Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Subject: smart man

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
Most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

[me]

In line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart "

[me]

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was
"Best
Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way

home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone
interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with

a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
Looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already!

[me]

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX:
       
          
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:           
With her consent   12 Calories       
Without her consent   2,187 Calories       
           
OPENING HER BRA:           
With both hands   8 Calories       
With one hand   12 Calories       
With your teeth   485 Calories       
           
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:           
With an erection   6 Calories       
Without an erection   3,315 Calories       
           
POSITIONS:           
Missionary   12 Calories       
69 lying down   78 Calories       
69 standing up   812 Calories       
Wheelbarrow   216 Calories       
Doggy Style   326 Calories       
Italian chandelier   2,912 Calories       
           
ORGASMS:           
Real   112 Calories       
Fake   1,315 Calories       
           
POST ORGASM:           
Lying in bed hugging   18 Calories       
Getting up immediately   36 Calories       
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately   816 Calories        
           
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:           
If you are:           
20-29 years   36 Calories       
30-39 years   80 Calories       
40-49 years   124 Calories       
50-59 years   1,972 Calories       
60-69 years   7,916 Calories       
70 and over   Results are still pending       
           
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:           
Calmly..   32 Calories       
In a hurry   98 Calories       
With her father knocking at the door   5,218 Calories       
With your wife knocking at the door   13,521 Calories       
          
Results may vary!         

[me]

Why African women run so fast.   

[me]

Little Ole Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill
flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if
I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay!

[me]

Worlds tightest pair of jeans.........

[me]

 

[me]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" 



Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =  MIDNIGHT!)



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. Sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[me]

 

[me]

Texas Sex...
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy."What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
"Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds."

[me]

 

[me]

    The Maid Asks For A Raise...


         
        The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
        Maria, why do you want an increase?'
         
        Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I
        want an increase. The first is that I iron better
        than you.'
         
        Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
         
        Maria: 'The Master said so.'
         
        Madam: 'Oh.'
         
        Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better
        cook than you.'
         
        Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook
        than I?'
         
        Maria: 'The Master did.'
         
        Madam: 'Oh.'
         
        Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
        than you.'
         
        Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as
        well?'
         
        Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'
         
        SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE!

[me]

Farm Girl Birth Control"

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

[me]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the
other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened
and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled
out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him." "OK," he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird
Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have
you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled
out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said,
"On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy
Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his
You-Know-What in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"