Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well . . night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[me]

> The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass
> destruction.
>
> The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
>
> The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
>
> The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
>
> The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
> e-mails
> everyone about what it did
>
> The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
> be
> back
>
> The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
>
> The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
> slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
>
> The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
>
> The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
> care
>
> The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
>
> The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
> floppy
> ... then discards it through Windows

[me]

Women's Ass Size Study

    There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.  I thought the results were pretty interesting:

    25 percent of women think their ass is too fat...

    10 percent of women think their ass is too skinny...

    The other 65 per cent say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[Bo D]

 



I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

 
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[me]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
>
>
> The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
> chemistry mid term.
>
> The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
> with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
> the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> >
> Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
> (absorbs heat)?
> >
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
> variant.
> >
> One student, however, wrote the following:
> >
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
> need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
> at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
> soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
> religions that exist in the world today.
> >
> Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
> religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
> religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
> can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
> they are,we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> exponentially.
>
> Now,we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
> Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
> are added.
> >
> >This gives two possibilities:
> >
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
> enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
> until all Hell breaks loose.
> >
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
> Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
> over.
> >
> So which is it?
> >
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
> that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
> must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
> frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
> over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
> therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
> shouting "Oh my God."
> >
> >THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[me]

IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
Removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is
Happening with other body parts as well!

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went
To sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that
Quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were
These and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for
My thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in
Jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My Butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
To match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
Original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long
Skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
Fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper to and
Fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -
My body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to
Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
Neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell
The coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
Parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
Something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in
Bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to
See that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep
Them hidden in my waistband.

[me]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,  "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of  milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,



ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



drank the milk,,,,,,,,,



Pooped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,



put in for Workers Compensation...............and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

[me]

 Retread

> The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass
> destruction.
>
> The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
>
> The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
>
> The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
>
> The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
> e-mails
> everyone about what it did
>
> The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
> be
> back
>
> The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
>
> The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
> slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
>
> The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
>
> The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
> care
>
> The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
>
> The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
> floppy
> ... then discards it through Windows

[tallulahdahling]

A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.


The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"


The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.


Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."


"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[tallulahdahling]

A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper  has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have  the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers ?   

[tallulahdahling]

Flat Tire

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the interstate one day, so she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. She takes out two card board men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed
up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is
going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[Sandy Eggo]

Well, she did get traffic to slow down.

[me]

Proper Job Placement...

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

    a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

    b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

    c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

    d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

    e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

    f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

    g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

    h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

    i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

    j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

    k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

    l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

    m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

[Elizahawk]

Redneck Hunter

This redneck guy was deer hunting in Tennessee. He shoots a deer, and as he
> >is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this Redneck Game
> >Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the
> >license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy.
> >I need to inspect the deer."
> >
> >The Redneck Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's
> >butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger.
> >
> >The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no
> >Tennessee Deer; this here is a North Carolina deer! You need to have a
> >North Carolina Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a North Carolina
> >Hunting License on you Boy?"
> >
> >Well, it just so happens that the Redneck guy had been hunting in North
> >Carolina the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a
> >North Carolina Hunting License.
> >
> >The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says,
> >"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up
> >Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got
> >everything in order. So go on, get out of here."
> >
> >The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as
> >he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game
> >Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."
> >
> >He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs
> >his finger and says, "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a
> >South Carolina Hunting License?"
> >
> >The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes
> >and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again
> >has to let him go.
> >
> >So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a
> >deer; one from Georgia, Alabama, and West Virginia. Each time the Game
> >Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to
> >produce the correct license.
> >
> >Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious, "Boy!
> >You got a hunting license from every state in the south!
> >Where the hell are you from, anyway?"
> >
> >The Redneck Hunter finally had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says
> >"You tell me!"

[tallulahdahling]

Ha, ha, ha, ha--GOOD ONE!