Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[smokeykat]

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me" came
from"?


Well, it just happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country
way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his
troops.


There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely
dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal
Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back
and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops
searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.


Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and
totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.


Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They
trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know,
was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his
men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.


A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."


Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."


And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

[me]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Palehorse]

  A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed
> because she can't sleep, the
>       wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
> The vet tells the woman to
>       tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and
> he will stop snoring.
>       "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after
> going to bed, the dog
>       begins
>       snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns,
> unable to sleep.
>       Muttering
>
>       to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a
> piece of red ribbon and
>       ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
> Sure enough, the dog
>       stops
>       snoring!
>       The woman is amazed! Later that night, her
> husband returns home drunk
>       from being out drinking with his buddies.. He
> climbs into bed, falls
>       asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman
> thinks maybe the ribbon
>       might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
> again, grabs a piece of
>       blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
> testicles. Amazingly, it
>       also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
> The husband wakes from his
>       drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
> As he stands in front of
>       the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees
> a blue ribbon attached to
>       his testicles. He is very confused and as he
> walks back into the
>       bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied around
> his dog's testicles. He
>       shakes his head and looks at the dog and
> whispers, "I don't know where
>       we were .. . or what we did . . but, by God .
> . we took first and
>       second
>       place.
>
>

[damfast]

 

excellent bad taste choice!

good morning

[Palehorse]

Good Morning! 

[tallulahdahling]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and
you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it".

[me]

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would  say,
"What a
peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon
in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon,
in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon,
by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you
shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at
ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after

[tallulahdahling]

Subject:  Shopping with men

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
You might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your husband.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he  assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Yours very truly,
Management of Wal-Mart

[Palehorse]

Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott , AZ.  He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.  He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.  The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.  .  .



The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[tallulahdahling]

And then there was the soldier who was talking to Chelsea CLINTON



She asked him how he felt about fear.

He told her there were only 3 things he was afraid of

1) Osama

 
2) Obama

 
3) and Yo Mama

[Sandy Eggo]

 

[me]

The resume bloopers.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in
Fortune Magazine :-)
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have
never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those
conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

[tallulahdahling]

Hysterical!  I've interviewed some of these morons in the past  LOL

[me]

 Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive,  double-pane energy-efficient kind.  Yesterday, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.  So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy
had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves!  I told him, "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hungup.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me.  Bet he won't underestimate a blonde
anymore.

[me]

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity Read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late