Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[dan foster]

Important women's health issue
 
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 
Do you suffer from shyness?
 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
 
or pharmacist about Margaritas.
 
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more
 
confident about yourself and your actions.
 
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you
 
tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
 
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
 
prevent you from living the life you want to live..
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
 
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
 
living, with Margaritas.
 
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.  Women who are
 
pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.  However, women who
 
wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include:
 
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
 
Erotic lustfulness
 
Loss of motor control
 
Loss of clothing
 
Loss of money
 
Loss of virginity
 
Attraction to the same sex
 
Table dancing
 
Headache
 
Dehydration
 
Dry mouth
 
And a desire to sing Karaoke
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
 
whispering when you are not.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
 
over and over again that you love them.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can
 
sing.
 
WARNING:
 
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can
 
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

http://www.marias-santafe.com/secure.html

[Palehorse]

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

[pariann]

http://www.youtube.com/v/sO_KILnJdHw&hl=en&fs=1&

[andersonbrent]

Golfing with the Wives

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.



'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?' Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go buy yourself some underwear.'



Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed  Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'



Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Bloody Hell, Aggie! Where's yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able to affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb, tidy yers elf up a bit.'

[andersonbrent]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain..




The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[Henry Hawk]

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.  That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.  The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.  But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.  The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.  John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...  The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.  Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Palehorse]

Mexican Words Of The Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Rosita likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car
There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen,
But che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I'm not home,
My fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece
Then che got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
But ju went to see sum guy,
July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars
But my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife
But che said chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left
But don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women..
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair
So I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club
But no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body,
Budweiser face so ugly?

[me]

 

[Palehorse]

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[Palehorse]

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[dan foster]

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

cewl. 

[Henry Hawk]

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of  100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod  aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to  a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't  mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,  the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and  lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can  be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it  whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn  mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but  the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I  awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

wired suftf....anit taht fnuny hwo taht wkros?

[Palehorse]

cewl. 

What in the name of John Wayne's ass is that in Bush's hands? A chainsaw? Who in the hell handed him that for cryin out loud!?

[Anne]

What in the name of John Wayne's ass is that in Bush's hands? A chainsaw? Who in the hell handed him that for cryin out loud!?

My guess would be Dan or one of his Bush hater friends.

[Palehorse]

That scallywag bush should never be in possession of a weapon ever again! Look what he did with them while in office!