Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[damfast]

hahahahaha. these are awful.  i am impressed

[The Troll]

  Buddy Hacket joke.

  A man walks in to the doctors and asks him what is this thing growing out of my forehead.

  The doctor takes a look and says,  It is a penis.

  The man says, cut it off!!!

  The doctor says, I can't it's part of your brain.

  The man says, you mean that I have to get up every morning and see it in the mirror.

  The doctor says, that will be alright in a few days.  It's balls will hang down over your eyes and you won't see it.   

[me]

 

THE GOLFING NUN........

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with

your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'



'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'



'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his

paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the f____g putt, didn't you?'

[Exterminator]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench watching children play when the priest motions toward a little boy and asks the rabbi, "would you like to fuck him?"

The rabbi thinks about it for a moment before looking at the priest and asking, "out of what?"

[Palehorse]

A Catholic nun  was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim Man wearing a turban,
who was eating some fresh shrimp.

    Every-time he ate one he spat the tail at her and she had to throw it out
the window.
    Eventually she got pissed off and pulled the Emergency
Cord.

    The Turban wearing Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for
doing that you stupid Catholic slut.

    She laughed back and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."

[Henry Hawk]

 

[me]

[me]

*A NEW PHRASE IS CREATED to express the 2012 Presidential Race*

       *I knew someone would find a name for our election process this year.*

         *ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:



**the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year.*

[Palehorse]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....That's just great..........Some asshole's got my pen

[Palehorse]

 A blind man, traveling with some RVing friends decides to take a walk from the campground they are staying at and walks into an all girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.After sitting there for a while, he yells out ,"Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar falls absolutely silent. In a deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair--given that you are blind--that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blond girl. 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter.5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[me]

APARTMENT for RENT




A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend



the night with her for $500.  They did their thing,



and, before he left, he told her that he did



not have any cash with him, but he would have his



secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling



the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'





On the way to the office, he regretted what he had



done, realizing that the whole event had not beenworth the price.



So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:





'Dear Madam:



Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your



apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,



because when I rented the place, I was under the



impression that:



#1 - it had never been occupied;



#2 - there was plenty of heat; and



#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.



However, I found out that:



#1 - it had been previously occupied,



#2 - there wasn't any heat, and



#3 - it was entirely too large.'



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately



returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:





'Dear Sir:



#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a



beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.



#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you



knew how to turn it on.



#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of



regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture



to fill it, please do not blame the management.



So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced



to contact your present landlady...

[The Troll]

  That must have been the young girl Rush Limbaugh was talking about on his radio show.   

[Exterminator]

[Exterminator]

[Bo D]

That just ain't right. I mean, really?

Just who in the band is "more important" than the bass player? You can throw out the singer, most of 'em can't sing worth a $shit anyway, but everybody else is equally important.