Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Back when I was still in school, my teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My pastor told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My pastor taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." ............Guess where I am now...

[me]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING   FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.








Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[me]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."   

[Anne]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."   

You made my day! 

[me]

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you,
I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball".

[me]

Smart kid - STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM



I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!


Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of

      the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *   You will never find an

      elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and   

         three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four

         men to build it? *  No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any

      way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[me]

Life has many lessons, this is but one. Great way to shut down rumors!​

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

[me]

Wonder if he learned his lesson...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So... you finish?"

After a short pause, she replies, "No."

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So... you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she just says "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, "So... you finish?"

"No. I'm Swedish."

[me]

This is just a little joke to help brighten your day. If you find yourself getting offended, maybe a smile is what you're looking for after all.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo – and he doesn't travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the chauffeur, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the chauffeur.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the chauffeur.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?" The Chief asked.

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I think it's God!" the cop exclaimed.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well for one thing, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[me]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn't work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."

"Awesome!" the couple responds enthusiastically. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter's face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked "What's wrong?"

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[me]

He should have known better!

A wife asks her husband: If she were to die, would he remarry?

Her husband says, "Yes, I would remarry, I like living a married life and spending time with someone else."

The wife gets uncomfortable and asks him, "Well, would you let her live in our house?"

And the husband says, "Yes, I'd let her live here, there's nothing wrong with this house."

That worries the wife more, so then she asks, "Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?"

The husband says, "Yes, I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it, I'd let her sleep in it."

This only makes the wife more worried, so she feels compelled to say, "Well, at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs."

The husband says, "Don't worry, she will never use your clubs, she's left-handed."

[me]

This one isn't for those of y'all that are easily offended!

A mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married within a short space of time.

Mum was a bit worried about what their early experiences would be like. She therefore made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon destinations, with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The 1st girl sent a card from Hawaii, two days after her wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe.'

Mum was puzzled at first, but off she went to her kitchen to get out the Nescafe jar; it said 'Good till the last drop.' She blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The 2nd girl sent a card from Atlanta, a week after her own wedding. The card read: 'Rothmans.'

Mum dashed straight to her husband's pack of cigarettes and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long, King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The 3rd girl was in Cape Town for her honeymoon. Nothing was heard from her until all of 30 days later. Mother had begun to entertain a measure of apprehension.

On the 31st day, her postcard finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: 'South African Airways.'

Mum desperately rummaged through the waste bin for the ticket jacket her daughter had discarded before her departure.

Fearing the worst, she finally found the ad for South African Airways and read: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted.

[me]

Here's a joke. Try not to take it too seriously. It's just a funny little take on what if Noah was alive today and lived in the United States. It might have gone a little like this...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

[me]

A teacher asks a question about the human body and one student's response is hilarious

A teacher asked her 6th grade class: "Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it's stimulated?"

Maria stood up, bright red and angry, and said "How can you ask such a question? I'm telling my parents and they're going to get you fired!"

The teacher was shocked by the outburst, but decided to ignore it. She asked the class again, "Who can tell me, which human organ becomes 10 times bigger when it's stimulated?"

This time Thomas responded, "The answer is the iris in the human eye."

"Very good, Thomas. Thank you," replied the teacher who then turned her gaze on Maria.

"Maria, I need to tell you three things. First, you obviously have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear that one day you will be very, very disappointed."

[me]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.