Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Four Moms in therapy



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.

     "You all have obsessions," he observed.

     To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

     He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

     He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

     At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.

[dan foster]

Another old one;

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.  Mickey's attorney is drilling Minnie on the stand.  The attorney asks Minnie "do you have any idea where you are?", "do you have any idea how long you have been ill?", "why did you not seek help for your problem?", "do you know how miserable your husband is watching you go insane?", all without letting Minnie answer and she begins to sob.  The judge tells the attorney "that is enough".

The attorney goes back to Mickey's table and Mickey asks in a confused, but angry voice, "what are you doing?!"  The attorney replied, "I am just following your lead that MS Mouse is crazy as a motive for your wanting the divorce".  Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy.  I said she was fucking Goofy!".

[Palehorse]

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.




Colonoscopy Journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
   
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through    Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
   
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of   America  's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
   
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage..  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.   
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere..  I was seriously nervous at this point.
   
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
   
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in    Arkansas   , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

           And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Palehorse]

Three men - a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a White Trash Biker

are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total - one each', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'For my wish I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

[me]

 

Afternoon Quickie..................

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:


'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.


'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'



'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!  Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

[Henry Hawk]

The economy is so bad that:


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.



My ATM gave me an IOU!



A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.



I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.



I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.



If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
and ask if they meant you or them.



McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.



Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.



Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.



My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!



A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .



Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.



A picture is now only worth 200 words.



They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."



When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.



The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.



Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh
Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!



And, finally...



I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

[LOsborne]

One more...

I met my fairy godmother last weekend. She was a temp!

[me]

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,


"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" 



"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..


She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:


"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .


You could hear
a pin drop.


Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times...What we have is...








    "Blue Cross!"

[Sandy Eggo]

How WV Sees America

[Sandy Eggo]

I'm sorry that's so huge

[Palehorse]

LMFATO! 

[me]

 
Irish Nuns
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."  "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously.
"What part did you get"?

[Palehorse]

[Palehorse]

Two good ole boys are in a bar throwing back a few brews.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a  day?"
"Aw crap..," says his  friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!"

[Henry Hawk]

    booo!!...