Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[brenda]

 
Bed Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween 

[Dexter Morgan]

 LOL!!! That's a good one. 

[me]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was us able to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one  day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam.  "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some times go?"

"Yeah," said Sam "I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[brenda]

  good one

[brenda]

My Private Part Died Today


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his  life in a Nursing Home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.


'Mr. Goldstein,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your  Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Goldstein, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part  died.'


Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of  your pajamas?


(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)




'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

[Dexter Morgan]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was us able to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one  day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam.  "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I some times go?"

"Yeah," said Sam "I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

LMAO!!!! 

[me]

 THE WEDDING TEST
>>>
>>> I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend
>>>
>>> and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
>>>
>>> decided to get married. There was only one
>>>
>>> little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
>>>
>>> younger sister.
>
>>>
>>> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
>>>
>>> tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
>
>>> would regularly bend down when she was near
>>> me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
>>>
>>> be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
>>>
>>> near anyone else.
>
>>>
>>> One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
>>>
>>> come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
>>>
>>> alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
>>>
>>> had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
>>>
>>> overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
>>>
>>> before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>>>
>
>>> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>>>
>>> She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
>>>
>>> you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
>>>
>>> up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
>>>
>>> and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
>>>
>>> opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
>>>
>>> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
>>>
>>> outside, all clapping!
>>>
>
>>> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
>>>
>>> said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
>>>
>>> little test. We couldn't ask for a better
>>>
>>> man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>>>
>>> And the moral of this story is:
>>>
>>> Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Dexter Morgan]

My Private Part Died Today


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his  life in a Nursing Home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Goldstein, 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.


'Mr. Goldstein,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your  Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Goldstein, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part  died.'


Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of  your pajamas?


(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)




'Well, he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

That was hilarious. 

[Dexter Morgan]

THE WEDDING TEST
>>>
>>> I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend
>>>
>>> and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
>>>
>>> decided to get married. There was only one
>>>
>>> little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
>>>
>>> younger sister.
>
>>>
>>> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
>>>
>>> tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
>
>>> would regularly bend down when she was near
>>> me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
>>>
>>> be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
>>>
>>> near anyone else.
>
>>>
>>> One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
>>>
>>> come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
>>>
>>> alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
>>>
>>> had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
>>>
>>> overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
>>>
>>> before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>>>
>
>>> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>>>
>>> She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
>>>
>>> you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
>>>
>>> up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
>>>
>>> and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
>>>
>>> opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
>>>
>>> Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
>>>
>>> outside, all clapping!
>>>
>
>>> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
>>>
>>> said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
>>>
>>> little test. We couldn't ask for a better
>>>
>>> man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
>>>
>>> And the moral of this story is:
>>>
>>> Always keep your condoms in your car.

Another good one me.   

[damfast]

these are so completely awesome and tasteless. more more

[Dexter Morgan]

these are so completely awesome and tasteless. more more

I LOVE THIS THREAD.  When you need a good laughit is here. 

[Zhi]

Making a baby                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. _

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' _

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' _

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.' _

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
you know babies are my specialty?' _

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. _

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'_

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'_

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!' _

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' _

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith._

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' _

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly._

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my__ word__!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat._

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'_

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith._

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'_

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement._

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' _

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'_

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'_

'Tripod?'_

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'_

MRS. SMITH FAINTED_

[Dexter Morgan]

Zhi, that was soo funny I almost  choked on my gum. 

[me]

" Working Out !! "

            If you can read this through without laughing out loud.... well perhaps
            you should go yourself. This is dedicated to everyone who ever
            attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

            Dear Diary,

            For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter IRENE (the dear) purchased
            a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
            am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
            43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
            a try.

            I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
            named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
            instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
            seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
            me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

            MONDAY :
            Started my day at 6:00 a.m. To ugh to get out of bed, but found it was
            well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
            for me.
            She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
            and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
            me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
            conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
            Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
            aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
            to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

            TUESDAY :
            I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
            Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
            then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
            treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
            all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

            WEDNESDAY :
            The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
            counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
            hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
            steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

            Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
            club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
            and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
            My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
            stair 'monster'. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate
            an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
            help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

            THURSDAY :
            Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
            thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
            being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
            Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
            ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
            Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

            FRIDAY :
            I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
            other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
            anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could
            move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

            Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
            if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells
            or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me
            off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
            been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

            SATURDAY :
            Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
            voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
            want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
            strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight
            hours of the Weather Channel.

            SUNDAY :
            I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
            thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
            daughter IRENE  will choose a gift for me that is fun
            - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
            to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!(or chocolate!)

[me]

What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)



Isn't it amazing that George Carl in - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

    A Me ssage by George Carl in:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We'v e learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to qu iet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time wh en you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious t houghts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

                        George Carl in