Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Locutus]

Not THAT is funny!!!   
My son has applied to become a police officer in Chicago.  He has an interview in December.  He is also flirting with re-enlisting into the Navy.  I told him I think he would be safer to be soldier fighting in Syria, than a cop in Chicago.

Why Chicago?   Does he live up that way?

[Henry Hawk]

Why Chicago?   Does he live up that way?

He likes Chicago, he lives in Indy....and "thinks" it would be a good gig.  I beg to differ with him, but he is full of piss and vinegar....yet, he IS a great young man, whom I am very proud of.  He also has his application in for the Indy Police dept.

[Palehorse]

He likes Chicago, he lives in Indy....and "thinks" it would be a good gig.  I beg to differ with him, but he is full of piss and vinegar....yet, he IS a great young man, whom I am very proud of.  He also has his application in for the Indy Police dept.

Don't sweat it. My own son is on the list for hire with CPD, as is his wife as well. Both have had their interviews and physical qualifications and passed with flying colors. My son has years of experience in the military. Both have degrees in criminal justice And both are waiting. . .

It is a 2-3 year process in most cases.

[The Troll]

  With all of the good jobs in this world, why in hell would any one want to be a damn cop. 

[Henry Hawk]

  With all of the good jobs in this world, why in hell would any one want to be a damn cop. 

There are NOT too many good jobs out there for young folks these days.

[me]

                    CAR KEYS

                     

                    Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

                     

                      I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

                     

                      A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

                     

                      Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

                     

                      Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

                     

                      My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

                     

                      My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

                     

                      His theory is that the car will be stolen.

                     

                      As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

                     

                      His theory was right.

                     

                      The parking lot was empty.

                     

                      I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

                     

                      confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

                     

                      Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered;  ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)   "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

                     

                      There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

                     

                      "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

                     

                      Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."

                     

                      He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

                     

                      Yep, it's the golden years................

[me]

Sex On Mars


    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

    Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another....
    Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member
    about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows
    until it's quite impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow..'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
    is extremely exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ...... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'


    IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

[me]

 Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life
> boat. While rummaging through the boat's
> provisions Ferret stumbles across an old lamp.
>
> He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
> This genie, however was a little different. He stated
> he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
>
> Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn
>  the entire ocean into beer..... Make that Victoria
> Bitter!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening
> crash, and immediately the sea turned into that
> hard-earned thirst quencher.
>
> The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the
> hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
> circumstances.  Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret
> whose wish it was that had been granted. After a long,
>  tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going
> Dickhead! Now we're going to have to piss in the
> boat."

[Palehorse]

Time tuh do muh SNOW dance!

                                                                                  
                                                                     
                                                         
                                             
                                 
                     
         
 
         
                     
                                 
                                             
                                                         
                                                                     
                                                                                 

Time tuh do muh SNOW dance!

                                                                                  
                                                                     
                                                         
                                             
                                 
                     
         
 
         
                     
                                 
                                             
                                                         
                                                                     
                                                                                 

[me]

 

[Palehorse]

Time tuh do muh SNOW dance!

                                                                                  
                                                                     
                                                         
                                             
                                 
                     
         
 
         
                     
                                 
                                             
                                                         
                                                                     
                                                                                 

Time tuh do muh SNOW dance!

                                                                                  
                                                                     
                                                         
                                             
                                 
                     
         
 
         
                     
                                 
                                             
                                                         
                                                                     
                                                                                 

[Palehorse]

[me]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and . . . with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This powerful medicine. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' "When you do, you become more manly than you have ever been in life, and can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[me]

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said: We've got to give it back. Sally said: Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said: No. Jerry said: She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said: Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said: Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: We're outta here!

[Anne]

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said: We've got to give it back. Sally said: Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said: No. Jerry said: She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said: Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said: Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: We're outta here!