Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Exterminator]

I went to communion the other day and when the priest said, "body of christ," I said, "thanks, I've been working out."

[Palehorse]

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
             
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
             
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
             
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
             
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
             
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
             
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
             
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
             
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime...

[me]

Airport Screening Report

     

    January Statistics On Airport Screening From The

    Department Of Homeland Security:

    Terrorists Discovered   0

    Transvestites                 133

    Hernias                          1,485

    Hemorrhoid Cases         3,172

    Enlarged Prostates         8,249

    Breast Implants              59,350

    Natural Blondes             3

     

     

                              It was also discovered that 535 congressional representatives had no balls.

[Bo D]

More bimbo jokes


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the bimbo behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the bimbo yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a bimbo were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The bimbo said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the bimbo replied,

'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A bimbo was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked,

'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY, THE BIMBO JOKE TO END ALL BIMBO JOKES !

A girl was visiting her bimbo friend, who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were.

The bimbo responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the bimbo.

'They're watch dogs'!

[Palehorse]

 

[me]

WHY MEN PREFER DATING BIMBO'S



10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera."

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys.'

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality, now please finish putting on that French maid outfit."

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe your definition of eight inches.

1. They will put up with you.

[Palehorse]

Bimbo Dictionary of Medical Terms


Artery  Study of Painting

Bacteria Back door to the cafeteria

Barium What doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel A letter like A, E, I, O, or U

Caesarean Section A district in Rome

Catheter String instruments

Cat Scan  Searching for kitty

Cauterize Made eye contact with her

Colic A sheep dog

Congenital  Friendly

D & C  Where the White House is

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Fester  Quicker

Fibula  Small lie

Genital  Non Jewish

G I Series  Soldier baseball

Grippe  Suitcase

Hangnail Coat hook

High Colonic  Jewish religious holiday

Impotent  Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain  Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff  Doctor's cane

Morbid  Higher offer

Nitrate  Cheaper than the day rate

Node  Was aware of

Outpatient Person who has fainted

Pap Smear  Paternity test

Pelvis Cousin of Elvis

Postoperative  Mail carrier

Prostate  Flat on your back

Recovery Room  Place to do upholstery

Rectum  Dang near killed him!

Rheumatic Amorous

Secretion  Hiding something

Seizure  Roman emperor

Tablet  Small table

Terminal Illness   Getting sick at the airport

Tibia Country in North Africa

Tumor  More than one

Urine Opposite of you're out

Varicose  Near by

Vein Conceited

[Palehorse]

The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party
is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current
issue of the journal "Nurture."  Reports of the gene that codes for
political conservatism, discovered after a long study of quintuplets
in Orange County, Calif., has sent shock waves through the medical,
political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from
unhealthy family life -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans
had authoritative, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers
who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But biologists  have
long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one
author of the "Nurture" article, "It's quite common for a Republican to
have a brother or a sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of
Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political
views of otherwise lovable people -- their children, friends, and
unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on
hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said,
seated beside her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew
that nobody would actually choose that life style!" When asked what
the Republican life style was, she said, "Well, you can just tell
from watching TV, like at the convention in Houston: the loud outfits,
the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant demagogy -- you know."

Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early
age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they
became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

Despite the near-certainty of the medical community of Republicanism's
genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The "Nurture" article offered
no response to the suggestion that the startlingly high incidence of
Republicanism among siblings could result from the fact that they
share not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes,
being the products of the same parents and family dynamics.

And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are known
to vote Republican occasionally -- or at least to fantasize about doing
so. Polls show that three out of five Democrats admit to having had a
Republican experience. In well-adjusted people, however, this
experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence.

Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step
forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They
argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome life
style any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they
shouldn't be denied civil rights to which normal people are entitled.

Other Republicans, recalling 19th-century scientific studies that
"proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search
for the biological cause of Republicanism pointless, if not downright
sinister.

But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a
brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate
Republicanism altogether.

If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many
suspect) but is something Republicans can't help and probably don't
even like, there's no reasons why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans in
the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt
their political beliefs.

[me]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

[me]

Four men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded." The third man said, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[Palehorse]

KARMA'S A BITCH!

[me]

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

   



The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
   
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!" ..

[me]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night the old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life." Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Arent you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.   

[me]

[The Troll]

  That's our girl "ME", she don't know shit.