Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Anne]

Grandma was saying her last goodbys and when her granddaughter came to see her she grasped her granddaughter's hand and said, " I want you to inherit my farm, the house, barn, tractor, animals, $233,854.00. Everything is for you." The granddaughter said, "Gee, Grandma, thank you but I didn't even know you had a farm, where is it?" With her dying breath Grandma said, "...on my facebook."

[Anne]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish thing we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bodle of Vodka, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box of chocletz.

Ya haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

[damfast]

hahahahahahah anne, get outta my cupboards

[Anne]

 

[damfast]

So a guy walks into a bank, and he pulls his gun out, and screams for everyone to lay on the floor face down. He says  "if you look at me i will shoot you. "
He grabs the money from the drawers and as he is leaving, a customer comes through the door.  The robber shoots him.  He turns around and sees one of the bank employees looking up so he shoots him too.
The robber yells at the people on the floor, "Did anyone else look up?"  There is silence for a moment, and one old guy who has his face pressed against the floor, raises his hand. 
And says, "I am pretty sure my wife got a good look at ya."


hahahahahaahahahhaa

[Anne]

 
BREAKING NEWS!

To save the economy, Congress will announce that they are ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD PERSON, RUN!!
   
   Well.....  Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!

.....if we all go together we can start our own country.  Two new states would be Denial and Confusion. 

[The Troll]

 
BREAKING NEWS!

To save the economy, Congress will announce that they are ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD PERSON, RUN!!
   
   Well.....  Someone sent it to me and I'm not going alone!

.....if we all go together we can start our own country.  Two new states would be Denial and Confusion.

  Let's change something.  The Republicans not congress will deport old people to cut taxes.   

[Da Wham]

    * What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    * If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.


    * What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
    * Pick a cod, any cod!


She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.


    * What's the Internet's favorite animal?
    * The lynx.


Bada-Boom!   

[The Troll]

  Fred an 87 year old man walk into his doctor office for his annual checkup.  Smiling as he walk in the doctor asked him, "why you so happy Fred".  Fred said, "I got my 30 year old wife pregnant".  The doctor said, "you a 87 year old man got your 30 year old wife pregnant?"  Yep, said Fred, I'm going to be a daddy. 

  The doctor said, "well, Fred did I tell you about one of my other old patients?  Well, he went hunting every day.  He would take his gun with and just take pot shots at things he want to shoot at.  Well, one day he saw a big, big beaver along the creek and since he had forgot his gun he pulled up his can and said, Bang and the beaver dropped dead.  What do you think about that?"

  Fred said. " someone else must have shot that beaver."  The doctor said, "Fred, I think that's what has happen in your case."     

[Anne]

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.


For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I
ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'



A Prayer...... .
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have the freakin time to crochet.

[libby]

My mother told this story on herself:

She never learned to drive, so after daddy passed away and her girls married and left home, she began riding the bus to go to town. One summer day she "dressed up" and put on a new pair of pantyhose. She was round and they were tight, but she managed to get the waist up to her waist. It was quite a walk down to the main road, so she wore sensible but nice shoes. But as she walked, it didn't take long to figure out that the motion of walking was causing the pantyhose to slide down, and the farther she walked the lower they slid, until, by the time she got to the bus stop, the waist was close to her knees. Then the bus pulled up and the door opened, and no matter how hard she tried, she could not get her leg high enough to get her foot on the first step. She looked up at the bus driver, and he looked down at her, and then, without changing his expression, he got up, stepped off the bus, picked my little momma up and carried her onto the bus and sat her down on a front seat.

We were laughing so hard by that time that I don't remember if she said he also carried her off the bus, but I imagine he did.

[Anne]

What a great story, you should write it down for your kids and grandkids!

[libby]

Thanks, Anne. I still  every time I think of it.

[Anne]

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!

[followsthewolf]

Great jokes, Anne.

Keep 'em comin'!