Re: Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Palehorse]

   booo!!...

As a member of the Legion I found that funny!

[Henry Hawk]

As a member of the Legion I found that funny!

I'm not a member and thought it was funny too....are you ready to become an Elk now?

[Palehorse]

I'm not a member and thought it was funny too....are you ready to become an Elk now?

Can't afford the dues to another club right now. . .

[Palehorse]

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

[Palehorse]

  God's  Problem Now. 
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when  there was
                a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous 
                bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                rumbling in the distance. 
The little, old man looked at the  pastor and calmly said,
                'Well, she's there." 

[Palehorse]

God
said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for
Me."

Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"


God
said, "Go down
into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"

God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."

Adam said, "What's a
river?"

God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."

Adam said, "What is a
hill?"


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
the
other side of the
hill you will find a
cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
woman?'

So God explained
that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you
to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
that?" 

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,

across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.

Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

"What's a
headache?"

[me]

 

[Exterminator]

One summer, little Johnny saw a bicycle he wanted in the window of a local shop, decided that was what he'd ask for for Christmas that year and almost immediately, started dropping hints to his parents.  As summer turned to fall, Johnny decided he should write to Santa and ask for the bike as well.  After weeks passed with no reply from Santa, Johnny decided to go straight to the top with his request: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole year!"

After some thought, Johnny realized that it would probably be impossible for him to be good for an entire year, wadded up the letter and began anew: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole month!"

Again, Johnny realized that this was improbable, abandoned that letter and started again: "Dear God, if you get me the bike I want for Christmas, I promise to be good for a whole week!"

Upon further reflection, Johnny again realized that, given the difficulty of going even a single day being good, it was unlikely that he could last a week and scrapped the third letter as well.  Johnny had quite a quandry on his hands, not wanting to lie to God and whatnot, and thought hard about how to convince Him to get his new bike for Christmas.  As he considered his options and absentmindedly looked around his room, he came across a statue of the virgin Mary and was struck with an idea.  He leapt from his chair, ran over and grabbed the statue, wrapped her in a towel, stuffed her into a shoebox and buried the box in the very back of his closet.

Then, he began to write: "Dear God, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

[Palehorse]

 

[Palehorse]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorist Plots Discovered           0
Transvestites                         133
Hernias                              1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases                3,172
Enlarged Prostates               8,249
Breast Implants                  59,350
Natural Blondes                         3

[me]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"? "Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? Asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops".   

[Palehorse]

Not a joke, but it was in my inbox, and it is interesting: (And I did snopes it, and as expected it is basically true, but the "author" did exercise a little imagination in penning the tales).


Two True Stories
   STORY NUMBER  ONE

    Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago .  Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

      Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason.  Eddie was very good!  In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time..

     To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well.  Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well.  For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of  the day.  The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

      Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. 

      Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.  Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld.   Price was no object.

      And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.  Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

      Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

      One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

      He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.  To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.  So, he testified.

      Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street .  But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.  Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

      The poem read:

      "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour.  Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time.  For the clock may soon be still."



      STORY NUMBER  TWO

      World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

      He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

      One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.  After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

      He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his  ship.

      His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.  Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

      As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

      The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.  He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet.  Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.  There was only one thing to do.  He must somehow divert them from the  fleet.

      Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.  Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.  Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

      Undaunted, he continued the assault.  He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

      Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

      Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

      Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.  The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale.  It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.  He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft 
This took place on February 20, 1942 , and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.

      A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29..  His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

      So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.  It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.


      SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?


      Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

[Anne]

A SHORT STORY

Man driving down a road

Woman driving up the same road.

She yells "PIG!".

He yells "BITCH!".

He goes around the curve, hits huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

When will men learn to listen?

[me]

A fabulous retort!

 

Yesterday I  had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.   Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. 
The waiting room was filled with patients.  As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.  I sighed and gave her my name. 
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.   
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"



All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.  But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERA-TION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

[Anne]