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Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

Started by Natas, May 17, 2007, 10:11:55 AM

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Palehorse

#330
August 29, 2011, 11:25:39 PM
Kids identify flavors by their color: Red=Cherry, Yellow= Lemon, Green=Lime, Orange, =Oranges & so on..The teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a hint. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One girl looked up in horror, spits her lifesaver out & yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!!

:eek: :eek: :eek:

:biggrin:
R.I.P. - followsthewolf - You are MISSED! 4/17/2013

That which fails to kill me. . .should run!

Any "point" made by one that lacks credibility, is only as useful as toilet paper; and serves the same purpose. ~ Palehorse 4/22/2017

May you find charity when it is needed, and the ability to extend it when it is not. ~Palehorse 7/4/2012

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.~Herman Melville

Sandy Eggo

#331
August 30, 2011, 12:08:51 PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish has been caught. Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten. - -Cree Indian Prophecy

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambitition" -- anonymous

Palehorse

#332
August 30, 2011, 12:13:35 PM
Quote from: Sandy Eggo on August 30, 2011, 12:08:51 PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :icon_twisted:
R.I.P. - followsthewolf - You are MISSED! 4/17/2013

That which fails to kill me. . .should run!

Any "point" made by one that lacks credibility, is only as useful as toilet paper; and serves the same purpose. ~ Palehorse 4/22/2017

May you find charity when it is needed, and the ability to extend it when it is not. ~Palehorse 7/4/2012

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.~Herman Melville

Anne

#333
August 30, 2011, 10:48:15 PM
Quote from: Sandy Eggo on August 30, 2011, 12:08:51 PM
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Good one, Sandy.  :) :) :)
"A discontented man will find no easy chair." Ben Franklin

Palehorse

#334
September 01, 2011, 01:20:35 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.*
R.I.P. - followsthewolf - You are MISSED! 4/17/2013

That which fails to kill me. . .should run!

Any "point" made by one that lacks credibility, is only as useful as toilet paper; and serves the same purpose. ~ Palehorse 4/22/2017

May you find charity when it is needed, and the ability to extend it when it is not. ~Palehorse 7/4/2012

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.~Herman Melville

Henry Hawk

#335
September 01, 2011, 07:39:32 AM
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a
game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away
from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.

These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back
into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of Bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do
this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.You can say what you want about
the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 - It all makes sense to me now...


"The future ain't what it used to be."– Yogi Berra

"Square roots are rarely found on any plant." FTW

The Troll

#336
September 06, 2011, 10:49:10 PM

  I'll be damn Henery, you admit you are a red neck hillbilly Teabagger.   :biggrin:

Palehorse

#337
October 16, 2011, 11:29:39 AM
Football and the Blonde
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
R.I.P. - followsthewolf - You are MISSED! 4/17/2013

That which fails to kill me. . .should run!

Any "point" made by one that lacks credibility, is only as useful as toilet paper; and serves the same purpose. ~ Palehorse 4/22/2017

May you find charity when it is needed, and the ability to extend it when it is not. ~Palehorse 7/4/2012

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.~Herman Melville

Mr442

#338
October 31, 2011, 08:50:54 PM
Good News

SOURCE: INDIANAPOLIS INDIANA (AP)

The courtroom was quiet as twelve year old Jonas Washington sat on the witness stand in his own custody hearing. Normally a child is not allowed to testify, but Judge Henry Talbot decided the unusual circumstances warranted the exception. World News has obtained the actual transcripts of the hearing, and has decided to publish these transcripts of a most unusual case.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPTS (COURT, JUVENILE, MARION COUNTY, CAUSE # MCJC 6061311 10-11-2011)

JUDGE: YOUNG MAN, WE HAVE INVESTIGATED THE REPORTS OF YOU BEING BEATEN SEVERAL TIMES BY YOUR PARENTS, AND HAVE FOUND YOUR ACCUSATIONS TO BE FACTUAL. I MUST CONSIDER WHERE I MUST PLACE YOU TO LIVE, AS I FEEL, FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, YOU CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS?


JUVENILE: OH PLEASE NO! MY GRANDPARENTS BEAT ME WORSE THAN MY PARENTS! I CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM!


JUDGE: WELL, THAT CERTAINLY CONFUSES THINGS. HOW ABOUT YOUR AUNT?


JUVENILE: I CAN'T GO THERE EITHER! MY AUNT BEATS ME SO BAD I CAN'T WALK THE NEXT DAY. SHE BEATS ME WORSE THAN THE REST OF MY FAMILY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After careful study, Judge Talbot came up with what appears to be the best solution for young Jonas by placing him in the custody of the Indianapolis Colts, since, as Judge Talbot stated "They can't beat anyone".
Mr442

The Troll

#339
November 01, 2011, 04:37:07 PM

   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:     So true, so true.  :bliss:  :bliss:    :laugh:       :laugh:         :yes:

dan foster

#340
November 02, 2011, 10:38:06 PM
Quote from: Henry Hawk on September 01, 2011, 07:39:32 AM
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a
game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away
from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.

These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back
into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of Bull....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do
this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.You can say what you want about
the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

If we could just get you f'ker's out of the left lane........ :icon_evil:
"Wherever morality is based on theology, wherever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established." -- Ludwig Feuerbach, The Essence of Christianity, 1841

"A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world" Louis Pasteur

"It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so." -- Sir Arthur C. Clarke

The Troll

#341
November 03, 2011, 07:52:25 PM


  Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly.  "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

  "I don't believe you" says Dolly.

  "It's true; No Bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Sandy Eggo

#342
November 03, 2011, 08:16:33 PM
Haha! :biggrin: :thumbsup:
Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish has been caught. Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten. - -Cree Indian Prophecy

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambitition" -- anonymous

Sandy Eggo

#343
November 03, 2011, 08:16:59 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..
Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish has been caught. Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten. - -Cree Indian Prophecy

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambitition" -- anonymous

The Troll

#344
November 03, 2011, 11:28:38 PM


   :bliss:  :thumbsup:
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