Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this mornin'   but after a while, I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp! I released him into the lake without incident and carried on with my fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that damn snake with two frogs in his mouth!

[Palehorse]

* Got this text message yesterday afternoon

TERRORIST ATTACK STRIKES INDIANAPOLIS!!!!!

24 Jets downed Sunday afternoon!

(I sent that one along to my son, who did not immediately appreciate the humor until he read further.  )

Next:

HURRICANE PEYTON TO STRIKE MIAMI!

Predicted to make landfall February 7th.



(He liked that one a little better) 

[me]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Chest will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[me]

I got this new deodorant today.   
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

[me]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!   

[Palehorse]

 

[me]

             

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic

Stimulus' payment.



 



   This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I'll explain it by

Using a Q & A format:

 

 

   Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

 

   A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

 

   Q..  Where will the government get this money ?

 

   A.  From taxpayers.

 

 

   Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

 

   A.  Only a smidgen of it.

 

 

   Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

 

   A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

High-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

 

 

   Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

 

   A.  Shut up.

 

 

   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by

Spending your stimulus check wisely:       

 

 

         

 

       *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will

Go to China or Sri Lanka .

 

 

       *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the

Arabs.

 

 

       *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or

China .

 

     

 

       *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,

Honduras and Guatemala ..

 

     

 

       *  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .



 

   

 

       *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .

 

   

 

       *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go

To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

 

   Instead,  keep the money in America by:

 

 

   1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or     

 

   2)  Going to ball games,  or   

 

   3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or     

 

   4)  Beer or     

 

   5) Tattoos.

 

 

   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )







   Conclusion:

 

   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard

Sale and drink beer all day !



 

   No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

[me]

 

Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a

good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

[me]

The population of the USA is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government
and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading this.

[LOsborne]

Hair Removal...

All hair removal  methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....  the Wax.

Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of  those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel  them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!),

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so  I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the Skin round it tight and pull.  It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!  Hair removal no  longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter off all wayward  body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the  kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I  drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP P!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !.

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and  spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in  the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???  WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may Pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that  used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then  glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.  Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I  had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly  where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.  I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I  really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she  hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

[me]

  That is priceless 

[me]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

[me]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked Up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
Maybe you should put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

[me]

       
Wedded 50 years
           
         A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
       
         "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ....   'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
       
         "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
       
         Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.  I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
       
         "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
       
         Just then the daughter arrived.  "Hello and happy anniversary!  I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
       
       
         After they had finished dessert, the father said,  "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were very poor.  Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
       
         The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
       
         "Yep," said the father.  "And cheap ones too."

[Henry Hawk]

Sex With an Illegal Immigrant - -

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant  style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.  Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.  So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!