Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

This happened to me; you could be next...



Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day and it could happen to you or to an important woman in your life.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time.

How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?



I think I finally found my thighs-- and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night!

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.  Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.



I hope this gave you a chuckle - cuz I surely enjoyed sending it to ya!

[Sandy Eggo]

LMATO!!! That's hilarious  OMG the "P.S" did me in! 

[Bo D]

[me]

Ain't it the truth....

[me]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at the door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves
the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a
thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week" The Republican is
very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to
open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the left and the right.

[awol]

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN



1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

[IYT]

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week" The Republican is
very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and Becoming More Successful."

Republicans go out of there way to be nice?  Wow, that's a new one.

[Henry Hawk]

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN



1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

Well...Duh!..

That's the only one this is correct on, the rest are bogus...

[Sandy Eggo]

I think you have the right wing pegged for the most part, but the left is a lil' far fetched 

[awol]

Republican Beliefs
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's drunk driving record and cocaine arrest are none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

Clinton's business interests in the 1970s in which he lost money are of vital national interest, but Bush's activities in the 1980s in which he made money under questionable circumstances is unimportant.

[awol]

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[awol]

 

How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.

Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."

Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.

How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.

What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.

What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade

How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night

Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.

Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!

What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.

What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring

What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted

What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.

What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.

Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.  They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money.  Then he'll have a special investigator spend another $40 million on it.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their national convention?
10,001.  1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.

What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.

What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth controll?
Their personalities.

How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.

What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.

What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.

What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.

What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.

Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.

What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.

What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes

What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade

What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat him.

What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.

Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.

How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.

What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.

How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.

       A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no.  He walks up to the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"        "They're $1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
       "Oh," said the republican.  "I wondered how you kept them on."

A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, & pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver got mad & turned his radio off.  1 mile down the road he saw another republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing.  The republican stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like you who give us all a bad name.  If I could swim I'd come out there & give you what's coming to you."

republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all.  You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.

       For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the innkeeper's daughter.  The next time he arrived, he was looking forward to an exciting few days.  He dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.
       "Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten married, & the baby would have my name!"
       "Well," she said.  "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a republican."

Biggest joke of the year:  republican fairness

Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.

If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.

Be kind.  Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.

Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter together.  Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill out of the helicopter.  Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops five dollar bills out of the helicopter.  Al Gore decides to do something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush & Limbaugh out of the helicopter.

2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coathanger.  The first one said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked."  The second one replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"

A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it.  The genie said, "I'll grant you 1 wish."  He said, "I wish I were smarter."  So the genie made him a Democrat.

       A boy was selling puppies in front of his house, when he sees Bob Dole walking by.  "Excuse me, sir, would you like to buy a puppy?" he asked.
       Dole replied, "Bob Dole doesn't need no dog."
       The boy quickly added, "Sir, they're republican puppies."
       "Hmmm," replied Dole.  "Tell you what, Bob Dole has to give a speech at the city hall in fifteen minutes.  Maybe some other time."
       Two days late, Dole headed happened to pass by the boy, still selling puppies.  But now, he was trying to sell one to Bill Clinton.  "Would you like a puppy?" the boy asked.  "They're Democrats."
       "Now wait just a minute," Dole said.  "Just 2 days ago, you told Bob Dole they were republicans."
        "Well," the boy answered, "now they have their eyes open."

       There was a town in Texas which was notorious for its pidgeon problems.  The birds were carrying several diseases, & made a mess out of everything.  Desperate, the town hired a pidgeon exterminator.  He arrived, & explained that it would cost $100 to kill the pidgeons, plus $10 for any questions asked.  The town agreed.
       The exterminator releases a pink pidgeon, which flew into the air.  Slowly, one by one, the town's pidgeons began to fly after it, mimicking its every move.  Finally, when all the pidgeons were following its lead, the exterminator snapped his fingers, & the pink pidgeon flew into the side of a building, killing itself.  The other pidgeons followed, & in seconds, all the pidgeons were dead.
       The town was impressed, & gave him a check for $110.  The exterminator looked at the check & said, "I suppose you have one question."
       "Yes," the mayor replied.  "Do you have any pink republicans?"

A republican died & a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral.  A woman was asked to donate $10.  She said, "It only takes $10 to bury a republican?  Here's $100, go bury 10 of them!"

Did you hear about the planeload of republican politicians en route to a Caribbean resort paid for by the tobacco & pollution lobbies?  The good news--it crashed.  The bad news--there were 3 empty seats.

       The pope & a republican were both killed in an automobile accident.  The 2 were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter asked the republican his name & looked it up in the Book.  He then asked the pope for his name, & then looked it up in the Book too.
       "Now if you'll come with me, I'll show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.  They walked along the clouds & came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.  St. Peter turned to the republican & told him that this was to be his house.  The pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
       St. Peter & the pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.  St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.
       The pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!  That other guy was a republican & he gets a mansion.  I was the head of the Roman Catholic Church & this is all the reward I get???"
       St. Peter looked at the pope & said, "True, you've done great things.  But we have lots of popes in Heaven, & that guy was the 1st republican ever to make it up here."

A republican's response to the comment "Think about it!":  "I don't have to think--I'm republican!"

A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, & a genie came out that offered him 1 wish.  He said he was terrified of flying as well as boats but always wanted to go to Hawaii.  The genie said that it was impossible because of the ocean depth & the length, & asked for an alternate wish.  So the guy said he'd like all republicans to become honest & kind.  The genie considered for a moment & said, "So, would 2 lanes be enough, or do you want 4?"

       A local United Way office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man & leading republican.  The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service.  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
       The republican mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, & had medical bills that are several times her annual income? 
       Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no."
       "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind & confined to a wheelchair?  Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids?
       The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
       On a roll, the republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"

[Henry Hawk]

Oh yeah!....well, democrats are poopieheads...................................and no change backs....

[Heavy]

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[smokeykat]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a
drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then
he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss
mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your
favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke
it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in
such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . .
PRICELESS!!!