Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

7 kinds of sex


> The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex. This kind
> of sex
> happens when you first meet someone and you both
> have sex until you are blue
> in the face.
>
>
>
> The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for a short time and you are so horny
> you will have sex
> anywhere, even in the kitchen.
>
>
> The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten
> routine and you usually
> have sex only in your bedroom.
>
>
>
> The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
> when you have been with
> your partner for too long. When you pass each other
> in the hallway you both
> say " f...  you."
>
>
>
> The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which
> means you get Nun in the
> morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night.
> (Very Popular)
>
>
> The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This
> is when you cannot stand
> your wife any more. She takes you to court and
> screws you in front of
> everyone.
> 
>
>
> And last, but not least,
> 
>
>
> The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
> You get a little each
> month. But not enough to live on.

[me]

    A lady walks into Tiffany's.   She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.   As she bends over to look
more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'   Very
uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at
the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'   He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'

[me]

True Story from Houston Medical Center




A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
Hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
Ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
Jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[Sandy Eggo]

Job at FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there  were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman. 

For the final test, the FBI  agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.   "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the  circumstances.  Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair .  Kill her!!"  The man said,
"You can't be serious. I could  never shoot my wife."  The agent said,
"Then you're not the right man  for this job.  Take your wife and go
home."

The second man was given  the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet  for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried,  but I can't kill my wife." The agent
said,  "You don't have what it  takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She  was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and  went into the room.  Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard  screaming, crashing, banging
on the  walls.  After a few minutes, all was  quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat  from her brow. "This
gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him  to death with
the chair."

MORAL:  Women are crazy. Don't mess  with them.

[me]

Thought for the day !!!   Handle every stressful situation like a dog.... If you can't eat it, or hump it, piss on it, and walk away!

[me]

 A short love story
I think you'll enjoy this... A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

[followsthewolf]

 

[followsthewolf]

A short love story
I think you'll enjoy this... A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on aTrans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f---ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

[me]

MODERN TIMES

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously
very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually,we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn
inchessss llong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

[Palehorse]

BATHROOM STORY...

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it

quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library,

the grocery store or at a drive~thru window. People often comment on how

clearly he speaks for a just~turned 3~year~old, and you never have to ask

him to turn up the volume; it's always fully cranked. There have been

several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would

have been masked by a not~so~audible voice, but never have I wished this

more than last week at Costco. Halfway through our shopping trip, nature

called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the

ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard

coming from the second to last stall:



'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the

potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what

are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'



At this point, I started mentally counting how many women had been in the

restroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could

wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall

and reveal my identity.



Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies, aren't you? Oh, dats a good

girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh, Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh,

I see dem! Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You ARE gonna get some candy!'



I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.

Where is a screaming new born when you need one? Good grief. This was

really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before

exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's

purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some.



'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at

this point. 'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies

are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!



As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly

flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with

myself: Okay, there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can

be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue

will be long gone.



'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done doing

stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He gr unted as he tried to pull me.



Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside

my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What

were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at da wady's feet?'



More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.' He

started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I

want to go out!!'



I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the

door, and found, standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded

around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was

complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the

'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and

pri vacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed

bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, 'I'd sign it all

away again, just to be known as 'Mommy' to this little fellow.'

[me]

Old age and treachery trumps youth and enthusiasm!



The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was

marrying a "mail order" bride.



Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom

assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new

bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."



Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the

sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker
tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help
him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought
this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.



About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?", asked the banker.



Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."



The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And

how's the hired hand?"



Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Never underestimate and old geezer!!

[me]

> Doctors Never Laugh
>
> The Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over
> twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>
> "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
> tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
> than the size of a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
> to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
> regain his composure.
>
> "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over
> me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
> again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
>
> "It's swollen," Bob replied.

[me]

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like ***** cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! When the cloud of sand began to settle, She gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[me]

     
    Circumcised - (this is priceless!)
     
    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
     
    She went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
     
    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.  He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
     
    He did it and returned to his class.  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.  She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out.  'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
     
    'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
     
    'KIDS . DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM???

[Gryphon]

LOL!!!