Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

> > Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
> > cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they
> > could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial
> > was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind
> > of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
> > fruits.
> >
> > The first one came back and said to the king, "I
> > brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial
> > to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt
> > without any expression on your face or you'll be
> > eaten."
> > The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
> > out in pain, so he was killed.
> > The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
> > When the king explained the trial to him he thought to
> > himself that this should be easy.
> > 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he
> > burst out in laughter and was killed.
> > The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
> > one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with
> > it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help
> > it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Dexter Morgan]

ROFLMMFAO!!!! 

[me]

ROFLMMFAO!!!! 

Creates a wild picture for the mind don't it?   

[Dexter Morgan]

Creates a wild picture for the mind don't it?   

 

[me]

Larry gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife
says,"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a  tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you  get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,
shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred
dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch  my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And,lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks

anytime you want!"


Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[me]

Quote for the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle

[me]

 

http://www.virtualdirtygirl.com/halloween/granny_halloween.swf

[me]

Just think -
if the Indians had given the Pilgrim
fathers a donkey instead of a turkey,
We all would be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving.

[Henry Hawk]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace,
but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side any way.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup;

she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere
moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......

Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[Palehorse]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher.

Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, came the boys reply.

YOU DID WHAT?! teacher excalimed.

You know, explained the boy. I leaned over and went "psssst" in its ear and it didn't move. 

[Sandy Eggo]

[Sandy Eggo]

Important women's health issue
 
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 
Do you suffer from shyness?
 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
 
or pharmacist about Margaritas.
 
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more
 
confident about yourself and your actions.
 
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you
 
tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
 
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
 
prevent you from living the life you want to live..
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
 
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
 
living, with Margaritas.
 
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.  Women who are
 
pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.  However, women who
 
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include:
 
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
 
Erotic lustfulness
 
Loss of motor control
 
Loss of clothing
 
Loss of money
 
Loss of virginity
 
Attraction to the same sex
 
Table dancing
 
Headache
 
Dehydration
 
Dry mouth
 
And a desire to sing Karaoke
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
 
whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
 
over and over again that you love them.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can
 
sing.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can
 
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 

[me]

Why does Miss Piggy douche with kool-aid & lemon juice?
Because Kermit loves to eat sweet & sour pork.

[me]

Parallel Lives

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks.

If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away..

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell

more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

[andersonbrent]

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, 'Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?'

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, 'By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?'

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, 'Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!'