Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[Henry Hawk]

Dang Ex has a sense of humor.  Who would have ever guessed...

no kidding!!... .......that made me laugh and it wasn't THAT funny!!!

EX really has a sense of humor....

[me]

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.   After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.   Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[me]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red, orange and blue.   My dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked "What's the matter, old man?
Never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his reply. knowing that he would have a good one.

In classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.  "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

[me]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of First graders using a bowl of lifesavers.               

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror and yelled, 'Oh my God!!  Spit it out!!  They're ass-holes!!

[me]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly

contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted by hand, orally,

and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you

receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any

means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.  This virus will wipe out your private

life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the

premises.  Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase

one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you

do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is

controlling your life.

[me]

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It is considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[me]

Investment Banking Explained

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a
farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry
Chuck, but I have some bad news. The donkey
died.'"

Chuck replied, "Well then, just give me my money
back."
The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and
spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead
donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead
donkey?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead
donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't
tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets
at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

[me]

Is Windex safe?
New use for Windex


I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works  or not ;

But they say,

  If you ever get the sudden
urge to run around naked,

you should drink some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.
               

       
Have a Great Day!

[me]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

[me]

Today's Dress Code



Many of us over 50, WAY-over 50, or on the way to 50, are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting, and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.



In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, or read in Health and Beauty Aid magazines, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:



  1. A nose ring and bifocals

  2. Spiked hair and bald spots

  3. A pierced tongue and dentures

  4. Miniskirts and support hose

  5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

  6. Speedos and cellulite

  7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

  8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

  9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots.

11. Short shorts and varicose veins.

12. Inline skates and a walker..



And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks...



13. Thongs and Depends.



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shopping!

[me]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
    you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
    as kids. I just don't get it.'

    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

    'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

    'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
    the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
    them and eat 'em!'

    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.. You're not
    getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
    out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

[me]

TRAFFIC CAMERA
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even
more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove
past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[me]

Posted to Craig's List Personals:
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!



- Alex

Might or might not be true but you have to admit it's funny....

[me]

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!![/size]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dis patcher: Is this her first
child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[me]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once
In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
Bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
See if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
Money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right Next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans Come
and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand Behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing
through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the
Way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays