Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

A male patient is lying in bed


in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Palehorse]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy..'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

[The Troll]

  One fine day a young couple walk into a doctor's office.  They told the doctor, that they were going to be married.  They wanted the doctor to tell them the several ways of birth control, because they wanted some finer things in life before they had any children.

  The doctor told them that he was a homeopathic doctor and didn't believe to drugs as a form of birth control.  He said, that there was douche system, the condom method and rhythm system method. He explained to them the systems very carefully and the couple left the office.  

    Three years later as he was walking down the street, he runs into them.  They have with them.  Two little girls and triplets boys.      

   He said, I thought that you wanted some finer things in life before you had children.  The young woman blew her top.  Doc, I want you to meet the kids.

  Meet Blowout, Washout and the Three Rhythm Boys.

The Troll

[Henry Hawk]

Guy goes into a bar,there's a robot bartender.
                         
The robot says,"What will you have?"The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, Space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves,but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "115."   
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
So he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says,"What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini,"

and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
           

[Moonglow]

I don't think our last presidents I.Q. was even as high as 60

[me]

 This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

It pays to  be able to laugh about it when you are!               

   

  PAPER

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"  The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam",  said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on  SUNDAY".

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to  mutter,  "Well, shit, that's why  no one was at church today."



                 

                 

                 

[me]

The Perfect Boyfriend

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

[The Troll]

 

    "Me"  I found you are good at one thing, telling jokes.  There some of the best ones I heard in a good while.  I usually don't laugh out loud, but I sure did on these.  I'll remember them.


                                   

[me]

                             Dinner party for 8 $250 ...

         

                             Wine for guests $80...

         

                             Your parents are there,

         

                             Your in-laws are there,

         

                             Your boss and his

                             wife are there,

         

                             The minister and

         

                             his wife are there,

         

                             You're all

         

                             settling down for

         

                             a nice relaxing

         

                             evening dinner ,

         

                             Then In Walks

         

                             The Dog.....

         

                             PRICELESS!

         

         

[me]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
' Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show! '
and out she goes.

The next day the teen ager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
' Loosen up, Sweetie..
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

[Exterminator]

The robot then says, What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

That's not a joke; it's more political douche-baggery and certainly not supported by demographics.

[me]

OPENING LINE



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me.  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding.  I'm a lawyer too.  What firm are you with?

[The Troll]

  Two lawyer standing of a street corner waiting for the light to change.  When  one hell of a  beautiful blond woman walked by.
   
  One of the lawyers elbows the other one and says, will you take a look at that, how would you like to screw that.

  The lawyer said after looking at her, up and down.  Screw you out of what?


  What the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead snake laying beside a highway.

  Skid marks in front of the snake.

[Palehorse]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

    Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

    Customer says , 'Female.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

    Customer says , 'White.'

    Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

    Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

    Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[dan foster]

  Two lawyer standing of a street corner waiting for the light to change.  When  one hell of a  beautiful blond woman walked by.
   
  One of the lawyers elbows the other one and says, will you take a look at that, how would you like to screw that.

  The lawyer said after looking at her, up and down.  Screw you out of what?


  What the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead snake laying beside a highway.

  Skid marks in front of the snake.

I forget who posted this one, first.  It has been a while and worth repeating based on Troll's first one above.  I believe honors goes to either Locutus or Palehorse, but don't recall, and don't feel like looking it up...

Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench talking
An 8yr old boy comes over to the swings near them and starts swinging
Priest leans over and whispers to the Rabbi: "how would you like to fuck him?"
Rabbi looks a bit shocked, then puzzled and responds: "out of what?"