Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Exterminator]

'Do you know how many Democrats it takes to get a pound of Brains?'

This reminds me of the one that says that all fetuses have a penis in the early stages of development...but it falls off the dumb ones.   

[The Troll]

This reminds me of the one that says that all fetuses have a penis in the early stages of development...but it falls off the dumb ones.   

                                            

[Palehorse]

Driver's License
> >>
> >>
> >> A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's
> >> house for a play date.
> >>
> >> 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
> >>
> >> 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her
> >> age,'
> >> the mother replied.
> >> 'It's not polite.'
> >>
> >> 'OK', the little girl says,
> >> 'How much do you weigh?'
> >>
> >> 'Now really,' the mother says,
> >> 'those are personal questions and are really none
> >> of
> >> your business.'
> >>
> >> Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and
> >> Daddy get a divorce?'
> >>
> >> 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
> >>
> >> The exasperated mother walks away as the two
> >> friends
> >> begin to play.
> >>
> >> 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the
> >> little girl says to her friend.
> >>
> >> 'Well,' says the friend,
> >> 'all you need to do is look at her driver's
> >> license.
> >> It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
> >>
> >> Later that night the little girl says to her
> >> mother,
> >> 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
> >>
> >> The mother is surprised and asks,
> >> 'How did you find that out?
> >>
> >> 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
> >>
> >> The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
> >> 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
> >>
> >> 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
> >> 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
> >>
> >> 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 'Because you got an F in sex.'

[The Troll]

  Did you hear about the Texas midget.  He was all Texan.  Fancy boots and a ten gallon hat.  Quite the stud midget. 

  Well, he started to have testicle problems, they hurt like hell,  Oh my how they hurt.  So he went to the doctor.  He told the doctor, my balls are killing me.  The only relief I get is when I am sitting in my chair or in bed.  You got to give me some relief.

  Well, the doctor had him drop his pants and got down and looked.  The doctor said my god I have never seen anything like this.  The doctor reach over to his table and picked up a large set of shears.  The Texas midget couldn't look.  He first heard a snip, snip but it didn't hurt.  The doctor walked to the other side of the table he was laying and he heard snip, snip but it didn't hurt.

  The doctor said how does that feel.  The midget got up and said, my god there is no pain and I feel great, what did you do?

                                                                        Down









                                                                     Down









    I cut 3 inches off the top of your cowboy boots.   

[me]

        A Wish to Live Forever




I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live  forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed
to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said,  "then I want to die after
Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"


"You crafty bastard," said the  fairy.

[Anne]

 

[Palehorse]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!
What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a joint. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink...

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shittttt, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

[Nighthawk]

A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a bin Laden.

The bartender asks, "What's a bin Laden?"

The Seal replies, "Two shots and a splash of water."   

[The Troll]

A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a bin Laden.

The bartender asks, "What's a bin Laden?"

The Seal replies, "Two shots and a splash of water."   

  I really wish that all of the stuff you said was that good. 

[Palehorse]

Speeding in Florida

A Florida  senior citizen drove his brand new Mustang convertible out of the dealership.


Taking off down the road, he  pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what  little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75,  pushing the pedal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror,  he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren  blaring.   He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.  Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing?  I'm  too old for this!" and pulled  over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the  trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the  Mustang.  He looked at his watch, then  said, "Sir, my shift ends in  30 minutes.  Today is Friday.  If you can give me a new  reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let  you go."


The old gentleman paused then  said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off  with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her  back."


"Have a good day,  Sir," replied the  trooper.

[me]

.There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed  man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[me]

Sleepin with Bob








The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,

because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one

of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the

next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,

"Man, what happened to you?"



He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,

what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that

Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older

cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't

believe it..



They said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob

into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob

sat up and watched me all night."

[Anne]

Things I Learned In The South   (From my daughter who lived for awhile in SC)


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,999 of them live in the south.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All of them live in the south, plus a couple no one has seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite ya.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Uaw-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two. Folks in the south do like a little tea with their sugar.
Backards and forards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning, Did you eat?
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until it is done or it is too dark to see.
You don't push buttons, you mash them.
You measure distance in minutes.
You switch from heat to A/C multiple times in the same day.
All the festivals across the state is named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You what a DAWG is...
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your Own car.
You only own six spices: salt, pepper, Dale Sauce, Tabasco, Creole Seasoning and ketchup.... (I would add Rotel to this list.)
The local papers cover national and International news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.
Many think the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a tad warm.
You know what a hissy fit is.
Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as going Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World.
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.
Fried catfish is the other white meal.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed, if our momma says we can drive, we can drive.

[me]

eBay Scam Alert


Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in sunlight.

[Da Wham]

Some bad ones for Exterminator   

You don't need a parachute to skydive.....

You only need a parachute to skydive twice! 



If at first you don't succeed.....

Skydiving's not for you!