Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?  Where have you been?'  'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.  And on and on and on. 
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
    The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP? 

[me]

            <>It's not whether you win or lose,
            but how you place the blame.

             

            <> You are not drunk
            if you can lie on the floor
            without holding on.

             

            <>
            We have enough youth.
            How about a fountain of "smart"?

             

             

             

             

             

            The original point and click interface
            was a Smith & Wesson.

             

            <> A fool and his money
            can throw one hell of a party.

             

            <> when blondes have more fun
            do they know it?

             

             

            <> Five days a week my body is a temple.
            The other two it's an amusement park.

             

            <> LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
            USE BIRTH CONTROL

            <> 

            <>

            money isn't everything,
            but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

             

            <> Don't Drink and Drive
            You might hit a bump and spill something.

             

            <> If at first you don't succeed
            skydiving is not for you.

             

            <> Reality is only an illusion
            that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

             

            <> Time's fun when you're having flies.

            ......Kermit the Frog

             

            <> We are born naked, wet and hungry.
            Then things get worse.

             

             

            <>Red meat is not bad for you
            Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

             

            <> Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
            give the rest a bad name.

             

            <> One good thing about Alzheimer's is
            you get to meet new people every day.

             

             

            Friends don't let friends
            take ugly   people  home.


             

            <> > Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
            to produce reproductive organs

             

             

            Alabama state motto:

            At least we're not Mississippi

             

            <> Gaseous clouds
            have been detected
            around Uranus.

             

            <> ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
            MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

             

            <>

            GUN CONTROL:
            using both hands

             

            The more I learn about terrorism,
            the more I understand the phone company.

             

            The latest survey shows that
            three out of four people make
            up 75% of the population

             


            Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
            is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".

[ladywrenn]

            The Mental Hospital...
A visitor to a mental hospital asked a doctor how they
decide whether to admit a new patient. "We fill up a
bathtub and offer them a spoon, a teacup, or a bucket
to empty the tub." The visitor nodded. "And a sane
person chooses the bucket?"

"No," said the doctor. "A sane person pulls the drain
plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

[me]

KIDS TODAY
>
>
> Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??
> (Well, some of them are!!! )
>
> I wish I'd thought of this when we were young...
>
> At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank
> on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
>
> Before they let them go they spray painted numbers on the sides of the

> goats. 1, 2, and 4.
>
> Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

[ladywrenn]

Richard bought a brand new Suzuki Bike. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kmph, and was enjoying the windblowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher  speed.
Then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car  behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem"  thought Richard, and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmph to escape being stopped. He then thought,"What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over the side  of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Suzuki and walked up to Richard.
He said "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go. "The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[me]

This is for all my blonde friends -- you'll love it.......
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is -- an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought
About it for a moment and then spooned
Up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
Customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, hea dlights
Running boardsyou might as well gas up!

FOR ONCE! THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

[me]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?





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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?


 




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Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 




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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




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Why is a person who  plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?




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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?   






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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


 



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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?




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Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"


 



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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?
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I  thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?




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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?






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Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?






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If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


 



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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 



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As income tax time  approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

[me]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a conti nent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the worl d as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software!."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[me]

What happens if you sleep around!!

[me]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married
.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?


6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.

10.I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Sandy Eggo]

That's SO true!

[me]

Maxine Sliders


  As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, remember:



1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written

    an impressive new book.  It's called .........

   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink

    and be Mary.



3. The difference between the Pope and

    your boss,  the Pope only expects you

    to kiss his ring.




4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant

    flash and it is gone.




5. The only time the world beats a path to

    your door is if you're in  the bathroom.




6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

    The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

    that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.




7. It used to be only death and taxes

    were inevitable Now, of course, there's

    shipping and handling, too.




8.. A husband is someone who, after taking

     the trash out, gives the impression that

     he just cleaned the whole house.




9. My next house will have no kitchen - just

    vending machines and a  large trash can.




10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my

      mechanic might try to rip me off.

      I was relieved when he told me all

      I needed was turn signal fluid.'




11. Definition of a teenager?

      God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   

     
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may

     the splinters never point the wrong way

[me]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you performed the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[sally]

LOL

[me]

Politically correct for 2007

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE"
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
"LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. "
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."