Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

 Grandmas Don't Know Everything


    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.  He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
     

    She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.  "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

     

    Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.  It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

 
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's
yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old
ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party
yesterday!"

[me]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a
confession
to make, I'm not a virgin.'



The husband replies,
'That's no big thing in this day and age.'



The wife continues,
'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'



'Oh yeah?  Who was the
guy?'



'Tiger Woods.'



'Tiger Woods, the
golfer?'



'Yeah.'



'Well, he's rich, famous and
handsome.  I can see why you went to bed with
him.'  The husband
and wife then make passionate love.



When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.  'What
are you doing?' asks
the wife.



The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get
something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do
that.'



'Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?'



'He'd
come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the
phone
and goes back to bed to make love a second time.  When they finish,
he
gets up and goes over to the phone.



'Now what are you
doing?' She asks.  The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so
I was going to
get room service to get something to eat.'



'Tiger wouldn't do
that.'



'Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?'



'He'd
come back to bed and do it again.'



The guy slams down the phone,
goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.  When they finish he's
tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to
dial.



The wife asks, 'Are you calling room
service?'



'No!  I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's
PAR for this damn
hole!'

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife said, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand...

...and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember: fairies are female.

[Dexter Morgan]

  Too funny!!!! LMAO!!!!!  Boy, he asked for hat one didn't he? 

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof.... the light goes on.  When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof.... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof....the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

[me]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better."

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregn ant wi th my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Dexter Morgan]

LMAO!!! 

[me]

THE Parrot
       
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
Spotted a large, beautiful  parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution
And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
She had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
In her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
The bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit  offended
But then began to laugh about the situation
Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

[me]

WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET, READ ON.


   A Frickin' Elephant

Jake is 5 and learning to read.  He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says,
"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!  It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ...

" A f r i c a n  Elephant "


Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

[me]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their
feminine products. She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body
amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers monthly visits
from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise
I will keep. Always....

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[Bo D]

 

'Scuse me while I clean up the coffee I snorted out my nose. 

[me]

'Scuse me while I clean up the coffee I snorted out my nose. 

[me]

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug
Co. have combined to market the new Mint
flavored birth control pill that women may
take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large
major drug store chains and Wal Mart
Pharmacies.

They're going to be called :







'Pre-dick-a-mints!'

[me]

Irish Birth Control



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband do ing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'