Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Obviously you don't know where a man's brains are located.

I'm not really sure if they actually have brains or not.  I do know most seem to still think they need the "cup" to protect them though. 

[me]

Snowing


I just got off the phone with a friend in South Dakota .

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. 
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. 
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. 
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

[me]

2010 was a tough year

     
    It was a tough year, but I made it !!!



    But not everyone is as fortunate as I am.......



    The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    If the bank returns your check marked  "insufficient funds" you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

    Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    McDonald's is selling the 1/4  'ouncer'.

    Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

    Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

    BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

    And, finally...

    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. . . .

[Sandy Eggo]

[sally]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

[me]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE







NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

8 ) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true!!!

[me]

Just  because someone doesn't love you the way you want them  to,  doesn't  mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph  and  Edna were  both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while  they  were  walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph  suddenly
jumped into the deep  end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and  stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to  save him.  She swam to the bottom  and pulled  him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became  aware of Edna's  heroic act she immediately ordered her to be  discharged from the  hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally  stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news  she said, 'Edna, I have good news and  bad news.  The good news is you're being  discharged, since you  were able to rationally respond to a crisis by  jumping in and  saving the life of the person you love...  I have  concluded that your  act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news  is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe  belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but  he's dead..'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang  himself, I put him there to dry...How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health  Day!

[me]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[The Troll]

  Now that's a good one especial the last part.  Foreign help my butt. 

[me]

Exercise for People Over 50

WONDERFUL NEW EXERCISE.  FINALLY, ONE I CAN HANDLE.

         

    EXERCISE  FOR PEOPLE  OVER 50

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 

    With a 5-lb   potato bag in each hand, extend your arms  straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

    Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 

    Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.     (I'm at this  level.)       

       

    After you feel confident at that level,   put a potato   in each bag.     

[Anne]

 

[me]

THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie?

You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the  Baptist Church  Ladies' Group in  Greenville ,

but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets,

found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing,

and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

This cake was important to  Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church,

and in her new community of friends.  So, being inventive,

she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,

Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at

the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,

perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself!  Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night,  Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her

and talking about her behind her back.

The next day,  Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake

and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member

and try to have a good time.  She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob

who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that

Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of  Greenville,

but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south

and to  Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it,

but before she could get to her feet,

the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess

(who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself.."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

[me]

    A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.


    Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. 

    Ø  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.  (I have to remember this one)

    Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   

    Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

    Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

    Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
     
    Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

    Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

    Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

    Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 

    Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 

    Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

    Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 

    Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

    Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

    Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 

    Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

    Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 

    Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it allows you to be miserable on a lot better street..

    Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 
     
    Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
     
    Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 
       
    Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
     
    Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
         
    Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 
     
    Ø  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Anne]

A man died and went to the hearafter and the person at the gate asked him how he died. Well it was this way; I knew my wife was having an affair so I came home from work early one day and caught her coming out of the bedroom in her robe and she said she had just got out of the shower. I knew she was lying because her hair wasn't wet. I ran into the bedroom and didn't see anyone until I spotted someone hanging on to the window ledge. I was so upset I ran over and beat on his hands until he let go and fell. He landed on an awning and so I picked up the heavy blanket chest and threw it out the window after him. Then I had a heart attack from the stress and exertion and died.
The next man came up to the record keeper and was asked how he died. He said it was the weirdest thing; I am a window washer and one day my equipment slipped and I was hanging on to a ledge when some idiot came out of nowhere and beat on my hands until I had to let go. I landed on an awning and thought I was saved. Then he threw a blanket chest out the window and killed me. The recordkeeper sent him on and called the next guy up. He asked this guy how he died and the third man said, well, I was having an affair with this woman and her husband came home early one day so I hid in a blanket chest..........

[Palehorse]

A man saw a blond in the middle of a field with a handful of Cheerios, dropping one by one to the ground. When he asked what she was doing she said planting donuts.