Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb asshole" is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

[me]

    Cowboy in Pharmacy
    A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the  store, there were no males employed there.

    She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

    The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

    The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

    The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for
    me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
    problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
    could give me for it.'

    The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

    When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.'

[me]

                             PASSWORD:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.
..

P...
E.....
N....
I.....
S.....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED.   NOT LONG ENOUGH...

[me]

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

  It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.

  If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[Exterminator]

Hence the condition I refer to when I call in sick, anal glaucoma.  That's when I can't see my ass going to work that day.

[me]

Hence the condition I refer to when I call in sick, anal glaucoma.  That's when I can't see my ass going to work that day.

[Sandy Eggo]

I like that!

[me]

 When  I was born, God gave me two  choices.... 
(1).... I could  either have a memory.... 
                       OR
(2)....  Be    in bed !!!  ......
Shit  !!! ...
Now  I forgot what I waz gunna tell  ya!!!   

[me]

AND HOW DID THE FIGHT GET STARTED????

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

And that's how the fight started 

[Sandy Eggo]

LMAO!

[me]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

[me]

You gotta love a good nurse.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch.  Worried that it might be a second surgery the
doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.  Written in
large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week...'

[me]

The doctor said,   "Joe,  the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital,  he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street,  he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ...  a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,  "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed,  "That's right,  how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"  the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit;  it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror,  the salesman asked,  "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said,  "Let's see,  34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised,  "That's right,  how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt,  and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said,  "Let's see ... size 36."

Joe laughed,  "Ah ha!  I got you,  I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head,  "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache"

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[Dexter Morgan]

LMAO!!!! 

[Sandy Eggo]

Bummer! Poor Joe