Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

                   

                    Missouri Farmer 

A Missouri Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer I need to inspect your farm  for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.'

The Highways employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Missouri to go where I want.
See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.'
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on

                        the employee at every step.

                        The old farmer called out,

                        'Show him your card',

                    'SHOW, HIM, YOUR, CARD!!!!'

[me]

  A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
   covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
   Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
   The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
     At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
     stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own  funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
    The proctologist fainted.

[me]

Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[Dexter Morgan]

Here's one.... bitter sweet 

[Sandy Eggo]

I totally get "same difference" though

[me]

How  To Give A Cat A Pill



1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a  baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth  and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As  cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and  swallow.

2  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm  and repeat process.


3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws  tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth  with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of  ten.


5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse  from garden.


6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear  paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly  with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler  and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note  to buy new ruler and repair curtains Carefully sweep shattered figurines  and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 


8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just  visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth  open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take  taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from  carpet with cold water and soap.

10  . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic  band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink  beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to  cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey  compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt  away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and  bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from  shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be  rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat  to wash pill down.

14  Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency  room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes  pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new  table.

15  . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop  to see if they have any hamsters.



How  To Give A Dog A Pill





1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air

[Sandy Eggo]

that's hilarious! Dex must have it down to a science. Benji eats medicine like a treat.

[me]

Dexter was the first person I thought of when I was reading that.....LOL

[Dexter Morgan]

That sounds about right. But they left an easy one out...... by liquid... if it comes in one LMAO!!!! Usually, I just get them in a head lock between my right arm and body. Then I force their mouth open with my right hand,and shove the eye dropper in their mouth. It's more difficult with Hubby's cat Scooter. He is the cat from hell, when it comes to any sort of physical contact, that wasn't initiated by him. For him.... Hubby throws a towel over him, covering him up to his head,and holds him REAL tight. Then I force his mouth open, and administer the medicine. In all of these cases pills are out of the question LOL!!!! I've had cats almost choke to death on pills. 

[me]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to
approve the  change and decide who brings the
potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and
one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out,
you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Bring a bulb of  your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the  need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found  that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and
tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

[Sandy Eggo]

[me]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..



If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.



ABBOTT: Your computer?



COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT: What about Windows?



COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here ?



ABBOTT: Do you wan t a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT: Wallpaper.



COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.



ABBOTT: Software for Windows ?



COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT: I just did.



COSTELLO: You just did what?



ABBOTT: Recommend something.



COSTELLO: You recommended something?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: For my office?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!



ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows



COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my compu ter and I want to type a prop osal. What do I need?



ABBOTT: Word.



COSTELLO: What word?



ABBOTT: Word in Office.



COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?< BR>

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".



COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT: One copy.



COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[me]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET  PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says,   "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.Stupid, stupid man 

[Dexter Morgan]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET  PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years,"my husband replies.I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"Without missing a beat he says,   "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.Stupid, stupid man 

LMAO!!! 

[me]

What old people do for fun.....I'm thinkin' 'bout tryin' it....

http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=6y1e0skfJts