Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

        A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

                    ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

                    SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

                    TO SEE HER TICKET.



                    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

                    CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



                    THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

                    GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'


                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

                    THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

                    BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

                    ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



                    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

                    EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

                    SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



                    THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

                    GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'



                    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

                    HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

                    THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



                    THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

                    HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'



                    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

                    AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES

                    BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



                    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

                    ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

                    ANY FUSS.



                    'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

[me]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,
but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true
story...

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India
answering telephones giving technical advice.

Now you know.

[Palehorse]

   You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.
        Eighth Place
        In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
        Seventh Place
        A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
        Sixth Place
        While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
        Fifth Place
        Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
        Fourth Place
        Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
        Third Place
        After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
        HONOURABLE MENTION
        Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
        RUNNER UP
        Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
        AND THE WINNER IS...
        Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
        Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
        The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
        It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Crap happens'

        IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

[Gryphon]

what celebrities would look like if they lived in WV:

http://trailerparkbarbie.wordpress.com/2008/04/26/redneck-celebrities/

[Sandy Eggo]

That's funny. Seems like any of those people are a bad haircut or camera angle from becoming one of these pics.

[Sandy Eggo]

Okay...and maybe a couple meals.

[me]

WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we
know...


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework
.. you're a pansy.


If you work too hard... there's never any time for her. If you don't
work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.


If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism. If she gets a
job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.


If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment. If you keep
quiet... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.


If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a
pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're
sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.


If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.
If she has a headache... she's tired.

If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed. If you don't... there must
be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to!

[damfast]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."


"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."


"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"


The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[me]

Good one.....

[Gryphon]

2008 Campaign Buttons....








and just for ME and Henry:

[me]

 

[me]

     SERVICE...............


 




At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word 'service.'
'It's the act of doing things for other people.'
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM!  It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agenc ies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[me]

Federal Rebate check...
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...

As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras , and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .

If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America . The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales , since those are the only businesses left owned by Americans !!
PASS IT ON !!!!

[me]

It Pays to Mind Your Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[me]

One-Question IQ Test

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how
you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the
purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair
of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.



















He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a
pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer
and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

(You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).