Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Californians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

    You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none   are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember ... Is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at  Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap  and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember  .... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers
and cosmetic surgeons..

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.  If
you're here illegally, they want to give you one!

[me]

>      THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
>     
>         Law of Mechanical Repair
>      After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
>     
>         Law of Gravity
>      Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible crevice furthest away from you.   
>     
>         Law of Probability
>      The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
>     
>        Law of Random Numbers
>      If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
>     
>        Law of the Alibi
>      If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire while running late for work.
>     
>        Variation Law
>      If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>     
>        Law of the Bath
>      When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>     
>        Law of Close Encounters
>      The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
>     
>        Law of the Result
>      When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>     
>        Law of Biomechanics
>      The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>     
>        Law of the Theatre
>      At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
>     
>       The Starbucks Law
>      As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the  coffee is cold.
>     
>        Murphy's Law of Lockers
>      If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
>     
>        Law of Physical Surfaces
>      The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the  newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
>     
>        Law of Logical Argument
>      Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
>     
>        Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
>      If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
>
>       Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
>      A closed mouth gathers no feet.
>     
>       Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
>      As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[me]

 
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)   Fine :   This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)   Five Minutes :   If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)   Nothing :   This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)   Go Ahead :   This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)   Loud Sigh :   This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)   That's Okay :   This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)   Thanks :   A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
( 8 )   Whatever :   Is a woman's way of saying F--   YOU!

(9)   Don't worry about it, I got it :   Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Sandy Eggo]

LMAO @ the California joke   It's somewhat true but the car insurance one...mine is less expensive here...although when I first moved here I was amazed at the number of young kids who are big customers os Starbucks. I mean my daughters age. They love it. It just makes you wonder is pot legal?

[Mom]

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

[Mom]

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"

"No I'm a blonde", she replies.

"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

[Mom]

A formerly semi-pretty drunken woman, 60-ish, and all painted up, walks into a bar carrying her pet monkey. She takes a seat at the bar, and also sits the monkey on a bar stool beside her.
The bartender, who is at the other end of the bar, calls out "What'll you have? And what will the dog that's with you have?"

The woman gets all irate and says to the bartender "Shirrr, I'll hafe you know....thish ishn't a dog, itsh a monkey!!"

The bartender replies "I know! I was speaking to the monkey!

[Mom]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Mom]

Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

[me]

Getting a hair dryer through customs...

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Ireland asked the Priest

beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

 

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

 

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for

my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid

they'll confiscate it.

 

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under

your robes perhaps?'



'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'



'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'



When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. T

he official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'



'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'



The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to

declare from your waist to the floor?'



'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to

date, unused.'



Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[me]

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the guts to call the judge the same name he called me.

[me]

Next time he pisses you off........

Just Super Glue his flip-flops to the floor.     

[me]

An Officer stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.



The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.



The Mounties says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Asshole!"



Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"



Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.



Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"



Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."



Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"



Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."



Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"



Officer: "Yes Sir?



Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"



Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!

[me]

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

[Exterminator]

Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
 
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.