Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[Palehorse]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on  the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10  bills.  He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in  it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money  in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you  get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new  Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,  "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first,"  says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over  a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the  jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to  do: 

First -  You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,  and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad  tooth.  You have to remove that tooth with your bare  hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never  had sex.  You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!  "I know I paid my $10  -- but I'm not an idiot!  I won't do it!  You'd have to be  nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other  things!"

"Your call," says the  bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the  man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn  tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with  both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears  stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in  58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit  bull chained to a pole.  Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud  growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then  nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he  staggers back into the bar.  His clothes are ripped to shreds and  he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.   He  drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad  tooth?"

[Palehorse]

Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home

[Palehorse]

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him,
resting on the seventh day.

  He inquired, "Where have you been?"

  God smiled deeply and delightedly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

  Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

  "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

  "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

  God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor.

  Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a
continent of black people. Balance in all things."

  God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

  The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

  "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and
producers of software."

  Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."

  God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I
put there."

[Palehorse]

  Viagra coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Palehorse]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
> >
> >           A little old
> lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
> > to be
> >
> >    confronted by a well-dressed young man
> carrying a vacuum cleaner.
> >    "Good morning," said the young
> man. "If I could take a couple of
> >    minutes of your time, I would like to
> demonstrate the very
> > latest
> >
> >    in  high-powered vacuum
> cleaners."
> >           "Go
> away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and
> haven't got any
> >    money!"  and she proceeded to
> close the door.
> >           Quick as a flash,
> the young man wedged his foot in the door
> > and
> >
> >    pushed  it wide open.
> "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
> >           "Not
>  until you have at least seen my demonstration."
> And with
> >    that, he  emptied a bucket of horse
> manure onto her hallway carpet.
> >
> >    "If this   vacuum cleaner does
> not remove all traces of this horse
> >    manure from  your carpet, Madam, I
> will personally eat the
> >    remainder." The old lady
>  stepped back and said, "Well let me get
> >
> >    you a fork, 'cause they cut  off
> my electricity this morning ."
> >

[Henry Hawk]

     

[Sandy Eggo]

Is sex work?
 
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
 
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
 
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
 
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
 
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
 
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
 
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
 
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
 
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
 
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
 
The room fell silent.
 
God Bless the enlisted man.

[The Troll]

One morning a man walk into a small local bar with his monkey.  He orders a beer and the lets the monkey loose.  The monkey jumps upon the bar and grabbing a boil egg in the shell, looks at and throws it into the air and swallows it whole, he then goes to the, in the shell peanuts and does the same thing.  He then jumps over to the pool table and grabs the cue ball looks at it and trowes the ball into the air and swallows it.

   The bartender said, hey buddy,  your monkey has just swallowed my cue ball, what in hell is wrong with him.  Well, the man said,  I really don't know.  But every thing he gets he swallows it whole.   Well who going to pay for the cue ball.  The  man payes for the ball and walks out.

  Two week later the same man walks walks into the bar, orders a beer and turns the monkey loose.  the monkey jumps up on the bar, walks up to he boiled eggs and put it up his ass and then swallows it.  He then walks up the peanuts in the shell, shoves it up his and eats it.  The bartender watching all of this says,  what the hell is you monkey doing.  Every thing he eats, he shoves it up his first and then swallows it.

   Well, the owner of the monkey said, ever since he passed  that cue ball, he measures everything  first.  The Troll 

[Palehorse]

If a pitbull and a shitsu mated would the pups be called BullShitsU?   

[The Troll]

   A man walks into a doctors office with a large toad on this head.  The doctor says, may I help you.  At this time the toad speaks up and says,  I want you to take the wart off my ass.  It must have been Henry.   

The Troll

[Sandy Eggo]

If a pitbull and a shitsu mated would the pups be called BullShitsU?   

[The Troll]

 

[The Troll]

  A man walks in to a dog friendly bar with his huge pitbull and sit down next to an old man with a ugly, old white dog.  Now let's face it, this was one ugly, old dog.

  The guy with the pitbull orders a beer and looks down the the old man's dog. He laugh and laugh as says that is the most ugly dog that I have ever see.  The old man say, what ever.

   The pitbull owner just goes on and and on about the old guys ugly dog and says, why don't you, just get a gun and put that damn old dog out of it's misery.  The old guy says, what ever.

  Pitbull guy says, I just don't like you attitude, for a quarter, I'd turn my pitbull on that old ratty dog.   The old man threw him a quarter and the turned his pitbull loose.

  Well, hell broke out, the hair, the blood and piss started flying and in about 30 seconds the pitbull was laying dead in a bloody, hairy pile on the floor.

  Pitbull guy jumps up and screams, what in hell of kind of a dog is that,  I fight pitbulls and that was the most vicious attack that I've see.

  The old man said,  well he was a 150 pound alligator, until I bobbed his tail and painted him white.

  Moral of the story, don't mess around with an old man and his dog.

The Troll 

[Palehorse]

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 


 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :   



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?   


 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 


 
  One student, however, wrote the following:   
  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 


   Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


 
This gives two possibilities:   


   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   
   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 
So which is it?   
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.