The Unknown Zone - proudly an American forum!

This happened to me; you could be next...



Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day and it could happen to you or to an important woman in your life.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time.

How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?



I think I finally found my thighs-- and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night!

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.  Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.



I hope this gave you a chuckle - cuz I surely enjoyed sending it to ya!

LMATO!!! That's hilarious  :biggrin: :biggrin: OMG the "P.S" did me in!  :biggrin:

(http://members.aol.com/tricia2fox/OldLadyFallenBreasts.jpg)

Ain't it the truth.... :'(

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at the door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves
the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a
thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week" The Republican is
very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the left and the right.

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN



1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

QuoteLater a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week" The Republican is
very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and Becoming More Successful."

Republicans go out of there way to be nice?  Wow, that's a new one.

Quote from: awol on April 10, 2007, 11:17:32 AM
HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN



1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

Well...Duh!.. :rolleyes:

That's the only one this is correct on, the rest are bogus... ;)

I think you have the right wing pegged for the most part, but the left is a lil' far fetched  :icon_twisted:

Republican Beliefs
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's drunk driving record and cocaine arrest are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

Clinton's business interests in the 1970s in which he lost money are of vital national interest, but Bush's activities in the 1980s in which he made money under questionable circumstances is unimportant.

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.

Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."

Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.

How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.

What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.

What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade

How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night

Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.

Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!

What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.

What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring

What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted

What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.

What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.

Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.  They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money.  Then he'll have a special investigator spend another $40 million on it.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their national convention?
10,001.  1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.

What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.

What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth controll?
Their personalities.

How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.

What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.

What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.

What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.

What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.

Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.

What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.

What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes

What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade

What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat him.

What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.

Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.

How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.

What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.

How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.

       A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no.  He walks up to the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"        "They're $1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
       "Oh," said the republican.  "I wondered how you kept them on."

A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, & pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver got mad & turned his radio off.  1 mile down the road he saw another republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing.  The republican stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like you who give us all a bad name.  If I could swim I'd come out there & give you what's coming to you."

republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all.  You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.

       For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the innkeeper's daughter.  The next time he arrived, he was looking forward to an exciting few days.  He dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.
       "Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten married, & the baby would have my name!"
       "Well," she said.  "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a republican."

Biggest joke of the year:  republican fairness

Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.

If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.

Be kind.  Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.

Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter together.  Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill out of the helicopter.  Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops five dollar bills out of the helicopter.  Al Gore decides to do something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush & Limbaugh out of the helicopter.

2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coathanger.  The first one said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked."  The second one replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"

A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it.  The genie said, "I'll grant you 1 wish."  He said, "I wish I were smarter."  So the genie made him a Democrat.

       A boy was selling puppies in front of his house, when he sees Bob Dole walking by.  "Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy a puppy?" he asked.
       Dole replied, "Bob Dole doesn't need no dog."
       The boy quickly added, "Sir, they're republican puppies."
       "Hmmm," replied Dole.  "Tell you what, Bob Dole has to give a speech at the city hall in fifteen minutes.  Maybe some other time."
       Two days late, Dole headed happened to pass by the boy, still selling puppies.  But now, he was trying to sell one to Bill Clinton.  "Would you like a puppy?" the boy asked.  "They're Democrats."
       "Now wait just a minute," Dole said.  "Just 2 days ago, you told Bob Dole they were republicans."
        "Well," the boy answered, "now they have their eyes open."

       There was a town in Texas which was notorious for its pidgeon problems.  The birds were carrying several diseases, & made a mess out of everything.  Desperate, the town hired a pidgeon exterminator.  He arrived, & explained that it would cost $100 to kill the pidgeons, plus $10 for any questions asked.  The town agreed.
       The exterminator releases a pink pidgeon, which flew into the air.  Slowly, one by one, the town's pidgeons began to fly after it, mimicking its every move.  Finally, when all the pidgeons were following its lead, the exterminator snapped his fingers, & the pink pidgeon flew into the side of a building, killing itself.  The other pidgeons followed, & in seconds, all the pidgeons were dead.
       The town was impressed, & gave him a check for $110.  The exterminator looked at the check & said, "I suppose you have one question."
       "Yes," the mayor replied.  "Do you have any pink republicans?"

A republican died & a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral.  A woman was asked to donate $10.  She said, "It only takes $10 to bury a republican?  Here's $100, go bury 10 of them!"

Did you hear about the planeload of republican politicians en route to a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco & pollution lobbies?  The good news--it crashed.  The bad news--there were 3 empty seats.

       The pope & a republican were both killed in an automobile accident.  The 2 were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter asked the republican his name & looked it up in the Book.  He then asked the pope for his name, & then looked it up in the Book too.
       "Now if you'll come with me, I'll show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.  They walked along the clouds & came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.  St. Peter turned to the republican & told him that this was to be his house.  The pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
       St. Peter & the pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.  St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.
       The pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!  That other guy was a republican & he gets a mansion.  I was the head of the Roman Catholic Church & this is all the reward I get???"
       St. Peter looked at the pope & said, "True, you've done great things.  But we have lots of popes in Heaven, & that guy was the 1st republican ever to make it up here."

A republican's response to the comment "Think about it!":  "I don't have to think--I'm republican!"

A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, & a genie came out that offered him 1 wish.  He said he was terrified of flying as well as boats but always wanted to go to Hawaii.  The genie said that it was impossible because of the ocean depth & the length, & asked for an alternate wish.  So the guy said he'd like all republicans to become honest & kind.  The genie considered for a moment & said, "So, would 2 lanes be enough, or do you want 4?"

       A local United Way office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man & leading republican.  The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service.  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
       The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, & had medical bills that are several times her annual income? 
       Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."
       "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to a wheelchair?  Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids?
       The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
       On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"

Oh yeah!....well, democrats are poopieheads...................................and no change backs.... :no:

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a
drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then
he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss
mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your
favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke
it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in
such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . .
PRICELESS!!!

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete



Tee Hee Hee.......

Now that thar's funny, I don care who ya are.

Who's the Father
Hard to believe!!!

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or
putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner
up. Five surely gets "most creative."



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was

fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of

child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was

being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can

provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party

if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was

conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had

unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex

was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father,

can you send me his phone number? Thanks.



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a

BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations i n this area and see if

he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am

awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was

immaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to

do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications

for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.



7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all look the same to me.



8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,

can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also

borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney

World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember

for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.

If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at

8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like

when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.





Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these people!!!!!!!!!!!

THE OSTRICH

> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
> The waitress asks them for their orders.
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
> ostrich,
> "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
> $9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
> change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
> waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
> salad," sa ys the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
> it on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
> How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
> two wishes.
>
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
> put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
> be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
> for as long as you live!"
>
> That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there ," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
> chick with a big @ss and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Subject: Tool definitions


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you tosay, "Yeou _ _ _..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel
wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than
any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to
make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

This is the funniest email joke I think I've ever gotten


The Smiths were unable to conceive children  and
decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father
was
> to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and
said, "Well, I'm
off
> now. The man should be here soon."
>
>  Half an hour  later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby
photographer
> happened  to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale.
>  "Good morning,Ma'am"
>
>  "Good morning, come to..."
>
>  "Oh, no need to explain,"Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been
> expecting you."
>
>  "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did
you
> know babies are my specialty?"
>
>  "Well that's what  my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and
have
> a seat". After a  moment she
>  asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>
>  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on
the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the
>  bed. And  sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really
> spread out  there."
>
>  "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry
> and me!"
>
>  "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if
> we try several different positions and  I
>  shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the
> results."
>
>  "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>  "Ma'am,  in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to
be
> in and  out in five minutes, but I'm
>  sure you'd be disappointed with  that."
>
>  "Don't I know it," said Mr s. Smith.
>
>  The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. "This was done on the
>  top of a bus,"  he said.
>
>  "Oh, my Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at
her  throat.
>
>  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to  work
>  with."
>
>  "She was difficult?" asked  Mrs. Smith.
>
>  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
the  park to get
the
> job done right. People were crowding
>  around four and  five deep to get a good look"
>
>  "Four and five deep?" said Mrs.  Smith, her eyes
wide with
amazement.
>
>  "Yes", the photographer  replied. "And for more
than three hours,
too.
> The mother was constantly  squealing
>  and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached
I
> had to rush my shots. Finally, when the  squirrels
began nibbling on
my
> equipment, I just had to pack it a ll  in.
>
>  "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually  chewed on
> your, uh...equipment?"
>
>  "It's true, Ma'am,  yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my
tripod
> and we can get to work right away."
>
>  "Tripod ?"
>
>  "Oh yes,  Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on.  It's
> much too big  to be held in the hand very
>  long...."
>
>  Mrs. Smith  fainted....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I
guess we finally answered THAT age old question!"


It took me a second to get that one.......

what is a fish with two knees called?
































a two-knee fish

Go to Google maps
Click on Get directions
Type in New York as starting point
Type in London as destination

Read line 24 in the instructions.

Q: Why do hamburgers work out?
A: To get better buns

Q: What is the only nut that sneezes?
A: A cashewwwwwwwwwwww

Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up

Q: How does a hamburger propose?
A: With an onion ring

Q: What did the mayo say to the fridge
A: Shut that door! I'm dressin'!


(as shared w/my by lil' Mojo  :biggrin:)

Quote from: Bo D on April 25, 2007, 04:46:00 PM
Go to Google maps
Click on Get directions
Type in New York as starting point
Type in London as destination

Read line 24 in the instructions.

too funny.

Widdle Wabbits

Widdle Wabbits

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

Can you indentify this object?








(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e209/300zxguy/mobmain-1.jpg)





Of course, you are right!
It's a Nappy Headed Hoe

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.


(http://50plusstuff.com/Wet%20Cat.jpg)


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog


(http://50plusstuff.com/Laughing%20Dog.jpg)

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1)  Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2)  Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3)  Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

The River


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.  Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


:rolleyes:

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me" came
from"?


Well, it just happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country
way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops.


There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely
dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back
and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops
searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.


Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They
trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know,
was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his
men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."


Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."


And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

  A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed
> because she can't sleep, the
>       wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
> The vet tells the woman to
>       tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and
> he will stop snoring.
>       "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after
> going to bed, the dog
>       begins
>       snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns,
> unable to sleep.
>       Muttering
>
>       to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a
> piece of red ribbon and
>       ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
> Sure enough, the dog
>       stops
>       snoring!
>       The woman is amazed! Later that night, her
> husband returns home drunk
>       from being out drinking with his buddies.. He
> climbs into bed, falls
>       asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman
> thinks maybe the ribbon
>       might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
> again, grabs a piece of
>       blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
> testicles. Amazingly, it
>       also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
> The husband wakes from his
>       drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
> As he stands in front of
>       the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees
> a blue ribbon attached to
>       his testicles. He is very confused and as he
> walks back into the
>       bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied around
> his dog's testicles. He
>       shakes his head and looks at the dog and
> whispers, "I don't know where
>       we were .. . or what we did . . but, by God .
> . we took first and
>       second
>       place.
>
>

 ;D

excellent bad taste choice!

good morning

Good Morning!  :biggrin:

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and
you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it".

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would  say,
"What a
peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon
in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon,
in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon,
by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you
shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at
ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after

Subject:  Shopping with men

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
You might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your husband.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he  assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Yours very truly,
Management of Wal-Mart

Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott , AZ.  He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.  He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.  The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.  .  .



The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

:biggrin:

And then there was the soldier who was talking to Chelsea CLINTON



She asked him how he felt about fear.

He told her there were only 3 things he was afraid of

1) Osama

 
2) Obama

 
3) and Yo Mama


(http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q141/tallulahdahling/Scared.jpg)

:biggrin: 

The resume bloopers.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in
Fortune Magazine :-)
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have
never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those
conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Hysterical!  I've interviewed some of these morons in the past  LOL :rolleyes:

 Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive,  double-pane energy-efficient kind.  Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.  So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy
had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves!  I told him, "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hungup.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me.  Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore.

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity Read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well . . night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

> The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass
> destruction.
>
> The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
>
> The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
>
> The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
>
> The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
> e-mails
> everyone about what it did
>
> The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
> be
> back
>
> The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
>
> The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
> slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
>
> The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
>
> The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
> care
>
> The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
>
> The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
> floppy
> ... then discards it through Windows

Women's Ass Size Study

    There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.  I thought the results were pretty interesting:

    25 percent of women think their ass is too fat...

    10 percent of women think their ass is too skinny...

    The other 65 per cent say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. :biggrin:

 



I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

 
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
>
>
> The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
> chemistry mid term.
>
> The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
> with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
> the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> >
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
> (absorbs heat)?
> >
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
> variant.
> >
> One student, however, wrote the following:
> >
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
> need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
> at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
> soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
> religions that exist in the world today.
> >
> Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
> religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
> religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
> they are,we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> exponentially.
>
> Now,we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
> Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
> are added.
> >
> >This gives two possibilities:
> >
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
> enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
> until all Hell breaks loose.
> >
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
> Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
> over.
> >
> So which is it?
> >
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
> that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
> must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
> frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
> over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
> therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
> shouting "Oh my God."
> >
> >THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
Removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is
Happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went
To sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that
Quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were
These and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for
My thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in
Jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
To match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
Original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long
Skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
Fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper to and
Fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -
My body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to
Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
Neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell
The coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
Parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
Something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in
Bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to
See that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep
Them hidden in my waistband.

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,  "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of  milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,



ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



drank the milk,,,,,,,,,



Pooped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

 Retread

> The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass
> destruction.
>
> The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
>
> The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
>
> The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
>
> The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
> e-mails
> everyone about what it did
>
> The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
> be
> back
>
> The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
>
> The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
> slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
>
> The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
>
> The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
> care
>
> The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
>
> The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
> floppy
> ... then discards it through Windows

A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.


The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"


The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.


Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."


"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper  has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have  the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers ?   :biggrin:

Flat Tire

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day, so she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. She takes out two card board men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed
up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is
going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

:biggrin: Well, she did get traffic to slow down.

Proper Job Placement...

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

    a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

    b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

    c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

    d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

    e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

    f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

    g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

    h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

    i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

    j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

    k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

    l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

    m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Redneck Hunter

This redneck guy was deer hunting in Tennessee. He shoots a deer, and as he
> >is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this Redneck Game
> >Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the
> >license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy.
> >I need to inspect the deer."
> >
> >The Redneck Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's
> >butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.
> >
> >The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no
> >Tennessee Deer; this here is a North Carolina deer! You need to have a
> >North Carolina Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a North Carolina
> >Hunting License on you Boy?"
> >
> >Well, it just so happens that the Redneck guy had been hunting in North
> >Carolina the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a
> >North Carolina Hunting License.
> >
> >The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says,
> >"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up
> >Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got
> >everything in order. So go on, get out of here."
> >
> >The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as
> >he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game
> >Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
> >
> >He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs
> >his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a
> >South Carolina Hunting License?"
> >
> >The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes
> >and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again
> >has to let him go.
> >
> >So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a
> >deer; one from Georgia, Alabama, and West Virginia. Each time the Game
> >Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to
> >produce the correct license.
> >
> >Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy!
> >You got a hunting license from every state in the south!
> >Where the hell are you from, anyway?"
> >
> >The Redneck Hunter finally had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says
> >"You tell me!"

Ha, ha, ha, ha--GOOD ONE!    :biggrin:

An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
of what is believed to be the first
Politician.

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States,
Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting
he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent
ministers and advisers."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.
You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and
said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said,
"I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your
brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."
Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back
on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a
riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it
was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?"
Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the
answer.  Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom,
and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions,
none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing
what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was
leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her
presidential nomination, Barack Obama.
So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents
had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was
the child?"
"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."
"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination
for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States!" So
Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle.
The child was Barack Obama.!"
"No, you Dumb Shit !" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"
The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them again running the Country!

OMG!!! LMAO!!! Sounds about right.  :rotfl:

 :biggrin:

Well, this isn't a joke but I find it in inbox at least once a month and I'm sick of it!

There is no DO NOT CALL number that you can dial from your cell phone to avoid telemarketing calls.

If you do get calls on your cell phone from telemarketers it is because you gave your cell phone number to someone on a website or via e-mail or someone you know did it.

There is no published cell phone number directory as of yet.

Here is the Snopes link:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/cell411.asp (http://www.snopes.com/politics/business/cell411.asp)

"George Carlin's"
New Rules For 2007




New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com "<http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that' s served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice a nd let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&M's. If I'm hungry for M&M's I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue : No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

The advice column

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2278/1590932759_759612ee87_o.jpg

beautiful, me.  george carlin once again proves he speaks america!

 Here's one I found ppretty funny.........enjoy :biggrin:         





            http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

 :biggrin:

  Another good one   turn up the sound   :eek:                             



                    http://www.pne.ca/videoclip.htm

I can't get it to load.

 :confused:Sorry about that^ apparently the site was shut down tempoarily. 
Here's something I found funny...mainly for all the women out there....

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
    As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
    A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever
have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! :wink:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Since we live in such a Politically Correct age, to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 :sm39: :sm39: :sm39: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

 
Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween  :hal3:

 LOL!!! That's a good one.  :rotfl: :rotfl:

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was us able to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one  day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam.  "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some times go?"

"Yeah," said Sam "I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

 :thumbsup: :sm39: good one :wink:

My Private Part Died Today


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his  life in a Nursing Home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.


'Mr. Goldstein,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your  Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Goldstein, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part  died.'


Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of  your pajamas?


(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)




'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.' :biggrin:

Quote from: me on October 27, 2007, 01:36:27 PM
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was us able to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one  day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam.  "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some times go?"

"Yeah," said Sam "I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

LMAO!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

 THE WEDDING TEST
>>>
>>> I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend
>>>
>>> and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
>>>
>>> decided to get married. There was only one
>>>
>>> little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
>>>
>>> younger sister.
>
>>>
>>> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
>>>
>>> tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
>
>>> would regularly bend down when she was near
>>> me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
>>>
>>> be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
>>>
>>> near anyone else.
>
>>>
>>> One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
>>>
>>> come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
>>>
>>> alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
>>>
>>> had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
>>>
>>> overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
>>>
>>> before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>>>
>
>>> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>>>
>>> She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
>>>
>>> you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
>>>
>>> up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
>>>
>>> and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
>>>
>>> opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
>>>
>>> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
>>>
>>> outside, all clapping!
>>>
>
>>> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
>>>
>>> said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
>>>
>>> little test. We couldn't ask for a better
>>>
>>> man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>>>
>>> And the moral of this story is:
>>>
>>> Always keep your condoms in your car.

Quote from: brenda on October 27, 2007, 01:51:07 PM
My Private Part Died Today


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his  life in a Nursing Home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.


'Mr. Goldstein,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your  Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Goldstein, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part  died.'


Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of  your pajamas?


(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)




'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.' :biggrin:

That was hilarious.  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: me on November 04, 2007, 04:14:39 PM
THE WEDDING TEST
>>>
>>> I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend
>>>
>>> and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
>>>
>>> decided to get married. There was only one
>>>
>>> little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
>>>
>>> younger sister.
>
>>>
>>> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
>>>
>>> tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
>
>>> would regularly bend down when she was near
>>> me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
>>>
>>> be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
>>>
>>> near anyone else.
>
>>>
>>> One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
>>>
>>> come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
>>>
>>> alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
>>>
>>> had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
>>>
>>> overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
>>>
>>> before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>>>
>
>>> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>>>
>>> She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
>>>
>>> you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
>>>
>>> up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
>>>
>>> and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
>>>
>>> opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
>>>
>>> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
>>>
>>> outside, all clapping!
>>>
>
>>> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
>>>
>>> said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
>>>
>>> little test. We couldn't ask for a better
>>>
>>> man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>>>
>>> And the moral of this story is:
>>>
>>> Always keep your condoms in your car.

Another good one me.  :yes:  :rotfl:

these are so completely awesome and tasteless. more more

Quote from: damfast on November 04, 2007, 09:02:30 PM
these are so completely awesome and tasteless. more more

I LOVE THIS THREAD.  :smitten: When you need a good laughit is here.  :rotfl:

Making a baby                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. _

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' _

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' _

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.' _

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?' _

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. _

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'_

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'_

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!' _

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' _

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith._

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' _

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly._

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my__ word__!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat._

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'_

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith._

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'_

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement._

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' _

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'_

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'_

'Tripod?'_

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'_

MRS. SMITH FAINTED_

Zhi, that was soo funny I almost  choked on my gum.  :rotfl:

" Working Out !! "

            If you can read this through without laughing out loud.... well perhaps
            you should go yourself. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
            attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

            Dear Diary,

            For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter IRENE (the dear) purchased
            a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
            am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
            43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
            a try.

            I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
            named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
            instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
            seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
            me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

            MONDAY :
            Started my day at 6:00 a.m. To ugh to get out of bed, but found it was
            well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
            for me.
            She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
            and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
            me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
            conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
            Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
            aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
            to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

            TUESDAY :
            I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
            Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
            then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
            treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
            all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

            WEDNESDAY :
            The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
            counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
            hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
            steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

            Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
            club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
            and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
            My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
            stair 'monster'. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate
            an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
            help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

            THURSDAY :
            Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
            thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
            being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
            Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
            ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
            Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

            FRIDAY :
            I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
            other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
            anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could
            move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

            Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
            if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells
            or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me
            off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
            been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

            SATURDAY :
            Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
            voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
            want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
            strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight
            hours of the Weather Channel.

            SUNDAY :
            I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
            thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
            daughter IRENE  will choose a gift for me that is fun
            - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
            to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!(or chocolate!)

What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)



Isn't it amazing that George Carl in - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Me ssage by George Carl in:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We'v e learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to qu iet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time wh en you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious t houghts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

                        George Carl in

Not to take away from the intent, but George Carlin didnt write that. (Or any number of other internet pieces often attributed to him) It was actually written by a student at Columbine.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp

Quote from: me on November 13, 2007, 06:41:57 AM
What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)



Isn't it amazing that George Carl in - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Me ssage by George Carl in:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We'v e learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to qu iet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time wh en you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious t houghts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

                        George Carl in

Very deep.  :cry:

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. 
WELL. . .  YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF
HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?"  I ASKED. 
AND HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975.  WHY DO YOU ASK?"

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,
BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-B**** ASKED ME, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

Quote from: me on November 20, 2007, 01:08:04 PM

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. 
WELL. . .  YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF
HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?"  I ASKED. 
AND HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975.  WHY DO YOU ASK?"

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,
BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-B**** ASKED ME, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: Bo D on March 19, 2007, 01:55:56 PM
(http://members.aol.com/tricia2fox/OldLadyFallenBreasts.jpg)

Are you makin' fun o' me?


;)

Trip To Walmart by Age
You are in the middle of a project around the house......mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with a hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following.

In your 20 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow-dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30 ' s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don ' t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter ' s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don ' t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy ' s bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50 ' s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don ' t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don ' t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

Quote from: Bo D on March 19, 2007, 01:55:56 PM
(http://members.aol.com/tricia2fox/OldLadyFallenBreasts.jpg)

Hey, where'd you get that pic of me?.....lol

Spaghetti



A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!........ Request bread !!!!"

 

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light i s just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.



The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

 
A  woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal  glaucoma?" 
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."


   

There were these two fellars standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One fellar said, "The water's cold" and the other fellar said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?  :eek:  uhuuuuuu

>> AMISH BUMPER STICKER
>>
>>
>> While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
>> The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
>> attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
>> "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step
>> in exhaust.''

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

Quote from: Mother_Earth on December 02, 2007, 03:03:34 AM
I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

That was a good one Mother_Earth.








If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.


These are real answers given by children.


  Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


  Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


  Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


  Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


  Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


  Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


  Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


  Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.


  Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.


  Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.


  Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.


  Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.


  Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

(Jareds World) The Human Body


        The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection
        of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were
        designed the way we were.

        Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

        The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
        is the male sperm.

        You use 200 muscles to take one step.

        The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

        Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

        A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

        A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

        The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

        The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
        Encyclopedia Britannica.

        It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
        stomach.

        The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

        Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of
        the liver than men with hair.

        At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
        cell. -

        There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

        Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon
        of water to a boil. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest
        substance in your body.

        Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

        When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and
        they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

        Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

        At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact
        to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose
        and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in
        comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ......

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."  In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.  However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.  Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

Don't underestimate the older generation

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

FROM THE DESK 0F S. CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Virginia, North and South Carolina,  Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.

However, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of t he Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus
because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave a
Coke Classic and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty".

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear  Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's
a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,  you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into  each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

P.S.
GOOD LUCK AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Good morning to my senior friend "me"  :wink: Just a little AARP info for you. ;D

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
         
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
                 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
                 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of y our 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
                 

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
                 

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
                 

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
                 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundl y?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [true-True-True!]
                 

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
                 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

  Be Careful Out There:

  IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'     

   We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but the! y could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. 

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


   
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!   I don't think this is a good place for  them to be crossing any more !

From Kingman , KS .
   

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Kansas City

   

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

   


IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We  all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.   


   
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.   


   
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and

they  REPRODUCE !

This is hilarious.....

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059#vt

Stupid Question.... Stupid Answer

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

To all my Democrat friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other  country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.



To all my Republican friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?

A: ''Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

:biggrin:

 A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote from: Elizahawk on December 15, 2007, 05:46:52 PM
Stupid Question.... Stupid Answer

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled
with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

LMAO!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: smokeykat on December 20, 2007, 11:55:00 PM
A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank
all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found
the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's a GOOD one, IMO!   :biggrin2:

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I   have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

Women's Ass Size Study

    There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their asses.  I thought the results were
pretty interesting:

    25 percent of women think their ass is too fat...

    10 percent of women think their ass is too skinny...


    The other 65 per cent say that they don't care; they
love him, he's a good man, and they would have married
him anyway.

 :biggrin: :rotfl:

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing

     Their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next
time

     You run into someone who knows nothing, cares less, and tries to make

     Your life miserable.



     A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a

     Trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser,

     Who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
and

     Dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"



     "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



     "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible

     Airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and

     They're always late.



     So, where are you staying in Rome?"



     "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber

     River called Teste."



     "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its

     Gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the

     Worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,
and

     They're overpriced.



     So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"



     "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the

     Pope."



     "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other

     People trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck

     On this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



     A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The

     Hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome



     "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were w e on

     Time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and

     They bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I

     Had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot And

     The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,

     And now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They, too, were

     Overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no

     Extra charge!"

     "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but

     I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



     "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,

     A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope

     Likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into

     His private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough,

     Five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my
hand! I

     Knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



     "Oh, really! What'd he say?

     He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike

Little Girl Walking Home From School   
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" 

Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.
>
>
>
> Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
> Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?"
> Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
> Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
> Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".




(http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k46/kiminnc/nochildleftbehind.jpg)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

InterruptMOO!!!

Quote from: kimmi on January 17, 2008, 07:13:17 PM
Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.
>
>
>
> Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
> Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?"
> Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
> Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
> Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".


Yup--they ordered that in Meridian!  I recognize the writing   :yes:



(http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k46/kiminnc/nochildleftbehind.jpg)

            A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.   Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.

                After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.   The woman says, "So, you're a man.  That's interesting. I m a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

                Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!"   But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

                The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.   My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.   Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

                She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

                The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

                The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

                The woman replies,  "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

                   

                MORAL OF THE STORY :

                Women are clever, evil bitches.     Don't mess with us.

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is

It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer

makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers

an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was

gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he

Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ..

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all

them ugly women I slept with?

CUSSING'

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what? 'says the 6 year old. "I think it's about
time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The six year old continues, When we go downstairs
for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you
say something with 'ass. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and
asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He
flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just
stay there until I let you out!" She them comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I
don't know, mom" he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cherrios"!

Love is in the AIR...


            Husband:  Oh, come on.
            Wife:  Leave me alone!
            Husband:  It won't take long.
            Wife:  I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
            Husband:   I can't sleep without it.
            Wife:   Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
            Husband:  Because I'm Hot.
            Wife:  You get hot at the darnedest times.
            Husband:  If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
            Wife:  If you love me you'd be more considerate.
            Husband:  You don't love me anymore.
            Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
            Husband:  Please...come on
            Wife:   Alright, I'll do it.
            Husband:  What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
            Wife:  I can't find it.
            Husband:   Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
            Wife:   There! Are you satisf ied?
            Husband:  Oh, yes.
            Wife:   Is it up far enough?
            Husband:  ! Oh, that's good.
            Wife:  Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
            do it yourself.
             
             Now, what were you expecting?

    Wal-Mart Computer Doctor


    Wal-Mart has everything!

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it."

    "It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ....  A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti- fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab..
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Women And Men 





1.NAMES 



If  Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each  other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. 

If  Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other  as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 



2.EATING  OUT 



When  the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even  though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none  will actually admit they want change back. 



When  the women get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators. 







3.MONEY 



A  man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 



A  woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on  sale. 







4.BATHROOMS 



A  man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar  of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. 



The  average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would  not be able to identify most of these items. 







5.ARGUMENTS 



A  woman has the last word in any argument. 



Anything  a man says after that... is the beginning of a new   argument.







6.CATS 



Women  love cats.



Men  say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.   



7.FUTURE 



A  woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 



A  man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 







8.SUCCESS 





A  successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 



A  successful woman is one who can find such a man.





9.MARRIAGE 



A  woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 



A  man marries a woman expecting that she won't change  ,   and  she does.







10.DRESSING  UP



A  woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,  answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A  man will dress up for weddings and funerals.







11.NATURAL 



Men  wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women  somehow deteriorate during the night.







12.OFFSPRING 



Ah,  children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist  appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and  hopes and dreams.



A  man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 







13.THOUGHT  FOR THE DAY



Any  married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people  remembering the same thing.

> Senior questions
> Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
> A: Try a bookstore under fiction
> Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
> A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
> Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
> A: Tell him you're pregnant.
> Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
> A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
> Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
> A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
> Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
> A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
> Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
> A: Their foreheads.
> Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
> A: 'I remember these.'

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?'  'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.  And on and on and on. 
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
    The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP? 

            <>It's not whether you win or lose,
            but how you place the blame.

             

            <> You are not drunk
            if you can lie on the floor
            without holding on.

             

            <>
            We have enough youth.
            How about a fountain of "smart"?

             

             

             

             

             

            The original point and click interface
            was a Smith & Wesson.

             

            <> A fool and his money
            can throw one hell of a party.

             

            <> when blondes have more fun
            do they know it?

             

             

            <> Five days a week my body is a temple.
            The other two it's an amusement park.

             

            <> LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
            USE BIRTH CONTROL

            <> 

            <>

            money isn't everything,
            but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

             

            <> Don't Drink and Drive
            You might hit a bump and spill something.

             

            <> If at first you don't succeed
            skydiving is not for you.

             

            <> Reality is only an illusion
            that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

             

            <> Time's fun when you're having flies.

            ......Kermit the Frog

             

            <> We are born naked, wet and hungry.
            Then things get worse.

             

             

            <>Red meat is not bad for you
            Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

             

            <> Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
            give the rest a bad name.

             

            <> One good thing about Alzheimer's is
            you get to meet new people every day.

             

             

            Friends don't let friends
            take ugly   people  home.


             

            <> > Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
            to produce reproductive organs

             

             

            Alabama state motto:

            At least we're not Mississippi

             

            <> Gaseous clouds
            have been detected
            around Uranus.

             

            <> ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
            MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

             

            <>

            GUN CONTROL:
            using both hands

             

            The more I learn about terrorism,
            the more I understand the phone company.

             

            The latest survey shows that
            three out of four people make
            up 75% of the population

             


            Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
            is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".

            The Mental Hospital...
A visitor to a mental hospital asked a doctor how they
decide whether to admit a new patient. "We fill up a
bathtub and offer them a spoon, a teacup, or a bucket
to empty the tub." The visitor nodded. "And a sane
person chooses the bucket?"

"No," said the doctor. "A sane person pulls the drain
plug. Would you like a bed near the window?:groan:

KIDS TODAY
>
>
> Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??
> (Well, some of them are!!! )
>
> I wish I'd thought of this when we were young...
>
> At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank
> on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
>
> Before they let them go they spray painted numbers on the sides of the

> goats. 1, 2, and 4.
>
> Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Richard bought a brand new Suzuki Bike. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kmph, and was enjoying the windblowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher  speed.
Then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car  behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem"  thought Richard, and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmph to escape being stopped. He then thought,"What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over the side  of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Suzuki and walked up to Richard.
He said "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go. "The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

This is for all my blonde friends -- you'll love it.......
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is -- an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought
About it for a moment and then spooned
Up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
Customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, hea dlights
Running boardsyou might as well gas up!

FOR ONCE! THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?


 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who  plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?   






*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


 



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"


 



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?






*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?






*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


 



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time  approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a conti nent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the worl d as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software!."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

What happens if you sleep around!!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married
.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?


6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.

10.I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

:biggrin: That's SO true!

Maxine Sliders


  As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember:



1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written

    an impressive new book.  It's called .........

   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink

    and be Mary.



3. The difference between the Pope and

    your boss,  the Pope only expects you

    to kiss his ring.




4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant

    flash and it is gone.




5. The only time the world beats a path to

    your door is if you're in  the bathroom.




6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

    that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.




7. It used to be only death and taxes

    were inevitable Now, of course, there's

    shipping and handling, too.




8.. A husband is someone who, after taking

     the trash out, gives the impression that

     he just cleaned the whole house.




9. My next house will have no kitchen - just

    vending machines and a  large trash can.




10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

      mechanic might try to rip me off.

      I was relieved when he told me all

      I needed was turn signal fluid.'




11. Definition of a teenager?

      God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   

     
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may

     the splinters never point the wrong way

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you performed the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

LOL ;D

Politically correct for 2007

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN LADY...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page re p ort on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct, " says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.. ."

"Now give me back my dog!!"

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . 

They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate.)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Some

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do
you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

CLOSEST RELATIVE ? 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


***Old People Rock! ***

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!
       I was shocked, confused, bewildered
>       As I entered Heaven's door,
>       Not by the beauty of it all,
>       Nor the lights or its decor.
>
>       But it was the folks in Heaven
>       Who made me sputter and gasp--
>       The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>       The alcoholics and the trash.
>
>       There stood the kid from seventh grade
>       Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>       Next to him was my old neighbor
>       Who never said anything nice.
>
>       Herb, who I always thought
>       Was rotting away in hell,
>       Was sitting prett y on cloud nine,
>       Looking incredibly well.
>
>       I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
>       I would love to hear Your take.
>       How'd all these sinners get up here?
>       God must've made a mistake.
>
>       "And why's everyone so quiet,
>       So somber - give me a clue."
>       "Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
>       No one thought they'd be seeing you."
>
>       JUDGE NOT.

Quote from: me on February 16, 2008, 02:51:50 PM

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!
       I was shocked, confused, bewildered
>       As I entered Heaven's door,
>       Not by the beauty of it all,
>       Nor the lights or its decor.
>
>       But it was the folks in Heaven
>       Who made me sputter and gasp--
>       The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>       The alcoholics and the trash.
>
>       There stood the kid from seventh grade
>       Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>       Next to him was my old neighbor
>       Who never said anything nice.
>
>       Herb, who I always thought
>       Was rotting away in hell,
>       Was sitting prett y on cloud nine,
>       Looking incredibly well.
>
>       I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
>       I would love to hear Your take.
>       How'd all these sinners get up here?
>       God must've made a mistake.
>
>       "And why's everyone so quiet,
>       So somber - give me a clue."
>       "Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
>       No one thought they'd be seeing you."
>
>       JUDGE NOT.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

                              The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted   to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
     I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
                    Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
       I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
                    Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
       Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
                 Love, Vinnie

    REPLACEMENTWINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive,      double-pane, energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time



Milking a cow!





hehehe! You sicko.

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, the "The Clinton Co. Times", a local news paper in Albany, Ky. reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Albany, Billy Bob Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Billy Bob has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone
wireless.

:biggrin:


I think I've known some "self taught" archaeologist but most of them care canines. ;D

Quote from: PIYA on March 01, 2008, 11:49:28 AM
:biggrin:


I think I've known some "self taught" archaeologist but most of them care canines. ;D

:biggrin:

                                Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

 :biggrin:

This one might have already been posted.


Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes, 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.


Works for me..........

 :rotfl:

                            Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Quote from: me on March 15, 2008, 04:23:03 PM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

:rotfl: I've gotta remember that one.

It all started when I rear-ended a car yesterday morning on the L A FREEWAY. So we're off to the side of the road and the driver slowly gets out of his car.

You know how some days, you're just sooooo stressed that life's problems acutally become funny?

Well, wouldn't you know . . this guy's a dwarf. He storms over to my truck, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So I looked down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

.... and that's when the fight started.

Sweet.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:





       'I outlived the bitches.'

Tax Rebate
 

    This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us would
get $600 or $1200 tax rebate.

    If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China ,

if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,

if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan
for technical support and none will help the American economy.

    The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the
only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or
spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

 :biggrin:

Quote from: kimmi on March 24, 2008, 09:33:25 AM
Tax Rebate
 

    This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us would
get $600 or $1200 tax rebate.

    If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China ,

if we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs,

if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to India, or Pakistan
for technical support and none will help the American economy.

    The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America, so the
only way I can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or
spend it on prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

Beer and women!!  Sure!!   Why waste it!!

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Florida he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

That reminds me of this one:



A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

The Good Assistant

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.  "Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Bulls**t and Brilliance


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in  Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls**t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

THE PASTOR'S CAT...

This particular story just made me laugh.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.


A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned:  Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

 :biggrin:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjo y ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

        A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

                    ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

                    SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

                    TO SEE HER TICKET.



                    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

                    CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



                    THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

                    GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'


                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

                    THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

                    BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

                    ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



                    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

                    EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

                    SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



                    THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

                    GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'



                    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

                    HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

                    THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



                    THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

                    HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'



                    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

                    AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES

                    BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

                    ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

                    ANY FUSS.



                    'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true
story...

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India
answering telephones giving technical advice.

Now you know.

   You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.
        Eighth Place
        In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
        Seventh Place
        A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
        Sixth Place
        While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
        Fifth Place
        Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
        Fourth Place
        Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
        Third Place
        After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
        HONOURABLE MENTION
        Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
        RUNNER UP
        Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
        AND THE WINNER IS...
        Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
        Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
        The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
        It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Crap happens'

        IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

what celebrities would look like if they lived in WV:

http://trailerparkbarbie.wordpress.com/2008/04/26/redneck-celebrities/

That's funny. Seems like any of those people are a bad haircut or camera angle from becoming one of these pics. ;D

Okay...and maybe a couple meals. :biggrin:

WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know...


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework
.. you're a pansy.


If you work too hard... there's never any time for her. If you don't
work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.


If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism. If she gets a
job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment. If you keep
quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.


If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a
pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're
sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.


If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If she has a headache... she's tired.

If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed. If you don't... there must
be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."


"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."


"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"


The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Good one..... :rotfl:

2008 Campaign Buttons....


(http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/att3639700.jpg?w=300)

(http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/att3639696.gif?w=180)

(http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/att3639701.gif?w=299)

and just for ME and Henry:

(http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/att3639699.gif?w=190)

 :biggrin: :yes:

     SERVICE...............


 




At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word 'service.'
'It's the act of doing things for other people.'
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM!  It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agenc ies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Federal Rebate check...
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...

As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras , and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .

If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales , since those are the only businesses left owned by Americans !!
PASS IT ON !!!!

It Pays to Mind Your Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

One-Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how
you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the
purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair
of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.



















He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a
pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).

                   

                    Missouri Farmer 

A Missouri Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer I need to inspect your farm  for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.'

The Highways employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Missouri to go where I want.
See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.'
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on

                        the employee at every step.

                        The old farmer called out,

                        'Show him your card',

                    'SHOW, HIM, YOUR, CARD!!!!'

  A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
   covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
   Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
   The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
     At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
     stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own  funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
    The proctologist fainted.

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Here's one.... bitter sweet  :biggrin:

I totally get "same difference" though ;D

How  To Give A Cat A Pill



1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a  baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth  and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As  cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and  swallow.

2  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm  and repeat process.


3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws  tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth  with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of  ten.


5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse  from garden.


6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear  paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly  with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler  and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note  to buy new ruler and repair curtains Carefully sweep shattered figurines  and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 


8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just  visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth  open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take  taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from  carpet with cold water and soap.

10  . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic  band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink  beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to  cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey  compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt  away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and  bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from  shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be  rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat  to wash pill down.

14  Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency  room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes  pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new  table.

15  . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop  to see if they have any hamsters.



How  To Give A Dog A Pill





1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air

:biggrin: that's hilarious! Dex must have it down to a science. Benji eats medicine like a treat.

Dexter was the first person I thought of when I was reading that.....LOL

That sounds about right. But they left an easy one out...... by liquid... if it comes in one LMAO!!!! Usually, I just get them in a head lock between my right arm and body. Then I force their mouth open with my right hand,and shove the eye dropper in their mouth. It's more difficult with Hubby's cat Scooter. He is the cat from hell, when it comes to any sort of physical contact, that wasn't initiated by him. For him.... Hubby throws a towel over him, covering him up to his head,and holds him REAL tight. Then I force his mouth open, and administer the medicine. In all of these cases pills are out of the question LOL!!!! I've had cats almost choke to death on pills.  :spooked:

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to
approve the  change and decide who brings the
potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and
one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out,
you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Bring a bulb of  your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the  need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found  that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and
tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

:biggrin:

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..



If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.



ABBOTT: Your computer?



COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT: What about Windows?



COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here ?



ABBOTT: Do you wan t a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT: Wallpaper.



COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.



ABBOTT: Software for Windows ?



COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT: I just did.



COSTELLO: You just did what?



ABBOTT: Recommend something.



COSTELLO: You recommended something?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: For my office?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!



ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows



COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my compu ter and I want to type a prop osal. What do I need?



ABBOTT: Word.



COSTELLO: What word?



ABBOTT: Word in Office.



COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?< BR>

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".



COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT: One copy.



COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET  PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says,   "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.Stupid, stupid man 

Quote from: me on June 07, 2008, 11:15:55 AM
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET  PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says,   "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.Stupid, stupid man 

LMAO!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

What old people do for fun.....I'm thinkin' 'bout tryin' it.... :biggrin:

http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=6y1e0skfJts

I like this one too ;D

http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=AVXGOu7vjWA

I hadn't seen that one....

        The Moped

        An elderly man on a Moped,
        looking about 100 years old,
        pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

        The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

        The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO.
        It cost half a million dollars!"

        "That's a lot of money," says the old man.
        "Why does it cost so much?"

        "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

        The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

        "No problem," replies the doctor.

        So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
        Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...
        But I'll stick with my Moped!"

        Just then the light changes,
        so the doctor decides to show
        the old man j ust what his car can do.
        He floors it, and within 30 seconds
        the speedometer reads 160 mph.

        Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

        He slows down to see what it could be
        and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
        Something whips by him going much faster!

        "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

        He presses harder on the accelerator
        and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

        Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

        Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

        Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
        he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
        all the way up to 320 mph.

        Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
        bearing down on him again !
        The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
        Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

        The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

        He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"

        The old man whispers,
        "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

LMAO!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

 :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

And by the way, 'the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

A Heart Warming Story

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness,
someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded
the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you .. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today...


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and I live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna







KINDA GRABS YA....HUH?

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped
My electric shaver , Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked
My cell phone
Away from my ear

Which fell
Into the coffee 
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.

Stupid women drivers !

Help Decide Who To Vote For


From a purely economic standpoint:



    A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year.

    Assuming the next president lives to age 80.  Sen. McCain would receive
    ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president. 
    Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would
    receive $4,973,800 in pension.

    Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in
    November.

    How's that for non partisan thinking

At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic Church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. 
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii ,so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
       Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

       The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia  or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

   The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer a whiplash.
   

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!   
      Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib..
         
     The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
     
          The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
     
           As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
     
          I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
     
       I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of wadded up masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
     
          I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
     
            I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
     
          I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
     
       Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
           It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.'
         So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
     
     
      You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.
       'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'

   Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm
85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.  I'll take the both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you!  But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
 
2. Hide and go pee.
 
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
 
4. Kick the bucket
 
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
 
6. Musical recliners.
 
7. Simon says something incoherent.
 
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

I was buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete  so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.  I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a milliontimes. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.


Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.


Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.


Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'


In mid-life your memor y starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) "Press 1 for English" is immediately banned.. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to  straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state.  If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.


(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8 Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences.  If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to do nate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.  Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
                God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

                                                  Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a winner to me... :biggrin:

    Somebody hit the nail on the head here!

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever,You are hot and sweaty.. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Walmart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following:


    In your 20s :
    Stop what you are doing.      Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a  hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

    In  your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of the hole in your 
    pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80s :
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
    Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,



'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch...

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm  'here'  I'm wondering
If I really should be  'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU R ELATE ? ? ?   

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

>
> Investment advice you can take to the bank.....
>
>
> Subject: Retirement Plan
>
>
> Retirement  Plan Investment Tip:
>
> If you had purchased $1000.00 of  AIG stock one year ago,
> it would  now be worth  $56.91.
>
> With  Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the
> original $1000.
>
> With "Fannie Mae"(FNM), you would have $11.34
> left.
>
> If you had purchased $1000.00 of  Lehman Bros one year ago
> it would now be almost worthless; less than $0.86.
>
> If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69
> left.
>
> But, if you had purchased  $1000.00 worth of beer one year
> ago, drank all the beer, then turned  in the cans for the
> aluminum recycling refund you  would have $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best  current investment advice is
> to drink heavily and recycle.
>
> This is called the 401-Keg  Plan

Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!! You can definitely tell, these teachers have reached the end of their rope!

1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4.  Somewhere, somehow your son is depriving a village of an 'idiot'.



5.  Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.



6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.



7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.



10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.



11. it's impossible to believe the 1 sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.



12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.





Seems like Officers get frustrated too! These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:



13. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'



14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'



15. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

16. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'



17. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'



18. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'



19. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'



20. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'



21. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



22. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'



23. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'



24. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'



25. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'



26. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'



27. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....



28. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.  Sign here.'

Gnu Joke
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES A HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

How to give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradl e it in the crook of your left arm as if holdi ng a baby. Posit ion right foref inger and thumb on eithe r side of cat' s mouth and gentl y apply press ure to cheek s while holdi ng pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth , pop pill into mouth . Allow cat to close mouth and swall ow.

2. Retri eve pill from floor and cat from behin d sofa. Cradl e cat in left arm and repea t proce ss.

3. Retri eve cat from bedro om, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradl e cat in left arm, holdi ng rear paws tight ly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right foref inger . Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retri eve pill from goldf ish bowl and cat from top of wardr obe. Call spous e from garde n.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedge d firml y betwe en knees , hold front and rear paws. Ignor e low growl s emitt ed by cat. Get spous e to hold head firml y with one hand while forci ng woode n ruler into mouth . Drop pill down ruler and rub cat' s throa t vigor ously .

7. Retri eve cat from curta in rail, get anoth er pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repai r curta ins. Caref ully sweep shatt ered figur ines and vases from heart h and set to one side for gluin g later .

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spous e to lie on cat with head just visib le from below armpi t. Put pill in end of drink ing straw , force mouth open with penci l and blow down drink ing straw .

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmf ul to human s, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spous e's forea rm and remov e blood from carpe t with cold water and soap.

10. Retri eve cat from neigh bor' s shed. Get anoth er pill. Open anoth er beer. Place cat in cupbo ard, and close door onto cat' s neck, leavi ng head showi ng. Force mouth open with desse rt spoon . Flick pill down throa t with elast ic band.

11. Fetch screw drive r from garag e and put cupbo ard door back on hinge s. Drink beer. Fetch bottl e of scotc h. Pour shot, drink . Apply cold compr ess to cheek and check recor ds for date of last tetan us shot. Apply whisk ey compr ess to cheek to disin fect. Toss back anoth er shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedro om.

12. Call fire depar tment to retri eve the darn cat from acros s the road. Apolo gize to neigh bor who crash ed into fence while swerv ing to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the littl e & % ^ $ *#'s front paws to rear paws with garde n twine and bind tight ly to leg of dinin g table , find heavy - duty pruni ng glove s from shed. Push pill into mouth follo wed by large piece of filet steak . Be rough about it. Hold head verti cally and pour 2 pints of water down throa t to wash pill down.

14. Consu me remai nder of scotc h. Get spous e to drive you to the emerg ency room, sit quiet ly while docto r stitc hes finge rs and forea rm and remov es pill remna nts from right eye. Call furni ture shop on way home to order new table .

15. Arran ge for SPCA to colle ct mutan t cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamst ers.


How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon .

2. Toss it in the air.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

Male Strippers

image0011.gif


Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on
To try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

http://www.eyecandee.com/
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

Legal Semantics...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ..."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes off his gloves and starts slapping the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Life As A Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.



His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three."

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head."



"Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing!"


Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing exercise tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.



And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound!
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said
"Christmas is coming ..."