Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

[Sunny]

THAT is great, me!

[smokeykat]

[me]

    I love it...

[~vxn~]

 

[Natas]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.  "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,   

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. 
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.   

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

  ----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.   

"  What do you think?" I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

[Palehorse]

A  manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in  and ask them only one
question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the  conference roomtable, the
interviewer asked, "What is the  fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There is no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked
the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A BLINK! It comes and goes and you
don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular
cliche' for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating
his
reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the
light
on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is
the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already filled my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

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[Palehorse]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that  exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I switched the heads"

[pariann]

LOL, that one made me gasp when I read the final line.  How rude!!! LOL

[Natas]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Natas]

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't.- The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[me]

National Poetry Contest

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

[me]

A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? "    Mom replies,  " No, because she is in heat."   "What's that mean?" asked the child." Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad thought for a bit, decided against the full explanation and said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said  " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? "

The little girl said, " Don't worry Dad. She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home"

[me]

[Mom]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he
could say "Fuck!," the rottweiler ate him!"