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[me]

THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied.. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'...
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying.... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody  just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.  D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
'HEY - You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

[me]

(Women will LOVE this one!)



A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'




MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

[Anne]

 

[Palehorse]

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'   

[Elaine]

what a kid.

i had my grands holding their tongues today, had them say:

I was born on a pirate ship.  and apples

their mother caught me.  she got fussy. 

just no humor, yah know?

[me]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

[me]

A Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
   he asks the biker his name.

   'Fred,' he replies.

   'Fred what?' the officer asks.

   'Just Fred,' the man responds.

   The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
   break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
   presses him for the last name.

   The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The
   officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
   me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


   The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred
   Dingaling.  I know -- a funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all
   the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.  When I got
   older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college,
   medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
   Fred Dingaling, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
   decided to go back to school..  Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through
   school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.  Got bored
   doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
   gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.  Well, the  ADA
   found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  Then I was Fred Dingaling,
   MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  MD  because
   of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
   Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


   The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Palehorse]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when play ing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

[me]

 

[me]

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the
mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have
seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This
will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or
Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't  be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank
them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to
McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts
crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my
wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, &
29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th,
three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
ad vantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to
eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back
and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

[me]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......











The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

[pariann]

    A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop. The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor! And it is not a dog it is a coyote.

    Can you imagine how many people try and stop this guy?????

[me]

Why is it that if you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get thrown
into prison and get 12 years of hard labor... if you cross the Iranian
border, while out supposedly leisurely hiking in the hills you get arrested
and imprisoned... but if you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get a
drivers license, a Social Security card and free health care?

[me]

NOW THINK AFTER YOU READ THIS, REALLY THINK!!!!




During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

             MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
           
 

PS:   Blonde or not, if you don't get it, just move on and don't give it another thought...

[Exterminator]

Why is it that if you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get thrown
into prison and get 12 years of hard labor... if you cross the Iranian
border, while out supposedly leisurely hiking in the hills you get arrested
and imprisoned... but if you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get a
drivers license, a Social Security card and free health care?

You should move to Korea or Iran!