Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

    Irish Art

    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife from America were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
     
    The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. 
     
    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.   
     
    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. 
     
    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,  'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'   
     
    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery,' asked the couple?   
     
    'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.  They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[me]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Bo D]

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

Smile for the day! For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[Locutus]

[Henry Hawk]

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

Smile for the day! For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

NOW THAT REALLY IS FUNNY!!!

[libby]

NOW THAT REALLY IS FUNNY!!!

[Palehorse]

MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE

Smile for the day! For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.

They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[me]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[me]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

[me]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy... "
"...And, here I am."

[me]

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!
Shoulda bought a hat

[me]

Repairing the Downspout
Today, a friend's wife said to him, "Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!"
Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"..
So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator.
One brought his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy!
Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!

Repairing the Downspout
Today, a friend's wife said to him, "Honey, get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!"
Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"..
So, he invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator.
One brought his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy!
Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!
Personally, I cannot wait for rain.

[Palehorse]

"DAAAAAD! The tin man is peeing in the yard again! 

[Bo D]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!

[pariann]

^^^^^^^^ I'm liking that moral up there. ^^^^^^^^