Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

 

[smokeykat]

that joke about the Rott and the cat is soooooo funny.   My daughter has a rott and he doesn't like it when the cats get near his food bowl.  He has actually killed another dog when it got to his food....not sure about a cat though.

[Mr442]

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So, I said, "Well, then, which one are you. . .?"

[Palehorse]

 

[pariann]

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......
I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So, I said, "Well, then, which one are you. . .?"

Uhm, do you know Aaron? 

Reminder of who he is:


He left that same exact joke on my yahoo night before last, and I had to read it 3 times before I got it. LOL!!

[me]

Signs

  Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.  "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

[baseball mama]

   tee hee, tee hee

[me]

    The 11 th Husband


    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

    "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

    "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    " Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

    "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    " Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector ; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

    " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

    "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

    "You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
    This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
    SCREWED."

[me]

NEW COMPUTER CHIP BY APPLE

>Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a
>computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
>music in women's breast implants.? The iTit will cost
>$499 or $599 depending on speaker size.? This is
>considered to be a major breakthrough because women
>have always complained about men staring at their
>breasts and not listening to them.

[me]

Blonde Cowboy

        The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street
        and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk
        with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,
        so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
         
        As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world
        are you dressed like this"?
         
        The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff...
        I was in the bar down the road and this pretty
        little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
        with her. So I did.

        We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
        to pull off my shirt. So I did.

        Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off
        my pants. So I did.

        Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull
         off my shorts. So I did.

        Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
        sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy.
        And so here I am.

        Son of a Gun, blonde men do exist.

[me]

Teen age sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status,  she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop  the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her  daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box  of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her  about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:  "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars  in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes
Brenda and John took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they  explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were  concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. that  should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a  large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[me]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."   

[me]

Italian Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On the wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was a very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Don's a good man. Go upstairs and
He'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, uppa the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Don took off his shirt and exposed
His hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Don's
Got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry,  Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."  So, uppa the stairs she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Don took off his jeans exposing his hairy legs. Again,
Maria ran downstairs to her mother.  "Mama, Mama,  Don took off his pants and he's got
Hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Don's a good man. Go upstairs and
He'll take good care of you." So, uppa she went again.

When she got there, Don took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Don's got a  foot and a half!"

Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

[me]

  Thought for the day 
Handle every situation like a dog ....   

If you can't Eat it or Screw it  ,       

Piss on it and Walk Away.

[Sandy Eggo]

I don't know if this is a "bad" joke or so true that it's laughable...anyway.....


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President...
.
#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.. ..

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People....

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class....

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future....

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense...."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said....

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper....

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father
in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed....

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now...."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about...."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit....."