Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

> >  Republican Blonde Phone Call

> > "Hi Mom, How are you?"
> >
> > "Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"
> >
> > "Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
> >
> > "What happened?"
> >
> > "Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
> >
> > "What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
> >
> > "Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

[Palehorse]

FIVE SHORT STORIES BY MEN!



ONE:

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.



I said, "Morning."



He said, "No, just taking a shit."





TWO:

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.





THREE:

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child.



She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!"



I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."





FOUR:

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.



I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."





FIVE:

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.



I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

[Palehorse]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
And two small children.


Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with
A huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a  Colt Model
1911  45 cal.  Automatic pistol , and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

.......................................................................

THINK
CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Republican Answer :

Well,
that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the
Gun like a club
And knock the knife out of
His hand?
What does the law say about
This situation?
Does the pistol have
Appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I
Carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
Content just to wound me?
If I were to grab
His knees and hold
On, could my family get
Away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weeded and
Make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.. This is
All so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a
Few days and try to come to a consensus.


.................................................................................



Democrat's Answer:

BANG!



.............................................................................

Redneck's Answer:

BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG !
Click...... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter:
'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son:
'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife:
'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'

[Henry Hawk]

uh, I think you screwed that one up my friend....

[Palehorse]

http://media.mtvnservices.com/video/player.swf?uri=mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319&group=music&type=error&ref=None&geo=US

[me]

 

[Exterminator]

In light of Obama's upcoming visit with the Dalai Lama, a review of lamas is in order: a one 'L' lama is a Tibetan holy man, a two 'L' lama is an Andean pack animal and a three 'L' lama is a big ass fire!

[Palehorse]

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam), when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

[Henry Hawk]

 

[Henry Hawk]

FREE KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing "Free Kittens."

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?"
he asked.

"Kittens." little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "Free Kittens" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans and Independents."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Democrats."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

[followsthewolf]

In light of Obama's upcoming visit with the Dalai Lama, a review of lamas is in order: a one 'L' lama is a Tibetan holy man, a two 'L' lama is an Andean pack animal and a three 'L' lama is a big ass fire!

A really funny groaner!!

[me]

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam), when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

[Palehorse]

>Paddy  is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor
>>          how he could tell if his  bride-to-be is still a virgin.
>>
>>His doctor  says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for
>>          what we call a  Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small
>>          can  of red paint, a small can of blue paint  and a
>>          shovel."
>>Paddy  asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these
>>          things,  doctor?"
>>The  doctor replies, "Before ye climb
>>          into bed on your wedding  night, you paint one of your testicles red
>>          and  the other testicle blue.   
>>If  she says, "That's the strangest pair of testicles I ever did
>>          see...", you  hit her with  the shovel.'

[Palehorse]

(Anyone else see a theme developing here?)  St Patrick's Day approaches!  (Sorry, closest thin I could find to green in the smiley selections)

Irish Hooker


An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty Quid" she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before but decides -- what the hell it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh I'm so sorry' says the cop' I didn't know.'

'Well needer did I' says Paddy 'til ya shined dat light in her face!!!"

[Palehorse]

Okay enough picking on the Irish. . .


The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...



"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.."