Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Dexter Morgan]

Bummer! Poor Joe

Yeah, he didn't even see it coming LOL!!! 

[me]

In  a Chicago hospital, a gentleman made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the  wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,  and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW button and warm water sprayed gently upon his  bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the  PP  button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower.  This was unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies restroom was more than just a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the  ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, with a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.  The nurse responed, "sir, the button labeled ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your  pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN.

[me]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex<  This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.  I have enough problems of my own.

[me]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Palehorse]

 

[Sandy Eggo]

[me]

The Blonde & The Indian!


An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

[me]

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!  But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.  She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.  She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.  Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

[me]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping
just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then
in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

[me]

Possibly the best come-back ever!


A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks,
he goes over to the new guy with a smug look on his face and asks him
(in a voice louder than necessary):
'So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies
(also in a voice louder than necessary):
'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new.

[Bo D]

 

Ouch!

[me]

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"   Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."   The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."  Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."  The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.   The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.   His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance
God is good 

[me]

WOMEN'S MOTTO:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says..
' Oh shit ... she's awake!!'

[me]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, 'the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said,'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and
said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled
and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and
said, 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on Top.

[Sandy Eggo]

Center for Disease Control Health Alert



The Center for Disease Control has issue d a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

And Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected.



(Smile, it's contagious)