Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

TOOL GUIDE

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to ay,
'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitchTOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[followsthewolf]

Perfect.

Did you have a camera in my shop?

[dan foster]

Perfect.

Did you have a camera in my shop?

I literally had tears with laughter.  Thanks PH.

[Palehorse]

 

Glad you guys liked that one. It had me giggling out loud as well!   

The sad part is the damned thing is true! 

[Palehorse]

10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.


3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.


4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.


5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.


6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.


7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.


9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.


10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other

Sincerely,


Tiger Woods,

[Palehorse]

   UNIVERSAL LAWS




1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Palehorse]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

[Palehorse]

MY TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO in Castelton  buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the checkout line when woman

behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was

starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50

pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply

eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to

mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with

my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog

food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish

Setter's behind and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was

laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore... Better watch

what you ask retired people . They have all the time in the world to

think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.... it will be their laugh
 
for the day.

[Palehorse]

A guy walked into the local Welfare Office to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know,  I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a  chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will  supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be  provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job  assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's  and has a rather strong sex drive.  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and  the salary is $200,000 a year."   

                 The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" 

                 The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it.." 

[Palehorse]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

[Henry Hawk]

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked..
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'








The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Palehorse]

Three
> > cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the
> > lonesome
> > sagebrush
> > prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous;
> >
> > it was a night
> > of bravado, a night of tall tales..
> >
> > Tom, the
> > hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the
> > strongest, meanest,
> > toughest
> >  cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got
> > loose in the corral. It
> > had gored six men before I wrestled it to the
> > ground by the horns with my
> > bare hands and castrated that sucker with
> > my teeth.'
> >
> > Ben, from Colorado , couldn't stand to be bested..
> > That's nothing, 'I was
> > walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot
> > diamondback rattler slid out
> > from under a rock and made a move for
> > me. I grabbed that bastard with my
> > bare hands, bit off its head, and
> > sucked the poison down in one gulp and
> > didn't even get a gut
> > ache.'
> >
> >
> > Old
> > Dingus
> > Jimbo, the cowboy from West
> > Texas , remained silent,
> > slowly stirring
> > the
> > campfire coals with his pecker.

[Bo D]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes totally quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs about 225 lbs. and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lbs. and he's a wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind guy says: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Palehorse]

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week, plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher!

[Palehorse]

Bottle of Merlot
>
> A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
> So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
>
> She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
>
> The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
> The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
>
>
> After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
>
> It read:
> 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
>  Just send the wine back....
> Tiger
>