Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Dexter Morgan]

LMAO!!! That's a good one. 

[me]

Checking Your IQ

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A
few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and
several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper
and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the
contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the
implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa! The group
debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant
solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called
the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the
caps of both bottles and switched them.

[Elaine]

Pretty good jokes here.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a princess.  Every day, she would wander to the brook to stare at her reflection in the water and admire herself.  She loved to sit for hours and look at herself in the cool water while the breeze lifted her hair from her shoulders.   

One day, while she admired herself in the brook, a frog jumped into her lap and began talking to her.  "Hello, beautiful princess," he said.
"Hello fat frog," She replied as she flipped her hair and looked past him to see herself in the water. 
"I am not a frog, I am really a prince.  Many years ago a wicked witch stole my kingdom and banished me here to live forever."
"How sad for you," the princess replied as she moved to the side to see herself a little better in the brook"
The frog moved closer to her, and said, "You can help me, tho, if you kiss me.  I will become a prince again, and can take back my kingdom.  You can live with me and my mother, in a castle.  You can cook for me, and take care of me, and you can spend time with my mother."

Later that night, as the princess dined on succulent frog legs, she stared into her reflection in the goblet of wine, and whispered, "I really don't think so."

[me]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[me]

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[me]

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh. "Why you laughing?" asked the farmer. To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

[Elaine]

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets find real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

The four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to their hotel rooms and stay the night.

The two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting cuddly but the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but noting is happening."

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

The next day, after the blonde's leave, the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't perform at all."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you yelling ""1, 2, 3 uh" all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the d*** bed"

[me]

To the Nines...

One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.

"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."

"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.

"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"

Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.

The horse came in ninth.

[Henry Hawk]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his
limousine when he saw two men along the road-
side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?""We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with
me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

[Bo D]

Yesterday's comment in another thread about driving on the DC beltway reminded me of this one .....

It all started when I rear-ended a car yesterday morning on the Beltway. So we're off to the side of the road and the driver slowly gets out of his car.

You know how some days, you're just so stressed that life's problems actually become funny?

Well, wouldn't you know . . this guy's a dwarf. He storms over to my truck, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"



.... and that's when the fight started.

[Henry Hawk]

 

[me]

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."

"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

[me]

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual
that happened during the past week.

Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he
began.

"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[me]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.