Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Natas]

Headache Remedy

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[Exterminator]

One night after a hard night of partying with the rest of the gods, Thor, the god of thunder awakened next to a beautiful girl whom he did not recognize.  Guessing that he probably picked her up drunk at the party, he thought the appropriate thing to do would be to introduce himself so he sat up in the bed, hit himself twice in the chest with his fist and said, "I.m Thor."

"You're Thor;" replied the girl, "I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

[~vxn~]

sick, absolutely deplorable.  lol... j/k.  lololololl....

[~vxn~]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John
says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He
grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is
halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls his penis. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look,"
says the 2nd nun..."it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also
pulls his penis...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The
third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing
happens. So she pulls a fourth time. "Oh look, handlotion!"

[~vxn~]

black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them, sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...... Are - my - test - results - back?'

[~vxn~]

i apologize to the blondes:

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some
money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it
under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of
the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath
the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the
$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

***

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry,but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads.

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! ... I PROMISE !)

"W I N A B A G E L"

***

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time
choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then
asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room
are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer
monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

[~vxn~]

why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

a prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

[pariann]

Found this in my inbox on bookofmatches:

"you should be on the cover of MILF magazine...damn your sexy as hell!"

That's a helluva joke if you ask me LOL

[pariann]

 I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in about 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

[pariann]

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. Can't forget the classic long sleeve shirt with shorts combined with socks and sandals.....
Great look! by the way did ya even look in a mirror?

[pariann]

-----------------------------------------
President Bush, Dick Cheney, and Laura Bush were all riding on Air Force One. Bush sighs, looks out the window and says: "I could make someone very happy right now by throwing $1000 out the window."

Dick Cheney rolls his eyes and says "Yeah, i could make 10 people very happy by throwing ten $100 bills out the window."

Laura looks at both of them and shrugs, "That's nothing. i could make 100 people very happy by throwing 100 ten dollar bills out the window."

After hearing all this, the pilot rolls his eyes, turns to his co-pilot, and says, "such big shots back there. hell, i could throw all 3 of them out the window right now, and make the world happy."

[pariann]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )


Some lions mate over 50 times
a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(okay, so that would be a good thing)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)

[Natas]

The Hair Dryer


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Of course, what may I do for you?"

Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?"

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official
asked, "Father, do you have an ything to declare?"

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to
date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Sunny]

Headache Remedy

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Sooo funny. Please don't let my husband get his hands on THIS one.

[me]