Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[awol]

I was buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete  so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.  I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[me]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a milliontimes. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[me]

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.


Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.


Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.


Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too'
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: 'For this I have stretch marks?'


In mid-life your memor y starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the 'big' questions.
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

[me]

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) "Press 1 for English" is immediately banned.. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to  straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state.  If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.


(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8 Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences.  If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to do nate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.  Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
                God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

                                                  Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

Sounds like a winner to me...

[me]

    Somebody hit the nail on the head here!

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever,You are hot and sweaty.. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Walmart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following:


    In your 20s :
    Stop what you are doing.      Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a  hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

    In  your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of the hole in your 
    pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80s :
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
    Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

[me]

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,



'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch...

[me]

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm  'here'  I'm wondering
If I really should be  'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU R ELATE ? ? ?   

[FSUCLASSOF1971]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

[me]

>
> Investment advice you can take to the bank.....
>
>
> Subject: Retirement Plan
>
>
> Retirement  Plan Investment Tip:
>
> If you had purchased $1000.00 of  AIG stock one year ago,
> it would  now be worth  $56.91.
>
> With  Washington Mutual, you would have $120.36 left of the
> original $1000.
>
> With "Fannie Mae"(FNM), you would have $11.34
> left.
>
> If you had purchased $1000.00 of  Lehman Bros one year ago
> it would now be almost worthless; less than $0.86.
>
> If you had purchased RH Donelley, you would have $45.69
> left.
>
> But, if you had purchased  $1000.00 worth of beer one year
> ago, drank all the beer, then turned  in the cans for the
> aluminum recycling refund you  would have $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best  current investment advice is
> to drink heavily and recycle.
>
> This is called the 401-Keg  Plan

[FSUCLASSOF1971]

Frog Noise, please
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[me]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!! You can definitely tell, these teachers have reached the end of their rope!

1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4.  Somewhere, somehow your son is depriving a village of an 'idiot'.



5.  Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.



6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.



7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.



10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.



11. it's impossible to believe the 1 sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.



12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.





Seems like Officers get frustrated too! These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:



13. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'



14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'



15. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

16. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'



17. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'



18. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'



19. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'



20. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'



21. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



22. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'



23. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'



24. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'



25. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'



26. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'



27. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....



28. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.  Sign here.'

[FSUCLASSOF1971]

Gnu Joke
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come.

One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good.

To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES A HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

[me]

How to give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradl e it in the crook of your left arm as if holdi ng a baby. Posit ion right foref inger and thumb on eithe r side of cat' s mouth and gentl y apply press ure to cheek s while holdi ng pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth , pop pill into mouth . Allow cat to close mouth and swall ow.

2. Retri eve pill from floor and cat from behin d sofa. Cradl e cat in left arm and repea t proce ss.

3. Retri eve cat from bedro om, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradl e cat in left arm, holdi ng rear paws tight ly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right foref inger . Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retri eve pill from goldf ish bowl and cat from top of wardr obe. Call spous e from garde n.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedge d firml y betwe en knees , hold front and rear paws. Ignor e low growl s emitt ed by cat. Get spous e to hold head firml y with one hand while forci ng woode n ruler into mouth . Drop pill down ruler and rub cat' s throa t vigor ously .

7. Retri eve cat from curta in rail, get anoth er pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repai r curta ins. Caref ully sweep shatt ered figur ines and vases from heart h and set to one side for gluin g later .

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spous e to lie on cat with head just visib le from below armpi t. Put pill in end of drink ing straw , force mouth open with penci l and blow down drink ing straw .

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmf ul to human s, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spous e's forea rm and remov e blood from carpe t with cold water and soap.

10. Retri eve cat from neigh bor' s shed. Get anoth er pill. Open anoth er beer. Place cat in cupbo ard, and close door onto cat' s neck, leavi ng head showi ng. Force mouth open with desse rt spoon . Flick pill down throa t with elast ic band.

11. Fetch screw drive r from garag e and put cupbo ard door back on hinge s. Drink beer. Fetch bottl e of scotc h. Pour shot, drink . Apply cold compr ess to cheek and check recor ds for date of last tetan us shot. Apply whisk ey compr ess to cheek to disin fect. Toss back anoth er shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedro om.

12. Call fire depar tment to retri eve the darn cat from acros s the road. Apolo gize to neigh bor who crash ed into fence while swerv ing to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the littl e & % ^ $ *#'s front paws to rear paws with garde n twine and bind tight ly to leg of dinin g table , find heavy - duty pruni ng glove s from shed. Push pill into mouth follo wed by large piece of filet steak . Be rough about it. Hold head verti cally and pour 2 pints of water down throa t to wash pill down.

14. Consu me remai nder of scotc h. Get spous e to drive you to the emerg ency room, sit quiet ly while docto r stitc hes finge rs and forea rm and remov es pill remna nts from right eye. Call furni ture shop on way home to order new table .

15. Arran ge for SPCA to colle ct mutan t cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamst ers.


How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon .

2. Toss it in the air.

[me]

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

[me]

Male Strippers

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Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on
To try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!