Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

Changing Attitudes for 1st, 2nd & 3rd Babies
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean & discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: when third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

[me]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. An unorthodox choice for sure, but she just thought that since he was finally 40 years old, she'd give him a special treat.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave.

"He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and sarcastically says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Dave."

[me]

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie," I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said," I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

[me]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"

[me]

Warning Labels
Here are some real, absolutely true, label instructions on consumer goods.
* On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
* On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."
* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down" (printed on bottom of the box).
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
* On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
* On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
* On Salnsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
* On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

[me]

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. .


65 above zero:
    Floridians turn on the heat.
    People in Ohio plant gardens.

60 above zero:
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    People in Ohio sunbathe.

50 above zero:
   Italian & English cars won't start.
   People in Ohio drive with the windows down..

40 above zero:
   Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
   People in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
  New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
  People in Ohio have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero
   People in Miami all die.
   Ohioans close the windows.

Zero:
Texans fly away to Mexico .
People in  Ohio get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
  Hollywood disintegrates.
  The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
  Washington DC runs out of hot air.
  People in Ohio let the dogs sleep indoors.


30 below zero:
  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
  Ohioans get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero :
  ALL atomic motion stops .
  People in Ohio start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'

50 below zero:
  Hell freezes over.
   Ohio public schools will open 2 hours late

[me]

Dear Abby
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much on me I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Signed, Wondering.
Dear Wondering. The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Signed, Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.

[me]

Deal With The Devil...

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.

Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[me]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1.  Innovative

2.  Preliminary   

3.  Proliferation   

4.  Cinnamon

 





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1.  Specificity 

2.  Anti-constitutionalistically

3.  Passive-aggressive disorder

4.  Transubstantiate     



 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1.  No thanks, I'm married.

2.  Nope, no more booze for me!

3.  Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.  Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5.  Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6.  Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 

7.  I'm not interested in fighting you.

8.  Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!   

9.  Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10.  I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

[me]

Cat laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If I saw it first, it's mine.

3. If it's in my paw, it's mine.

4. If it looks like mine, it's mine.

5. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

6. If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

7. If there's more than one, ALL of them are mine.

8. If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

9. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.

10. If it's boring or doesn't taste good, IT'S YOURS!!

[me]

Bar Troubleshooting...

"Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to gents' room, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

[me]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air.  She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?
Stay, Stay."
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,


"Why don't you just put it in 'PARK' ? ! ! ! ! !"

[Exterminator]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...



Wait for it...









It's coming...







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?







She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Palehorse]

 

[me]

Dang Ex has a sense of humor.  Who would have ever guessed...