Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[sally]

I like this one too

http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=AVXGOu7vjWA

[me]

I hadn't seen that one....

[smokeykat]

        The Moped

        An elderly man on a Moped,
        looking about 100 years old,
        pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

        The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

        The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO.
        It cost half a million dollars!"

        "That's a lot of money," says the old man.
        "Why does it cost so much?"

        "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

        The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

        "No problem," replies the doctor.

        So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
        Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...
        But I'll stick with my Moped!"

        Just then the light changes,
        so the doctor decides to show
        the old man j ust what his car can do.
        He floors it, and within 30 seconds
        the speedometer reads 160 mph.

        Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

        He slows down to see what it could be
        and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
        Something whips by him going much faster!

        "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

        He presses harder on the accelerator
        and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

        Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

        Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

        Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
        he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
        all the way up to 320 mph.

        Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
        bearing down on him again !
        The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
        Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

        The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

        He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"

        The old man whispers,
        "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[Dexter Morgan]

LMAO!!! 

[American_Woman]

 

[me]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

And by the way, 'the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

[me]

A Heart Warming Story

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness,
someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded
the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you .. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today...


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and I live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna







KINDA GRABS YA....HUH?

[me]

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped
My electric shaver , Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked
My cell phone
Away from my ear

Which fell
Into the coffee 
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.

Stupid women drivers !

[me]

Help Decide Who To Vote For


From a purely economic standpoint:



    A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year.

    Assuming the next president lives to age 80.  Sen. McCain would receive
    ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president. 
    Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would
    receive $4,973,800 in pension.

    Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in
    November.

    How's that for non partisan thinking

[me]

At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic Church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. 
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-anniversary!"

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."

[me]

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii ,so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[me]

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
       Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

       The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia  or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

   The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer a whiplash.
   

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!   
      Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib..
         
     The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
     
          The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
     
           As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
     
          I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
     
       I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of wadded up masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
     
          I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
     
            I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
     
          I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
     
       Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
           It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.'
         So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!
     
     
      You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.
       'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'

[me]

   Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'.

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm
85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.  I'll take the both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you!  But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'

[me]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
 
2. Hide and go pee.
 
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
 
4. Kick the bucket
 
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
 
6. Musical recliners.
 
7. Simon says something incoherent.
 
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

[me]

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"