Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Anne]

MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

[Sandy Eggo]

MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

[me]

MY LIVING WILL

A while ago my kids stopped by and I told them 'I don't want to live in a vegetative state hooked up to machines and on fluids from bottles'.

They said ok stood up, unhooked my computer and emptied the wine bottle.

They are SO on my shit list.....

That's strange, the same thing happened to me.   

[Palehorse]

 Former President  Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to  sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and  asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the  end of the bar?'


The bartender   says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over  and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are  you doing in here?'

Bush says, '  I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says,  'Really? What's going to  happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm  going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde  with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed,  'A blonde with big boobs?

Why kill a  blonde with big  boobs?'

Bush  turns to the bartender and  says,

'See, I told you, no one  gives a crap about the 140 million  Muslims'. 

[Sandy Eggo]

A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie."

[The Troll]

A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies in the middle of it. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie."

  Finally some thing I agree with you on.  I think the teacher are under paid and Teabaggers and the Republicans want to cut their pay.  I sure hope they win in Wisconsin.  They have got to win for all of the American teachers. 

[me]

Standard Medical Pricing Procedure

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber, and began to update the family members.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. '

The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure,

very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN!'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed this news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 a pound for a Democrat's brains; and $200 a pound for a Republican's brains.'

The moment turned very awkward. Some of the family members who were Democrats actually had to 'try' not to smile,

avoiding eye contact with those who were Republicans. A woman unable to control her curiosity,

finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,



'My God... Why is the Democrat's brain so much more expensive than a Republican's brain?'

The doctor smiled with a childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'Do you know how many Democrats it takes to get a pound of Brains?'

[The Troll]

  You must be one of those rare and odd Republicans.  You don't have any brains.

[Palehorse]

 The Last Nickel                               

A father walks into a restaurant
With his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels
To play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
Going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has
Swallowed the nickels and starts
Slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels,
But keeps choking.  Looking at his
Son, the father is panicking,
Shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and
Serious looking woman in a blue
Business suit is sitting at the
Coffee bar reading a newspaper
And sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion,
She looks up, puts her coffee cup
Down, neatly folds the newspaper
And places it on the counter, gets
Up from her seat and makes
Her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
Drops his pants, takes hold of the
Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze
And twist, gently at first, and
Then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
Up the last nickel, which the
Woman deftly catches in her
Free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles,
The woman hands the nickel
To the father and walks back
To her seat at the coffee bar
Without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has
Suffered no ill effects, the father
Rushes over to the woman and starts
Thanking her saying, "I've never seen
Anybody do anything like that
Before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

          ***********************
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[Henry Hawk]

That is both funny as hell and scarey as hell....  

[The Troll]

That is both funny as hell and scarey as hell....

  This is wonderful, both Henry and I agree on something. 

[Henry Hawk]

  This is wonderful, both Henry and I agree on something. 

That TOO, is funny as hell AND SCAREY as hell.....

[The Troll]

That TOO, is funny as hell AND SCAREY as hell.....

       

[Palehorse]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St.  Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.' 

[me]

Old Sailor and the Working Girl

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots ?   he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and your knot getting your money back.