Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Capitalization Letters



Who uses them anymore?...A teacher's explanation –

short and to the point.



In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more

and more people who send text messages and emails have

long forgotten the art of using capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take

a note of the following statement:



"Capitalization is the difference between helping your

Uncle Jack off a horse

and ...helping your uncle jack off a horse."



Is everybody clear on that?

[libby]

Capitalization Letters


Who uses them anymore?...A teacher's explanation –

short and to the point.


In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more

and more people who send text messages and emails have

long forgotten the art of using capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take

a note of the following statement:



"Capitalization is the difference between helping your

Uncle Jack off a horse

and ...helping your uncle jack off a horse."



Is everybody clear on that?

Yes. Do I have a dirty mind? Not necessarily. Capitalization IS important.

[me]

 

Short Med School Exam

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."


Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress

[Exterminator]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.  Bartender says, "I'll serve you two but don't try to start anything."

[Palehorse]

So my friend walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

He said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So he said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing he remembered.........

[Palehorse]

This guy goes into his barber, and he's all excited. He says, "I'm going to go to Rome.

I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope."

The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about 10,000 people."

So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, "How was it?"

"Great," he says. Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got the meet the Pope."

You met the Pope? Said the barber.

"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

"And what did he say?"

"He said, "Where did you get that crummy haircut?"

[Palehorse]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said poetically, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Again John said poetically, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

" Oh!" Mary choked clearly moved...."that was very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!!"

[Palehorse]

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream......

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!!!"

[Palehorse]

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. 'It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon!!!!'"

[Palehorse]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out......

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back.....

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling....

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies....... "Hurt's, don't it???!!!"

[Palehorse]

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heartbroken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!!!"

[Palehorse]

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem......how to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" said the biker and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said "As a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!"

[Palehorse]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!!!'

The teacher was speechless.......

[Palehorse]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says.......

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!

[Henry Hawk]

Not THAT is funny!!!   
My son has applied to become a police officer in Chicago.  He has an interview in December.  He is also flirting with re-enlisting into the Navy.  I told him I think he would be safer to be soldier fighting in Syria, than a cop in Chicago.