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when  there was
                a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
                bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                rumbling in the distance. 
The little, old man looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
                'Well, she's there."  :biggrin:

God
said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for
Me."

Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"


God
said, "Go down
into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"

God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."

Adam said, "What's a
river?"

God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."

Adam said, "What is a
hill?"


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
the
other side of the
hill you will find a
cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
woman?'

So God explained
that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you
to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
that?" 

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,

across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.

Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a
headache?"

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :rotfl: :rotfl:

One summer, little Johnny saw a bicycle he wanted in the window of a local shop, decided that was what he'd ask for for Christmas that year and almost immediately, started dropping hints to his parents.  As summer turned to fall, Johnny decided he should write to Santa and ask for the bike as well.  After weeks passed with no reply from Santa, Johnny decided to go straight to the top with his request: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole year!"

After some thought, Johnny realized that it would probably be impossible for him to be good for an entire year, wadded up the letter and began anew: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole month!"

Again, Johnny realized that this was improbable, abandoned that letter and started again: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole week!"

Upon further reflection, Johnny again realized that, given the difficulty of going even a single day being good, it was unlikely that he could last a week and scrapped the third letter as well.  Johnny had quite a quandry on his hands, not wanting to lie to God and whatnot, and thought hard about how to convince Him to get his new bike for Christmas.  As he considered his options and absentmindedly looked around his room, he came across a statue of the virgin Mary and was struck with an idea.  He leapt from his chair, ran over and grabbed the statue, wrapped her in a towel, stuffed her into a shoebox and buried the box in the very back of his closet.

Then, he began to write: "Dear God, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered           0
Transvestites                         133
Hernias                              1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases                3,172
Enlarged Prostates               8,249
Breast Implants                  59,350
Natural Blondes                         3

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"? "Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? Asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops".    :eek:

Not a joke, but it was in my inbox, and it is interesting: (And I did snopes it, and as expected it is basically true, but the "author" did exercise a little imagination in penning the tales).


Two True Stories
   STORY NUMBER  ONE

    Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago .  Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

      Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason.  Eddie was very good!  In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time..

     To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well.  Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well.  For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of  the day.  The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

      Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. 

      Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.  Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld.   Price was no object.

      And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.  Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

      Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

      One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

      He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.  To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.  So, he testified.

      Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street .  But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.  Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

      The poem read:

      "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour.  Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time.  For the clock may soon be still."



      STORY NUMBER  TWO

      World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

      He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

      One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.  After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

      He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his  ship.

      His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.  Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

      As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

      The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.  He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet.  Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.  There was only one thing to do.  He must somehow divert them from the  fleet.

      Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.  Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.  Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

      Undaunted, he continued the assault.  He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

      Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

      Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

      Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.  The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale.  It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.  He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft 
This took place on February 20, 1942 , and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.

      A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29..  His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

      So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.  It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.


      SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


      Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

A SHORT STORY

Man driving down a road

Woman driving up the same road.

She yells "PIG!".

He yells "BITCH!".

He goes around the curve, hits huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

When will men learn to listen?

A fabulous retort!

 

Yesterday I  had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.   Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. 
The waiting room was filled with patients.  As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.  I sighed and gave her my name. 
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.   
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.  But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERA-TION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

 ;D  ;D  ;D

MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

Quote from: Anne on February 17, 2011, 11:49:59 AM
MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

:biggrin: :biggrin:

Quote from: Anne on February 17, 2011, 11:49:59 AM
MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

That's strange, the same thing happened to me.   :biggrin:

 Former President  Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to  sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and  asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the  end of the bar?'


The bartender   says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over  and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are  you doing in here?'

Bush says, '  I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says,  'Really? What's going to  happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm  going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde  with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed,  'A blonde with big boobs?

Why kill a  blonde with big  boobs?'

Bush  turns to the bartender and  says,

'See, I told you, no one  gives a crap about the 140 million  Muslims'. 

A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie."

Quote from: Sandy Eggo on February 27, 2011, 01:55:51 PM
A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie."

  Finally some thing I agree with you on.  I think the teacher are under paid and Teabaggers and the Republicans want to cut their pay.  I sure hope they win in Wisconsin.  They have got to win for all of the American teachers.  :thumbsup:

Standard Medical Pricing Procedure

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber, and began to update the family members.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. '

The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure,

very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN!'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed this news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 a pound for a Democrat's brains; and $200 a pound for a Republican's brains.'

The moment turned very awkward. Some of the family members who were Democrats actually had to 'try' not to smile,

avoiding eye contact with those who were Republicans. A woman unable to control her curiosity,

finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,



'My God... Why is the Democrat's brain so much more expensive than a Republican's brain?'

The doctor smiled with a childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'Do you know how many Democrats it takes to get a pound of Brains?'

  You must be one of those rare and odd Republicans.  You don't have any brains. :biggrin:

 The Last Nickel                               

A father walks into a restaurant
With his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels
To play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
Going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has
Swallowed the nickels and starts
Slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels,
But keeps choking.  Looking at his
Son, the father is panicking,
Shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and
Serious looking woman in a blue
Business suit is sitting at the
Coffee bar reading a newspaper
And sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion,
She looks up, puts her coffee cup
Down, neatly folds the newspaper
And places it on the counter, gets
Up from her seat and makes
Her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
Drops his pants, takes hold of the
Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze
And twist, gently at first, and
Then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
Up the last nickel, which the
Woman deftly catches in her
Free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles,
The woman hands the nickel
To the father and walks back
To her seat at the coffee bar
Without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has
Suffered no ill effects, the father
Rushes over to the woman and starts
Thanking her saying, "I've never seen
Anybody do anything like that
Before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

          ***********************
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

That is both funny as hell and scarey as hell.... :spooked: 

Quote from: Henry Hawk on March 02, 2011, 10:16:07 AM
That is both funny as hell and scarey as hell.... :spooked:

  This is wonderful, both Henry and I agree on something.  :yes: :biggrin:

Quote from: The Troll on March 02, 2011, 12:11:39 PM
  This is wonderful, both Henry and I agree on something.  :yes: :biggrin:

That TOO, is funny as hell AND SCAREY as hell..... :spooked: :biggrin:

Quote from: Henry Hawk on March 02, 2011, 12:12:30 PM
That TOO, is funny as hell AND SCAREY as hell..... :spooked: :biggrin:

  :thumbsup:  :salute:  :seeya2:  :dark:

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St.  Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.' 
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Old Sailor and the Working Girl

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots ?   he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and your knot getting your money back.

Quote from: me on February 28, 2011, 04:21:57 AM
'Do you know how many Democrats it takes to get a pound of Brains?'

This reminds me of the one that says that all fetuses have a penis in the early stages of development...but it falls off the dumb ones.   :biggrin:

Quote from: Exterminator on March 31, 2011, 01:58:38 PM
This reminds me of the one that says that all fetuses have a penis in the early stages of development...but it falls off the dumb ones.   :biggrin:

                                         :thumbsup:  :doh:  :grin2:

Driver's License
> >>
> >>
> >> A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's
> >> house for a play date.
> >>
> >> 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
> >>
> >> 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
> >> age,'
> >> the mother replied.
> >> 'It's not polite.'
> >>
> >> 'OK', the little girl says,
> >> 'How much do you weigh?'
> >>
> >> 'Now really,' the mother says,
> >> 'those are personal questions and are really none
> >> of
> >> your business.'
> >>
> >> Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and
> >> Daddy get a divorce?'
> >>
> >> 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
> >>
> >> The exasperated mother walks away as the two
> >> friends
> >> begin to play.
> >>
> >> 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the
> >> little girl says to her friend.
> >>
> >> 'Well,' says the friend,
> >> 'all you need to do is look at her driver's
> >> license.
> >> It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
> >>
> >> Later that night the little girl says to her
> >> mother,
> >> 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
> >>
> >> The mother is surprised and asks,
> >> 'How did you find that out?
> >>
> >> 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
> >>
> >> The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
> >> 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
> >>
> >> 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
> >> 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
> >>
> >> 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Because you got an F in sex.'

  Did you hear about the Texas midget.  He was all Texan.  Fancy boots and a ten gallon hat.  Quite the stud midget. 

  Well, he started to have testicle problems, they hurt like hell,  Oh my how they hurt.  So he went to the doctor.  He told the doctor, my balls are killing me.  The only relief I get is when I am sitting in my chair or in bed.  You got to give me some relief.

  Well, the doctor had him drop his pants and got down and looked.  The doctor said my god I have never seen anything like this.  The doctor reach over to his table and picked up a large set of shears.  The Texas midget couldn't look.  He first heard a snip, snip but it didn't hurt.  The doctor walked to the other side of the table he was laying and he heard snip, snip but it didn't hurt.

  The doctor said how does that feel.  The midget got up and said, my god there is no pain and I feel great, what did you do?

                                                                        Down









                                                                     Down









    I cut 3 inches off the top of your cowboy boots.    :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

        A Wish to Live Forever




I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live  forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed
to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said,  "then I want to die after
Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"


"You crafty bastard," said the  fairy.

 ;D

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a joint. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink...

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shittttt, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a bin Laden.

The bartender asks, "What's a bin Laden?"

The Seal replies, "Two shots and a splash of water."   :biggrin:

Quote from: Nighthawk on May 05, 2011, 03:45:08 PM
A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a bin Laden.

The bartender asks, "What's a bin Laden?"

The Seal replies, "Two shots and a splash of water."   :biggrin:

  I really wish that all of the stuff you said was that good.  :biggrin:

Speeding in Florida

A Florida  senior citizen drove his brand new Mustang convertible out of the dealership.


Taking off down the road, he  pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what  little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75,  pushing the pedal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror,  he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren  blaring.   He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?  I'm  too old for this!" and pulled  over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the  trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the  Mustang.  He looked at his watch, then  said, "Sir, my shift ends in  30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new  reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let  you go."


The old gentleman paused then  said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off  with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her  back."


"Have a good day,  Sir," replied the  trooper.

.There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed  man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Sleepin with Bob








The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,

because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one

of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the

next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,

"Man, what happened to you?"



He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,

what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that

Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older

cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't

believe it..



They said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob

into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob

sat up and watched me all night."

Things I Learned In The South   (From my daughter who lived for awhile in SC)


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,999 of them live in the south.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All of them live in the south, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite ya.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Uaw-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two. Folks in the south do like a little tea with their sugar.
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning, Did you eat?
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until it is done or it is too dark to see.
You don't push buttons, you mash them.
You measure distance in minutes.
You switch from heat to A/C multiple times in the same day.
All the festivals across the state is named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You what a DAWG is...
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your Own car.
You only own six spices: salt, pepper, Dale Sauce, Tabasco, Creole Seasoning and ketchup.... (I would add Rotel to this list.)
The local papers cover national and International news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.
Many think the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a tad warm.
You know what a hissy fit is.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as going Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World.
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
Fried catfish is the other white meal.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed, if our momma says we can drive, we can drive.

eBay Scam Alert


Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in sunlight.

Some bad ones for Exterminator   :laugh:

You don't need a parachute to skydive.....

You only need a parachute to skydive twice! 



If at first you don't succeed.....

Skydiving's not for you! 

:biggrin:

Kids identify flavors by their color: Red=Cherry, Yellow= Lemon, Green=Lime, Orange, =Oranges & so on..The teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a hint. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One girl looked up in horror, spits her lifesaver out & yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!!

:eek: :eek: :eek:

:biggrin:

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Quote from: Sandy Eggo on August 30, 2011, 12:08:51 PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :icon_twisted:

Quote from: Sandy Eggo on August 30, 2011, 12:08:51 PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Good one, Sandy.  :) :) :)