Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Gryphon]

Not to take away from the intent, but George Carlin didnt write that. (Or any number of other internet pieces often attributed to him) It was actually written by a student at Columbine.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp

[Dexter Morgan]

What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)



Isn't it amazing that George Carl in - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Me ssage by George Carl in:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We'v e learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to qu iet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time wh en you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious t houghts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

                        George Carl in

Very deep. 

[me]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. 
WELL. . .  YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF
HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?"  I ASKED. 
AND HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975.  WHY DO YOU ASK?"

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,
BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-B**** ASKED ME, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[Dexter Morgan]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR
OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. 
WELL. . .  YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME
GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY
SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF
HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?"  I ASKED. 
AND HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975.  WHY DO YOU ASK?"

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED. 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD,
BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-B**** ASKED ME, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[Mother_Earth]

Are you makin' fun o' me?

[me]

Trip To Walmart by Age
You are in the middle of a project around the house......mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with a hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following.

In your 20 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow-dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30 ' s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don ' t want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter ' s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don ' t want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy ' s bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50 ' s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don ' t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don ' t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80 ' s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

[me]

Hey, where'd you get that pic of me?.....lol

[ladywrenn]

Spaghetti



A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!........ Request bread !!!!"

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

 

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light i s just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.



The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

[Elizahawk]

 
A  woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal  glaucoma?" 
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."


   

[Karl Childers]

There were these two fellars standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One fellar said, "The water's cold" and the other fellar said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?    uhuuuuuu

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

>> AMISH BUMPER STICKER
>>
>>
>> While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
>> The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
>> attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
>> "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step
>> in exhaust.''

[Mother_Earth]

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

That was a good one Mother_Earth.








If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.


These are real answers given by children.


  Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


  Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


  Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


  Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


  Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


  Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


  Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


  Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


  Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.


  Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.


  Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.


  Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.


  Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.


  Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[me]

(Jareds World) The Human Body


        The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection
        of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were
        designed the way we were.

        Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

        The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest
        is the male sperm.

        You use 200 muscles to take one step.

        The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

        Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

        A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

        A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

        The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

        The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
        Encyclopedia Britannica.

        It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
        stomach.

        The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

        Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of
        the liver than men with hair.

        At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single
        cell. -

        There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

        Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon
        of water to a boil. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest
        substance in your body.

        Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

        When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and
        they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

        Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

        At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact
        to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose
        and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in
        comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ......