Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Gosh,
I'm rich!




Silver
in the Hair




Gold
in the Teeth




Stones
in the Kidneys




Sugar
in the Blood.




Lead
in the Ass


Iron
in the Arteries




And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.







I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[me]

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch,
raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE  LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS
NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her
front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I
am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags
of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out.. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD;  I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

[Sandy Eggo]

[LOsborne]

HA! Wish I'd put that one up.

[me]

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later a  local newspaper in Indianapolis   reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Mooresville , Indiana , Henry, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Henry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had already gone wireless".

Hoosiers are such a proud bunch.

[me]

HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION OF A 50+++ YEAR OLD LADY

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra
weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim,
high-school-girl body.  The last forty years of careful cellulite
collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into
my senior formal on Saturday.  Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown
out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over
the fabric, and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay,
maybe if I shift it all to the back ..."  Bodies never have pockets where
you need them.

Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and
stepped gingerly into it.  I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I
got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out.
I was disappointed.  I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals
again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair.  No way!
Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to
Plan B:  the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks:  the scented
shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner;
the split-end killer and shine enhancer.  Soon my hair would look like
that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the
all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler
spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss
will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles
shuddering in fear.

Okay, time to get ready!  I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped,
lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to
a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity
fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream.  I set
my hair on hot rollers.

I felt wonderful.  Ready to take on the world.  Or in this instance, my
underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I
pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham
hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're
filled with helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.  I
pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied,
hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked.
Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done.  And it didn't look bad.

So I rested.  A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body.  Bounce a quarter off my behind?  It was
tighter than a trampoline.  Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?"
Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move
from my buns to my knees.  But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom.  And there wasn't a snap crotch.
From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch.  I was ready to rip it open
and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past
experiments was still fresh in my mind.  I quickly sidestepped to the
bathroom.

An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into
the girdle.  I was ready for the bra.  I remembered what the saleslady
said to do.  I could see her glossed lips mouthing,  "Do not fasten the
bra in the front, and twist it around.  Put the bra on the way it should
be worn -- straps over the shoulders  Then bend over and gently place both
breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands.  But, with confidence, I put my arms into the
holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't
cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other,
the first would slip out.  I needed a strategy.  I bounced up and down a
few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't
work.  So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my
heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging.  Finally, on the fourth swing,
pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.  Quickly fastening the
back of the bra,  I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning
front, and then sideways.  I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!  I was happy until I
tried to look down.  I had a chin rest and I couldn't see my feet.

I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes.  Oh ... why did I buy heels
with buckles?

Then I had to pee again. ........So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a
drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.



If this didn't make you laugh out loud, you're too young!! I have tears
from laughing so hard...

[me]

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.  This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.



Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities



The Moral of the story..........LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE

[The Troll]

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.  This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.



Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities



The Moral of the story..........LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE

  Yeah, I could live with that.  Troll    

[me]

New Trainee
A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, idiot?"

"No", replied the trainee.

"I'm the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied the trainee as he hung up!

[me]

  LOVE MAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS 
   
   

1.  WEAR YOUR GLASSES

2.  MAKE SURE YOUR PARTNER IS ACTUALLY IN THE BED.


3.  SET TIMER FOR 3 MINUTES IN CASE YOU DOZE OFF IN THE MIDDLE.


4. SET THE MOOD WITH LIGHTING ... TURN THEM ALL OFF  !

5. MAKE SURE YOU PUT 911 ON YOUR SPEED DIAL BEFORE YOU BEGIN


6. WRITE PARTNER'S NAME ON YOUR HAND IN CASE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER.

7. USE EXTRA POLYGRIP SO YOUR TEETH DON'T END UP UNDER THE BED.


8. HAVE TYLENOL READY IN CASE YOU ACTUALLY  COMPLETE THE ACT



9. MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT .....THE NEIGHBORS ARE DEAF, TOO



10. IF IT WORKS, CALL EVERYONE YOU KNOW WITH THE GOOD NEWS


11. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING IT TWICE..!!!!!!!



         'OLD' IS WHEN.........

YOUR SWEETIE SAYS 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND MAKE LOVE'  AND YOU ANSWER 'PICK
ONE ... I CAN'T DO BOTH!


'OLD' IS WHEN... YOUR FRIENDS COMPLIMENT YOU ON YOUR NEW ALLIGATOR SHOES AND
YOU'RE BAREFOOT


'OLD' IS WHEN... GOING BRA-LESS PULLS ALL THE WRINKLES OUT OF YOUR FACE



'OLD' IS WHEN... YOU ARE CAUTIONED TO SLOW DOWN BY THE DOCTOR INSTEAD OF BY
THE POLICE


'OLD' IS WHEN.. GETTING A LITTLE ACTION MEANS YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE ANY
FIBER TODAY
   

'OLD'   IS WHEN...  'GETTING LUCKY' MEANS YOU FIND YOUR CAR IN THE PARKING
LOT


'OLD' IS WHEN.... AN 'ALL NIGHTER' MEANS NOT GETTING UP TO USE THE BATHROOM

AND  'OLD' IS WHEN... YOU ARE NOT SURE IF THESE ARE FACTS OR JOKES !!!

[Anne]

Just some random thoughts:
1.  I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2.  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3.  I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4.  There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5.  How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.  Was learning cursive really necessary?
7.  Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5, I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8.  Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (They used to do this, anyone remember that?)
9.  I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10.  Bad decisions make good stories.
11.  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12.  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection....again.
13.  I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14.  I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15.  I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bed on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
16.  I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18.  How many times is it appropriate to say"What?" before you just nod and smile because still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brother and sisters.
20.  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever.
21.  Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
22.  The first testicular guard, the "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[me]

    A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!  Also for those who know people like us.

    When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting  world.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a litt le loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she  would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

    The world is just getting too complex for me.. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on  something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot." P.S. I know some of you are not over 50 .   I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are

[me]

 The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Bo D]

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Obviously you don't know where a man's brains are located.

[Anne]

Obviously you don't know where a man's brains are located.