Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

FEMALE  COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed ?
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Palehorse]

  A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train.
                     




  Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper
berth and

she in the lower berth.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying...
'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied,  'Just for tonight......let's pretend that
we're married'

'Wow!..  That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied... 'Get your own damn blanket.'



After a moment of silence, ... he farted.

The End

[Palehorse]

MY YEARLY  EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
  "How much do you weigh?" she asked.
  "135," I replied.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked: "Your height?"
"5 feet, 6 inches," I answered.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 feet, 3 inches.
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it's very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.

[Sandy Eggo]

This one is kind of lengthy, but I got a smile from it.



Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?'



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.



'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'



'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'



'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'



I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.



'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she
inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)



'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).



'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.



'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.



'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're
about to witness the miracle of birth.'



'Oh, gross!!' they shrieked



'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.



'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.



'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.



'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.



'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.



'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)



'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.



We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe,
Ernie, breathe,' he urged.



'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for gosh sake.)



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.



'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.



'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?'



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.



'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.



'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.



We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just... just... excited,'
my wife offered.



'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.



More silence.



Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.



'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that... I'm picturing
you pulling on it's... its... teeny little...' She gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.



'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.



'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.



'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!



Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

[Palehorse]

 

"lizards lay eggs", or more appropriately reptiles. I was thinking that through the whole thing!   

[me]

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT &DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[followsthewolf]

Am wondering if there aren't vast numbers of people nowadays who think that a "huge erection" is a large voter turnout in an Asian country.

[dan foster]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Compare that to the $2B annual sales of NASCAR hats and jackets and you see where the populace lies in the right things to spend money on.  Of course, we spend more than that on annual sales of statins in the bogus war on cholesterol.  Pfizer knows exactly what it is doing.

[Palehorse]

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

Jokes are now in video form too! Bud Light anyone?

[me]

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

Jokes are now in video form too! Bud Light anyone?

That is a good one......

[Palehorse]

                                Einstein was born March 14, 1879.  He would be 129 if he were alive today.   Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.  At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.

                                He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

                                 This came to be known as...



                                Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

                                Oh, quit groaning!  I don't write this shit....

[Palehorse]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't  twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
'My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work'

[Palehorse]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.




'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
happen.'





'I should be in charge,' said the blood, 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'





'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,'Because I process food and give all of you energy.'




   'I should be in charge,' said thelegs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'




'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'




    'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly , the eyes got watery, and the blood! Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work,,,







The asshole   is usually in charge

[Palehorse]

Birth Control

An   Arkansas couple, both bonafied rednecks,
had 9 children. They went to the doctor
to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly  started the required
procedure and asked them what
made them make the decision.
Why after nine children would they finally do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent
article that one out of every ten children being
born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't
want to take a chance on having a Mexican
baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[Palehorse]

Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day.... 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES: 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.. 
Mother,  AKC German Shepherd. 
Father, Super Dog. able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. 
Looks like a rat. Been out a while. 
Better be a big reward. 

COWS: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.. 

NORDIC TRACK 
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby. 

GEORGIA PEACHES 
California grown - 89 cents/lb. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer $300. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 
Worn once by mistake.. Call Stephanie. 

And the best one?: 

FOR SALE BY OWNER: 
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything