Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[The Troll]

   Two Republican Tea Party Congressman standing on a corner in Washington DC talking what this beautiful, tall, blue eyes blond walk by.  One of the Congressman said, "How would you like to screw that?"

  The other Tea Party Congressman said, "Screw her out of what?"

[me]

 


Sometime this year,  we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic  Stimulus' payment.

  This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by   using a Q & A format:

  Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

  A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

  Q.  Where will the government get this money ?

  A.  From taxpayers.

  Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

  A.  Only a smidgen of it.

  Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

  A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a  high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

  Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

  A.  Shut up.

  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by  spending your stimulus check wisely:             

      *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

      *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the  Arabs.

      *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or  China .     

      *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico,  Honduras and Guatemala ..   

      *  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .   

      *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan . 

      *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go  to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

  Instead,  keep the money in America by:

  1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or   

  2)  Going to ball games,  or

  3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or   

  4)  Beer or   

  5) Tattoos.

  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

  Conclusion:

  Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard  sale and drink beer all day !

  No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

[The Troll]

  If you are driving down the road and you see a dead snake and a dead person that had been carrying a vote for Mitt sign.  You stop to see what happened, what will discover at the scene of the accident.   

  The first thing you will see is, that there is skid marks before the snake. 

[me]

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.




When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57  goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[me]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,

say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Anne]

A little boy bought his Grandma coffee in bed one morning. After drinking the worst cup of coffee she ever tasted she found three toy solders in the bottom of the cut. "Billy", she said, "why are there toy soldiers in my cup?" Billy said, "You know, Grandma, like the commercial. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

[The Troll]

  A man walks into a Best Buy store and walks up the the Geek counter.  He says, I under stand you have fixed my computer.  The tall skinny kid with horn rimed glasses said, yes sir.  The kid got it out and set it on the counter and said, give it a try.

  The owner of the computer turned it on and said, WOW!  You even fixed the picture on it and my oh my how fast it is now.  The owner asked, how much did it cost to fix?  The kid said $475.  Damn said the owner, I only paid $800 for it, why so much?

  The Geek smiled and said, that's an easy question sir.  It was made in China and fixed in America.     

[me]

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!


The Navy
      found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement
      bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of
      $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points
      in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
      be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from
      the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
      and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who
      accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his
      outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The
      third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
      asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From
      the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the
      pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice
      big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the
      old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
      measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived
      and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer
      placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work
      back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your
      testicles?''


The old
      Chief calmly replied,

''
       Vietnam ''.

[The Troll]

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!


The Navy
      found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement
      bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of
      $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points
      in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
      be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from
      the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet
      and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who
      accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his
      outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The
      third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
      asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From
      the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the
      pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice
      big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the
      old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
      measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived
      and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer
      placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work
      back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your
      testicles?''


The old
      Chief calmly replied,

''
       Vietnam ''.

       It  proves you don't screw with old people.   

[me]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.



The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."


She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

[Palehorse]

So it's the morning of the American Presidential Election, November 6th, 2012...the polls have just opened on the East Coast and the voting has just started...Mitt Romney turns to his wife Ann and says "Well honey, tonight you'll be sleeping with the President of the United States..."
About midnight that same night, Ann turns to Mitt and says
"So how does this work...does he come over here...?"

[Palehorse]

While not necessarily bad. . . I believe this little "diary" will be quite descriptive of some Hoosiers experiences by the time spring arrives. . . 


Winter Diary
August 12: Moved to our new home in Connecticut. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

October 14: Connecticut is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

November 11: Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

December 2: It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snow-plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Connecticut.

December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

December 19: More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow-plow.

December 22: More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!

December 25: Merry Fucking Christmas. More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

December 27: More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28: The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head.

January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3: Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10: Moved to Arizona. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that god-forsaken state of Connecticut.

[Palehorse]

Then there is this variant:


Winter Tale
December 8: It started to snow. The fist of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down over the area. It was beautiful.

December 9: We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street. I shoveled again and enjoyed.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is over.

December 14: It snowed 8 inches last night and the thermometer dropped to 5 degrees below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalk again and the snowplow came by and did its thing again.

December 15: Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. I also had to go out and buy snow tires for my wife's car.

December 16: Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.

December 17: Still cold (below zero in the a.m.) and icy roads make for very tough driving.

December 20: Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice.

December 22: We are assured for a white Christmas because another foot of the white sheet fell today and with this freezing weather it won't melt until August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc) and then I had to piss.

December 24: If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over what used to be my clean driveway.

December 25: Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more inches of the fucking white snow tonight. To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel the white shit. The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my snow shovel.

December 26: We got the 20 inches they predicted and then some. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of cabin fever because my wife is starting to look good to me again.

December 27: The toilet froze. If you go outside, don't eat the yellow snow.

December 28: I set fire to the house. Now that white shit won't cling to the roof. We are taking the insurance money and moving to Florida.

[Anne]

I'm beginning to feel like that already.

[me]

 
A lawyer boarded a West Jet plane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew 's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying   frozen,   mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York ..... , she used the intercom, to announce to the entire cabin, ............... "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up,......................... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!