Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

[Dexter Morgan]

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

LMAO!!! That's a good one. 

[kimmi]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking.

How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.

How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it"

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Henry Hawk]

 

[me]

The  Mustang Ranch and $850 billion bail-out.

Back  in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.
They failed, and it closed.  Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and $850 plus Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house, and selling booze.
Now if that don't make you nervous, what  does???

[me]

Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him..

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day!

[me]

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian.)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"


Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian.)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often,
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement);

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[me]

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in.

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in.

Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life.

She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago.

[Sandy Eggo]

Last year  a blonde replaced all the windows in her house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, and then got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a whole year ago and that he hadn't been paid for them. 

"Hellloooo!" The blonde said. "Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid."

She then told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last
year: that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo! It's been a year!" She told him. 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

He never called back.

And she said. "I bet he felt like an idiot."

[me]

Acts 2:38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!

[me]

Signs found in hotels

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable

on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it

in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday

Yugoslavia: a sign in a hotel read "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway

in the Europa Hotel, in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia, you will find this message on every door: "Guests should announce the abandonment of theirs rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock, for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival or after the 16 o'clock at the departure, will be billed as one night more.

In an Acapulco hotel a sign read "The manager has personally passed all the water served here

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel toweles please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk

[me]

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

"If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

[Dexter Morgan]

That last one was funny!!! 

Here's the message on my answering machine.... I stole it from "Seinfeld"

The music is from the show "The Greatest American Hero" I sing it!!!

              Believe it or not we're not at home
               just leave your message on the machine
               we're not at home or we'd pick up the phone
               where could we beeeeeeeeeeee
              believe it or not we're not home 

This gets a lot of laughs. Sometimes, I just let it pick up the call so, I can hear the caller giggling and laughing. 

[me]

That last one was funny!!! 

Here's the message on my answering machine.... I stole it from "Seinfeld"

The music is from the show "The Greatest American Hero" I sing it!!!

              Believe it or not we're not at home
               just leave your message on the machine
               we're not at home or we'd pick up the phone
               where could we beeeeeeeeeeee
              believe it or not we're not home 

This gets a lot of laughs. Sometimes, I just let it pick up the call so, I can hear the caller giggling and laughing. 

[me]

The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.