Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Anne]

Glad you enjoy them.

[damfast]

i know you guys have some jokes.  give em up

[The Troll]

i know you guys have some jokes.  give em up

  One Saturday a man and his monkey walks into a small neighborhood bar.  The man, he ordered a beer and let the monkey loose.  The monkey jumps up on the bar.  He walks down to the peanuts that are in shells.  He pick one up and throws it up into the air and swallows it.  He next walks down to the boiled eggs in the shell, looks at and swallows it whole.  He next jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball.

  The bartender says, what in hell wrong with that monkey.  Everything he sees, he swallows it whole.  I don't know said the owner, he's been like that every since he was a small monk.

  The bartenders says, who in hell is going to pay for the cue ball?  I'll pay for said the owner and he and the monkey leaves the bar.

  About a month later the same guy and the same monkey walks in the the same bar.  He orders a beer and turns the monkey loose.  The monkey walks down to the peanuts in the shell and shoves it up his butt and then swallows it.  He next walks down to the boil egg bowl, stick the egg up his butt and then swallows it whole.

  The bartender says, what in hell is your monkey doing now.  He sticks everything up his butt and then swallows.

  The owner says, every since he passed that cue ball he measures everything he eats.    How's that Dammy.   

[damfast]

hahahaha excellent!

[damfast]

a priest, a rabbi, and a baptist pastor walk into a bar.
the bartender says, "what is this, some kinda joke?"

[followsthewolf]

Made me smile.

[me]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO takes $600 in cash from his pocket and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[me]

[libby]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO takes $600 in cash from his pocket and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Sunny]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO takes $600 in cash from his pocket and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Sunny]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........




"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a Damn Chihuahua ?!"

[Anne]

 

[me]

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.
Husband: What was that for...?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

[me]

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE FROM MAXINE


As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me.

[libby]

I've seen this before, in one form or another, but it still made me laugh when it showed up in my e-mail this morning:

Subj: Thank You

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge  with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't  have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of  ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a quarter coin dropped in the car parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse---------Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.